No, I don’t want to see your crusty facebook memes while you’re holding up the line to pay. Also, fuck homophobes.

Alright there’s a TL;DR at the bottom, i’m on mobile, be warned if you don’t like swearing, yadda yadda here’s what happened.

There’s a rather old guy (I’ll call him Dave) that comes into (about once a week) the small local restaurant I host at. He is usually polite for a few minutes before he starts to break out dirty jokes with the servers, bussers, and of course me and the other hosts. He can become really vulgar sometimes but we all just smile and nod and be as polite as possible because he is a “regular paying customer” and “just some old man that doesn’t know better.”

This guy loves to distract us all and talk to us for AGES while we are working. Wether he is showing us tik toks/facebook memes on his phone or just telling us vulgar jokes, he loves to chat and it can be incredibly hard to get away from this guy politely once he decides he wants to talk to you.

Now maybe the guy is just lonely, and his excessive talking is not a problem when we are slow or the person he is speaking to is an adult, but there are times when this guy REALLY tests my patience. I may be an asshole for my feelings towards the guy since he’s just some lonely old dude, but I digress.

I was annoyed when he made disgusting jokes along the lines of “eating out women” to a 16 year old busser, but it was brushed off as the busser does look older than she really is and he is just trying to talk right? We were slow at the time anyways so it didn’t matter.

But that same night, whitest he had decided to eat chips and drink soda in front of the TV and a sports game for an hour and a half later, we really got busy. People started filling in fast and pretty soon there was a short wait time for tables.

Of course, when I am the busiest I would be that night, he decides to leave. Which is fine, he just has to wait in line.

Keep in mind the space at the front of the restaurant is small and cramped with people in line to pay and people waiting to be seated.

Dave makes it to the front of the line and starts to just GO OFF. He is telling me dad jokes left and right and won’t give me his bill so I can ring up his order and charge him. The people behind him are starting to groan, and I am doing my best to smile and politely get his shit taken care of.

I finally get ahold of his bill after what seems like ages and ring up his order, but instead of giving me his card he says he has to show me a “few facebook memes!” instead. I politely say “Sir I apologize but I will have to see it next week as theres a line.”

It is as if I never said anything at all. He shows me a facebook picture making some dark humor joke about disabled people/vegetables and proceeds to try and break it down for me. My patience is literally almost gone at this point and everyone in line is getting pissed off. He has been holding up the line for about 5-8 minutes now, which when we are busy is a LONG TIME.

I tell him I have seen enough and that he either needs to pay now or I will be seeking assistance from my manager due to a hold up in the line. Dave has the gall to say “Oh I didn’t even notice haha my bad!” And finally gives me his damn card.

I swipe it as fast as I can and try have him sign even faster, but instead of signing he decides to ask me “Is it appropriate to sign this as Donald Duck? I really identify as a duck now just like all these stupid millennials. Did you know that they made up a bunch more genders? Some of them even think they are both! If they can have both parts then surely I can be a duck-“

I cut him off. I snatch away his unsigned receipt. I have had enough.

In my rudest tone of voice I loudly tell him “That will be all sir we can do without your signature. Now please, see yourself out or I will have you escorted out for your behavior. This behavior is not appropriate, you are preventing other customers from paying and causing a scene.

This is the very limit of my professionalism and I am honestly shocked/proud of myself for not fucking screaming at this old pervy homophobic trash can in front of everyone. If he had said one more word I would’ve lost my shit.

Dave looked shocked and his face turned red and he walked out of the building. I haven’t seen him back at the restaurant since, I think he was embarrassed enough not to come back.

Also, he hardly ever tips the waitress/waiter. Please, if you are like Dave, stay far far away from me in hell where you belong.

TL;DR: Old guy Dave comes into place I work at, never tips, n’ makes inappropriate jokes to the staff. One day after making disgusting jokes and holding up a huge line for 10 minutes with a stupid facebook thing and homophobic comments about millennials and gender. I yell at the guy and he left embarrassed/hasn’t come back.

Could I have been nicer to Dave to get him to leave? Maybe. But honestly, I wish I could’ve been meaner because man do I really struggle with him as a customer.