I’m acting ok but I’m not.

Lately when my family asks me how I’m doing I’m lying and saying I’m good and that I’m ok but really I’m tired of struggling and I just want to kill myself. I wake up every morning wondering is today the day I meet a friend and by lunch time I’m trying to keep a smile on so my family isn’t concerned and by dinner I’m fantasizing on ways I can kill myself. I have no one to talk to that won’t say the same things I’ve heard all my life which is suicide is not the answer. Well I don’t think what I’m doing now is so why not atleast try and kill myself