I'm a 23 year old female who cannot remember the last time she made eye contact with anyone. AMA
Apart from the occasions where I was forced to as a child. GRR.
Posted Feb 9, 2011, 7:17 PM UTC
4150
12
Totally looked you in the eyes, bro. It was amazing.
11
Thanks man...
3
Still difficult to do, but if i do that all day i might get used to it. Blue! I like blue!
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Orangered shirt!!
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Haha. I guess it is...
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Kind of intimidating in a Lex kind of way.
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Bald Joke? :)
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Didn't notice bald, I am almost there as well and as my paid friends tell me it is considered a sexy thing.
In your pic I only saw the cunning intelligence and need to take total control over the planet.
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You sir have made a friend today.
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I looked at you in the eyes, and I felt a deep unsettling feeling in my soul.
I'm not sure what this means, just letting you know, yo.
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Oh yeah, that. Sometimes I turn people to stone. Sometimes it doesn't work through the internet though...
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ô.ô
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>.<
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I feel like this was planned in advance.
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o.-
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ಠ_ಠ
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ಠ㉨ಠ
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-_-
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its because deep down you realize that you are really just looking at yourself. this scares most people
The eyes are our most sensitive organ, and when you look and look and look into another person's eyes you are looking at the most beautiful jewels in the universe.And if you look down beyond that surface beauty, it's the most beautiful jewel in the universe, because that's the universe looking at you.We are the eyes of the cosmos.So that in a way, when you look deeply into somebody's eyes, you're looking deep into yourself, and the other person is looking deeply into the same self, which many-eyed, as the mask of Vishnu is many- faced, is looking out everywhere, one energy playing myriads of different parts.
- Alan Watts
6
good point
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Why? Have you been to therapy?
4
It was only around 16 that I realised that this isn't normal. We were discussing eye-color in class and I didn't know the color of anyone's eyes. I always just look at their noses or at my computer screen if I'm at work. I don't even know why to be honest. It feels uncomfortable for me.
As for therapy, I haven't had any, and I don't really feel like I need to, TBH. A previous experience with a therapist made me realize that perhaps I'm just better dealing with stuff on my own. Apart from sometimes people thinking I'm rude, it doesn't interfere too much in my life.
8
It feels uncomfortable for me.
Honestly, I feel the same way. I make eye contact with people I know well/am comfortable with, but even sometimes the situation makes me retreat back into being unable to do so.
21 year old female here.
6
Me too. (20m btw) It went right along with my sky high social anxiety. It was always a huge deal, and honestly i don't think i really ever did it until I was forced to by--of all things--the college interview process. Surprisingly it wasn't that hard to keep up once I started--but man does it ever still take a long time knowing a friend to get to that level. Damn weird, really--I regularly look total strangers and my closest friends in the eye, but if you're anywhere inbetween you're shit outta luck.
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Hopefully i'll be where you are in a couple of years.
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Best of luck. :) I am not as extreme as you, but I do have a mild understanding.
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If she's 21, and you're 23, and you're where she is in a couple years.. I wanna come ride on your time machine. I won't make you look in my eyes if you don't want to, but they are beautiful and blue ;)
1
So you're not bothered by this trait and don't want to change it? If so I don't see what the problem is. Not that you said there was one ;)
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At this moment in time it doesn't bother me too much. Sometimes I wonder about how I come across to to other people and to what degree they notice. No one has said anything (although I doubt this says much).
I also have no idea how high a priority eye-contact is to the rest of the world. Is it this huge important thing that is a major factor in communication? If that's the case and it starts to get in my way, then I may be motivated to change.
TLDR: still working it out.
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I'm pretty sure this is only a huge factor when in a relationship. Most people love to have eye contact with the person they love. Me personally I never look at peoples eyes well enough to notice a color but that's just me.
3
People do notice. My boss does this, and it took a while for me to feel comfortable with it. Most of the time I felt like he couldn't look me in the eyes because I had done something wrong that he didn't want to talk about.
3
Eye contact makes me uncomfortable, as well. I've gotten better over the years, but people have told me that I often appear aloof and disinterested. I don't make friends very easily. People who know me well don't mind, though.
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What about close friends and family? Do you feel comfortable making eye contact with them? If it doesn't bother and doesn't affect your life negatively, I don't see any reason to change or see a therapist.
1
It's ok...just move to Japan.
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Unfortunately i think then I'll stick out in other ways... like my height. (Okay, so 5ft9 is not that tall, but for a female in japan it is... I think)
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Even better...you physically won't be able to make eye contact.
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That is not how eye contact works.
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- Michael Peters, eye contact extraordinaire
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good point
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5ft9 in Japan is only a bit above average.
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actually that is pretty tall for a girl in Japan.
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Do you have memory problems or an aversion to making eye contact?
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I'm curious what memory problems has to do with anything...
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Quoting the AMA headline "I'm a 23 year old female who CANNOT REMEMBER the last time she made eye contact with anyone."
It was meant to be tongue-in-cheek, but it obviously failed.
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Ah, my apologies. :p
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I dont remember asking that
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I don't understand how memory problems fit into the equation, i don't think i have any memory issues. I just feel super uncomfortable with eye contact.
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Quoting your AMA headline "I'm a 23 year old female who CANNOT REMEMBER the last time she made eye contact with anyone."
It was meant to be tongue-in-cheek, but it obviously failed.
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Haha, missed that. Good one. :)
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This may be one of the least provocative AMA's that I ever remember seeing. Though, my memory is working just fine to the best of my knowledge.
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What are your future plans?
Have you ever dated anyone?
I would suggest counseling or thearapy because you're only going to end up lonely.
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I plan to conquer life. To learn to be the best i can be and to do all i can to help others and make them feel awesome.
I am looking for a man who could hold my hand and be understanding of all my quirks.
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I've dated a fair few females in my time, and it was about 50/50 (anecdotally determined, so grain of salt time I guess) between eye contact and not. Honestly, looking back, the only difference a relative lack of eye contact made was that it made her more sweet/coy, a trait I happen to enjoy. (That said, those who did make eye contact seemed more forward, but without knowing you i can't say for sure whether you fit this heuristic or not.)
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I'm definitely not forward, that's for sure.
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Apologies if you already said this, but have you ever dated anyone? What was the dynamic like? Do you consider yourself to be physically attractive? (I left out personalitically [it's a word because i say so] because based on what you said, you should have no problem keeping the right guy once you find him--sadly though, physical attractiveness is often [though not always] the primary hook.)
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Is there any part of you that wants to get over this?
Why is looking at eyes so hard for you? What kind of soul do you think you have? It's not the black swirling mess you may think it is. It's a nice little soul that's bright and warm.
You know this is about you not wanting to acknowledge something about yourself, or you afraid to look inside yourself. All it takes to get over your fear is a desire to do the same.
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Ok, i'm going to be honest here. I feel like everything i do in life is pretend. Everyone else seems to know whet to do and what to say instinctively. I feel like i'm just a fake copy cat who had to learn how to live by copying others. I feel like i'm pretty good at it too. I feel like the only give-away is my eyes. If they see my eyes they'll know i'm a fake.
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Everyone else seems to know whet to do and what to say instinctively.
Trust me: They don't. Almost everyone thinks this way, but eventually you realize we're all just winging it. I'll be honest, there are only a few people I'm completely honest with. Some of my closest "friends" don't know me nearly as well as they think they do, because I don't volunteer information they'll react poorly to or I act based on social conventions to avoid awkwardness. You're no more "fake" than anyone else.
Edit: Relevant, second one in particular.
I know the words of an internet stranger will never be powerful enough to magic away your worries, but for what little it's worth, don't fret about being judged and labeled a "fake." Everyone has facades.
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Well, the part about copying is probably pretty true. I mean, how can we learn without copying? I know my 'personality' is just an amalgamation of stuff I picked up, mostly in the language my parents spoke.
I know why you feel you are fake, but your argument is invalid, because you are worth much more than you give yourself credit for. There is something about you that is wholly original and beautiful. It is the truth in you that is this wonderful thing. You only think people will judge you as fake because that is what you think about yourself. You have yet to find the truth in you because you hide it from yourself with silly, meaningless thoughts.
Do you really want to play this game until you die, then have to go do it again because you didn't get it right the first time?
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You can say that my argument is invalid and that I'm a special little unique snowflake all day but I'm still going to have to walk away from this computer and face the real harsh world who doesn't care about me or my feelings or my "silly, meaningless thoughts".
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Your thoughts are silly and meaningless and so is the world that you made to give them context.
I'm not one of those who are saying you are a special and unique snowflake and that's all you have and you should embrace it. I'm saying you are the ONLY thing that exists. It's just you. That's it. You're looking at a picture of your inner condition projected outside of yourself because it is too painful to experience firsthand. But you are experiencing it, through layer upon layer of projection and dissolution.
You do have to look away from the computer screen and go face the outside world. The world does not care about you or your feelings. It is merely an effect of your thoughts. Why does it seem the way it is to you? Because that is the way you would have it be.
Let me tell you about a different world. The world you could be experiencing is lovely, welcoming and warm. In it, there are only friends who will judge you wholly innocent and you are protected from any kind of harm. It this world, there is no death - no loss of any kind. Each gives all to everyone and in return receives all endlessly.
This is what awaits you. Would you let tiny fear wither you and make you unable to see what you are? It is your purpose to overcome fear, and when you choose to do so, you will have the help of the strong part of your mind. Don't be discouraged when you fail - simply be determined to succeed the next time you are given the opportunity.
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Your argument is clearly invalid.
Actually, it's not, I just wanted to link to that because it makes me laugh.
You are certainly unique, and I could prove it mathematically if you needed.
Anyway, you should PM me if you get bored. I am a chronic white-knighter, but I'm pretty socially awkward myself and would be happy to have a new friend.
Or you could just ignore me. But you should click that link either way.
1
This is about perception; this is the way you perceive the world around you. It's really hard to change one's assumptions about the world. Practicing perspective taking might help you...in the way that it will encourage you to look at the world through different colored lenses so to speak.
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I used to feel pretty shitty about not having the same intuitive grasp of life that others around me seemed to. But once i got to college I realized two things. One: the things I perceived them to have a good grasp on were actually totally meaningless. And two: Everyone, at all times, is winging it. EVERYONE. This helped my self image so much.
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Eye contact is very important. It's a fundamental of interpersonal communication. Without it you can miss on subtle jokes, sarcasm, and intimacy with a romantic partner; also, people may not trust you, misinterpret your intentions in a conversation, or find you standoffish or stuck up.
Have you had any serious relationships? If so, how long do they last? What was the reason for the break up?
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i'm really bad at this too, i tend to talk to people without looking at them a lot.
I need to stop that.
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I think i come across most rude at work, when i look at my pc while talking to others sometimes. Thats more because i am all caught up in work.
Otherwise i just look at their nose or something.
Also, i must bed that i work in a thing-dominated environment, so often when discussing work with my boss, we are both focused on the paper or whiteboard or whatever
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People have shy/asshole confusion that's why they think you are rude:
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Pick a good friend. Tell them about this problem. They will help you get better. Once you realize that most everyone maintain eye contact during conversation, you'll start to feel more awkward NOT making eye contact.
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go. I'd give you my other eye too but I don't think we're quite there yet
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This might sound weird, but even though the eye is right in the camera, it feels like it's actually pointing to the left. Perhaps it's due to the reflection on the right.
TIL: One eye is more comfortable than two.
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it IS point to the left, as in my other eye is left of that one
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[deleted]
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So what you're saying is you suck at staring contests...
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Wow, I'm like the dead opposite of you... I love eyes because they give away so much and apparently I sometimes make people uncomfortable because I kind of stare really intensely into their eyes trying to guess what they are really thinking when I'm in a conversation... Probably I would scare you though so that's not so good. Maybe you should try and get through this, because it might make a big difference in connecting with people in your life? Also what's your job? I can't imagine never seeing the eyes of my boss or people I talk to at work.
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I'll make eye contact with you o.o STARE
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I'm the opposite. For some reason, people never make eye-contact with me.
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I see what you did there...
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Just fucking look people in their eyes, you shady fuck.
Remember, no one is better than you. We are all equals. Don't fear.
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[deleted]
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How hard does it make relationships if your human contact is limited in this way?
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It doesn't feel like my contact is limited, to be honest. There are a couple of people at work whom I would call friends who don't seem to have noticed/cared about/mentioned my lack of eye contact, and I'd like to say I know them relatively well.
Additionally, what is your definition of "hard"? Do you mean for me or for the person I'm in a relationship with? Relationships are always difficult for me, although I doubt it's the lack of eye contact. What is the measure of how "hard" a relationship is?
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Not to make you feel paranoid, but it's definitely noticeable. My last boss had the same problem.
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I was referring to the formation of personal relationships--not just friends.
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I'll answer this later when i can think straight.
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I can't remember the last time I made eye contact with a 23 year old female.
haha