Source
r/atheism•
Superpass

Have any atheists here not told their parents, not because you're afraid of their reaction, but because you love them too much?

Hey r/atheism! This popped into my head today, right before I left for work. My parents divorced when I was young, and my mom raised me and my brother pretty much on her own. I am 21 now, with an older brother who hasn't been in contact with any of us for a few years now.

I always knew my mother believed in God. She goes to church pretty regularly, I stopped a couple years ago. She has devotional books she sometimes reads. I am currently reading the bible cover to cover, and really questioning my faith. I've been leaning towards atheism now for a while. I'm a pretty emotional person, and I don't want to tell her that I'm shedding my faith because I don't want to hurt her. Is there anyone else with the same situation here?

TL;DR: I'm shedding my faith. I'm an emotional person, and I don't want to hurt my Christian mother by telling her. Anyone else in the same situation?

EDIT: I should point out that the reason my brother has been out of contact is that he was depressed in high school due to him feeling alone being gay. We were never that close, and when he graduated and moved out he cut contact with us. I think the reaction from my dad and step-mom helped make the decision easier for him.

Posted Feb 14, 2011, 4:06 AM UTC · edited

926
AddyctAgnostic Atheist•

Perhaps I'm being a bit too "revolutionary" for some, but I believe it is important that as many of us "come out" as possible.

We are the most persecuted and hated group in America. Many, many people think that all atheists are evil, unmoral people. We need to make ourselves known in this country. we need to have examples of good, honest, loving Atheists living their lives.

basically...

We're here! There's no god! Get used to it!

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SuperpassOP•

I agree to what you're saying. I know atheists have a terrible stigma, and they are persecuted to a great extent. Although we still have all of our rights, unlike the lgbt community, etc.

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AddyctAgnostic Atheist•

Legally, you're right, we still pretty much have our rights, if only because of the 1st Amendment. In practice, however, you can't tell me we aren't discriminated against.

http://newsjunkiepost.com/2009/09/19/research-finds-that-atheists-are-most-hated-and-distrusted-minority/

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SuperpassOP•

Oh no, I completely agree. There is no doubt we are mistrusted and hated. Legal rights are what set us slightly above. That's it.

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bewmar•

Not the right to hold office in some state constitutions.

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SuperpassOP•

Really? I wasn't aware of that being the case. That is sad, especially in our (mainly) secular society.

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bewmar•

From wikipedia:

In the United States, seven state constitutions officially include religious tests that would effectively prevent atheists from holding public office, and in some cases being a juror/witness, though these have not generally been enforced since the early nineteenth century.

Federal law against discrimination would override the state's mandate if the issue came up, but it doesn't matter as politicians wouldn't have a chance running as an open atheist in those states anyway.

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[deleted]•

[deleted]

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nerdscallmegeek•

I haven't told my mother and never will. I gain nothing by telling her the truth. All it would do is break her heart and strain our relationship. I'm just letting my mother continue to assume I believe in a god when we hardly talk about religion anyways. it's not a big deal to me.

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SuperpassOP•

Same situation here. We don't talk about religion/God/Jesus really. I went to church with her and her side of the family for Christmas. For me, it is more important to make her/them happy and keep the peace than to announce my stance on my faith.

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skeptix•

You gain the truth. Until you tell her, you're sharing a lie.

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nerdscallmegeek•

what good do I gain by breaking my mother's heart? peace of mind? no. it's not important enough to me to do that to my mother. Its not like I'm gay hiding my spouse from her, it's a fucking opinion I have and it's not worth telling my mother if it means I lose my relationship with my mother.

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skeptix•

You're not "doing" anything. We need to stop treating people so delicately.

Rather, you are "not doing" something, specifically you are not being honest.

If being true to yourself causes pain to your mother or a severing of your relationship, then so be it. A tenuous relationship predicated on a lie isn't much of a relationship at all.

It is not your opinion, it is who you are.

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nerdscallmegeek•

no, it is not "who I am". not believing in a god is no more different to me than not believing Elvis is still alive or thinking astrology is bullshit. it doesn't define who I am in any manner. it's just an opinion.

to make it into this huge thing like you're trying to do is ridiculous.

I don't burn bridges with people just because they have a different opinion than I do, and if allowing some of those people to think I agree with them then it's no skin off my back.

nothing positive would come from my telling my mother I'm an atheist and I'm perfectly fine taking that little opinion to the grave. if you think differently in regards to your personal situation then good for you.

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TheRedTeam•

I'm married with kids, and I won't tell my parents unless they really push it. They know we don't attend church, but thankfully it never really comes up. I've said grace now and then, I go to church with them when I visit, it's not a big deal for me.

Why don't I tell them? Two reasons.

  1. I don't want the annoyance it will cause me.
  2. I don't want them worrying about my eternal soul, I know they would and however dumb it is I don't want to stress them out. They're pretty old already.
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SuperpassOP•

Same thing with my mom. I don't want to cause her any stress by saying something that is trivial in the grand scheme of things. Religion isn't brought up, so I don't see any reason to cause undue hurt to her.

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skeptix•

The truth is greater than minor personal inconveniences.

They're pretty old already.

This made me cringe.

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TheRedTeam•

The truth is greater than minor personal inconveniences.

That's true maybe some of the time.

This made me cringe.

You don't like old people?

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Shellfishisasin•

Put it this way.

Do you feel trapped by not telling her? Than tell her. If you do not want to lie or keep hiding in a closet, than by all means.

Do you not mind not telling her? Than do not tell her. It isn't worth the the time and stress that will ensue.

It all depends on whether or not you want/have the capacity to lie about it.

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SuperpassOP•

Thanks for the reply. I didn't have the intention of posting this asking for advice, but what you say is true. Religion isn't talked about here at all, and I don't feel there is a reason to tell her. I don't feel trapped by keeping it inside. I'm fine with not saying anything about it because I stand to lose a lot, but there is nothing to gain.

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[deleted]•

[deleted]

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skeptix•

I consider it disrespectful to be dishonest about who you are. I consider it even more disrespectful to think of anyone as too "fragile" to be told the truth.

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SuperpassOP•

Don't get me wrong, I know my mother is a strong person. It is more that I am not in the mindset that would allow me to tell her this, especially when we don't explicitly talk about faith/religion.

It is an interesting side of the argument that you pointed out.

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trentib69•

i told everyone... and i think they already new.. me and my grandmother... tresurer in her church and all had debates when I as 8.. i do come from a very religious family in nebraska... no one cared really.. no one tried to change my mind.. they just excepted me cause they loved me...

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trentib69•

to be honest i think it's pretty sad if you feel you can't share part of yourself with the ones you love... it's not like you have to make a big deal about it and announce it... little clues will take care of that for you.. and for the most part will be a transition to the time when you actually say it out loud

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keebiejeebie•

I semi-told my mother and it really strained our relationship. Now I just avoid the issue. I don't mind letting her think what she wishes until I have my own kids. I'm not sure what's going to happen then because I'd like to keep the status quo, but I'm sure as fuck not letting her indoctrinate my kids.

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MIUfishAtheist•

I've somewhat avoided the topic with my mom, but I think she's more or less figured out where I stand. My sister has already had a somewhat confrontational conversation with her.

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HailCorduroy•

My parents died years ago before I was sure of my atheism. I have not told my grandparents because I didn't want them to worry about me. I'm pretty open about it with my friends and co-workers (now, my last job I wasn't )

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