Source
r/OCPoetry•
madeinthew3st

for the women who inspire mythcrafters and playwrights

Feedback Received!

she won’t be your Aphrodite

fresh-born from seafoam

adorned in coral

and draped in pearls

singing sweet love songs

under the stars

and she will not be your Helen

war is not her realm

she does not want ships

or to be told

her pretty face could

launch a thousand

she will be your Lysistrata

so divine she could

stop an army from its

violent rampage

with only what lies

between her thighs

so crafty she would

think to do it

and so determined

it just might work

~

feedback | some more feedback

Posted Apr 3, 2020, 3:50 PM UTC

12325
Bhdc2020•

This is beautiful

I think you would love DJ Vadim and Sarah Jones - This Revolution - its a feminist rework of the Revolution will not be televised by Gil Scot Heron. Also anythong by Anna Wise <3

18
Casual_Gangster•

These references are great, but could you expand on how they connect with aspects of this poem?

2
Bhdc2020•

Sorry, yes.

With the Sarah Jones track, the repetition of certain lines, such as "your revolution will not happen between these thoghs - will not happen between these thighs," etc - i felt like OP's poem echoed that sentiments and got that vehemence across in an opposite way, stripped it down. The common phrasing in places added to this.

With Anna Wise in general - her songs are very sex and body positive, whilst calling out things like catcalling culture, which i felt was a different way OP's poem connected -a powerful and focused breaking down of those conventions, with attitude and a "you don't, and won't, and can't, own me."

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Casual_Gangster•

Thanks for expanding!

2
madeinthew3stOP•

Hey! Thanks for the recommendations — they’re so thoughtful, and really do seem like they’ll be up my alley. I’ll check them out! 💖

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Anubace•

I really like the way you formatted this poem. Beginning with the name of someone from ancient mythology, stating that "she" will not be that person, then stating facts of that person. Especially when you are discussing Aphrodite, I think your poem really speaks to how high current social standards are for certain things. However, when you talk about Lysistrata you give credit to what "she" will do. I think you do a great job of saying who "she" should be expected to be, and who "she" should not be expected to be. This is amazing!

6
takemetotheclouds123•

I’m not counting this as Feedback or anything but I just want you to know I FUCKING LOVE THIS!

5
jlpaez87•

I agree 100% this is a beautiful poem!

----fresh-born from seafoam----

I love the image this paints in my mind. I can feel the seafoam on my own skin as if I am the one emerging!

3
Casual_Gangster•

Was there any other aspects you particularly enjoyed; why? Was there anything you thought could be improved?

1
Ishlocke•

Really great imagery here. Very cohesive, every line feeds off of and from the line before it. Also I might be biased here--and this is probably purely coincidental--but it reminds me a lot of some of the dialogue and imagery used in 'The Lighthouse' film that came out this year, I think. But anyway, yeah. I really dig this poem, good job and keep it up.

3
Bhdc2020•

Yesss

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Empty_Awake•

The title says it is "for the women" but it's seem to be "about" the women. "For" leads to believe that you're writing to those women. If that is the case, why start with what "she won't" do?

Also, why say in one line, "she will be your Lysistrata" and then it the next, "she could"? If she is, she will. All of the could's and would's create ambiguity, when from the start you already stated that "she won't" be an ideal. Which is it? Unless perhaps you want to play upon the unachievable desire of the mythcrafter and playwright. But if it's a playful game she plays, which is denied in the end, why open with what she won't do?

Finally, poems absolutely don't need to rhyme, but if they only rhyme once, that one place better be some absolutely incredible wordplay that incorporates the overall theme or intent, or feeling of the entire piece. "lies" and "thighs" is giving away the game.

There's definitely something here. Keep digging.

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madeinthew3stOP•

I think we’re actually on the same page about a lot of these ideas, and somewhere between my brain and yours, some communicative lines got crossed. The “for” in the title is a dedication, not a declaration — this poem isn’t a message directly to anyone, even the women in the title, but was inspired by and written for them all the same. I would have used “will” in the stanza about Lysistrata, but the concept of using sex to stop a war is still a hypothetical one at that point, which I tried to illustrate by including the next lines of her conceiving the idea in the first place, then only implementing it in the end.

Regarding the rhyme, it was actually unintentional — a consequence of line breaks that maintain both the meter and the flow of the poem. I would gladly take suggestions for one-syllable alternatives to either “lies” or “thighs” — I considered “legs” for the latter, but it felt clunkier to me. Thoughts?

1
Empty_Awake•

The lack of punctuation means a lack of separation of ideas. I read this poem in one push from start to finish. There are some natural breaks, which is great, it gives it flow. But if you want to emphasize "the conception" of an idea you should help the reading to realize that the voice has changed.

But if you say thoughts...

She is not your Aphrodite,
adorned in coral
and draped in pearls.
Nor is She your Helen,
war is not her realm
under the stars.
She will be your Lysistrata,
so divine and so determined,
to stop a violent rampage
with what lies between her craft.

It's a little clunky, but that trims the fat.

(I am a butcher, and for that, excuse me. But I do not think I added any words of my own, I only cut away those words that I did not think were helping.)

1
Rothmier•

I enjoyed your poem, it has a pleasant confidence to it that isn't overwhelming while still being sure of itself. I am curious though, why did you format the poem this the way you did?

2
madeinthew3stOP•

With spacing between each line? Mostly because I prefer the way it looks on Reddit better. When I write in a word processor, it’s typically with 1.5 spacing or so and stanza breaks between the parts referencing each literary woman, but if there’s a way to achieve that effect on this site I don’t know what it is. If that’s not what you meant, could you clarify please?

2
gradeAdumbazz•

I like how this poem is very relatable, at least for me.

so divine she could

stop an army from its

violent rampage

This is probably my favorite group of lines. It could be interpreted in several ways from literally to metaphorically.

The "army" could also be personal demons from a single individual.

Great poem nuff said.

2
CoroPixel•

Very very thoughtful and reflective, putting a new perspective on women's roles in poetics and drama, and I'm so so more than thankful there's artists who have that passion in their craft, that build upon an archaic storytelling medium by creating such a wonderful reflection of legends that lived on-stage.

I felt through each syllable, finding the natural rhythm of the work, and from the very beginning I had a hope that Marlowe's line would make an appearance (especially if we're talking about Helen of Troy here). You really have a naturalistic way of stringing distinctly different eras of narrative together in a way that makes this piece feel more like an ode, in and of itself, to storytelling.

I was very directly moved by this piece, partially because of my background in the subject matter but more generally because of the verse used to weave the stories of these women together. You took a crack at very well known works, works that have been done endlessly, and still made something new from it.

Excellent work. Please continue.

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madeinthew3stOP•

Thank you for taking the time to leave such a lovely, thorough comment. I’m grateful for every single person that reads my work, but there’s something very special about reaching someone with the same passion for the subject matter. 💖

1
OnionLegend•

I love hearing about Greek/Roman mythology and history so this was quite interesting to see. The first line “She won’t be your Aphrodite” is super powerful imagery especially if you know about mythology.

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VeryBrightBlue•

I'm glad this poem is getting the praise it deserves - its really good! It reminds me a little of Maya Angelous 'Still I Rise" especially in the line "stop an army/from its violent rampage/ with only what lies/between her thighs/.

What I really love about this poem is how 'clean cut' your images are - with the subject you have chose you could have filled pages with descriptions of ancient myth, instead you have boiled your images down to very clean cut lines! This works in tandem really well with the layout of the poem, they compliment each other fantastically!

I also really like the ending of your poem "so crafty she would/ think to do it/ and so determined/ it might just work" - I like how the final thoughts are on that she might do it, more that she will achieve it! This really builds on the empowering theme you've built up throughout the poem and rounds it very nicely

GGs this is a very accomplished poem

2
Rothmier•

That is what I meant. Reddit’s formatting tools are limited and I think your poem would be better served with stanzas and something a bit more fluid than a line-space-line pattern. However, people do that all the time on Reddit, and half the time it’s just because we don’t have the tools to do anything else.

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