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Your eyes are like honey, and I am a fly,

Trapped in the sticky, sweet mess

Your lips are like water on the hottest summer day,

And I can't stop drinking even long enough to catch my breath

And your breath against my neck sends shivers down my spine

Your hands tap the rhythm of a hundred rainy nights spent beneath a tin roof

Your existence is music to my ears,

Tuned to the perfect frequency to reach me

I reach out, eager to express my love, only to discover all the words have been stolen

And the stars aren't fixed in the sky,

But they're sure as hell not as broken as my mind

Or my ability to play nice

Or say what I mean

We look up in wonder of the vastness of it all

"How did we get here?" I ask.

"Where's here?"

Then we laugh and we can't stop and suddenly the ground shoots up to meet us

We're on the dewy grass, rolling in the moonlight

Reaching wildly for an ounce of recognition, a single modicum of validation

We seek in each other what we couldn't find for ourselves:

A place like this,

"Home."

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/fup8w9/airplanes/fme1xoc?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/fukcil/misery/fme2ie5?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Posted Apr 4, 2020, 8:08 AM UTC

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InisibleContribution•

Wow, I don’t know why I love this but it strikes at the ethos of the concept of “home.” You have captured the feeling that I get from the place that I visualize as my future home.

I don’t know if I would change anything, I loved it...

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Casual_Gangster•

How does the poem strike at that concept or home? Just try to expand on that area

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MojoRollin•

The very best so far ! Dramatic and soft and beautiful. Well done

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Casual_Gangster•

What was dramatic or soft about this poem; why? Why was this your favorite poem on the sub so far?

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MojoRollin•

loss of words, spinning stars, beautifully dramatic and it also flows.... Ive known this float away in love infatuation,,,,,,, and this poem took me right back to that time and held me there .... I’ll thank OP here if that’s ok.

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Casual_Gangster•

Could you discuss those ideas in terms of how the poem produces them though?

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Mr_fahrenheit17•

This is a great poem! I love the freedom that the free verse structure gives it. I think in terms of the imagery and flow that you create (which is beautiful I’d like to add) a rhyme scheme could further this, but that’s just personal choice. The line “sure as hell” sticks out to me - theres something emotionally provocative about the use of hell there, and I love it. I’m not sure about your meaning behind “or say what I mean”, so that may be an expression issue. The enjambment works well as an expression of conscience, but I’d watch the breaks in flow without a purpose, as if that’s what you’re going for there are some points where full stops would be better suited, such as after “tin roof”. All in all, this is a very interesting poem with eloquent expression, well done!

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Conscious-Millennial•

I love the ending, and how it ties into finding solidarity in each other and comfort in the unknown. It is clear that you have found a great love, one who accepts you. I feel the love from your writing and appreciate you being vulnerable. It’s seems you are self conscious in yourself (who isn’t) haha but I think the acceptance and acknowledgement of these aspects builds the story of your love. You painted a clear picture and wrapped it up perfectly. I am still new to writing and am learning myself, I wish I could give you more actionable feedback but I enjoyed your writing.

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love_pendant•

I really love the metaphors! They're simple but extremely effective. This poem elicits emotions in me that I haven't felt in years.

The only thing I would personally consider changing is the line, "Then we laugh and we can't stop and suddenly the ground shoots up to meet us." It's just a little clonky to me. I would either break it up into two lines (the second line starting at "and suddenly") or add a semicolon after "stop" and remove the "and" right after it.

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cyborg_num0•

Not only do the metaphors do a great job at describing the author's feelings towards their beloved, they also evoke powerful imagery. The freedom that free-verse allows combined with the colorful metaphors gives the poem a hallucinogenic quality, like a mosaic in written form.

The line "I reach out, eager to express my love, only to discover all the words have been stolen" evokes feelings of sympathy towards the author. It's here also that the poem's narrative changes. Before that, the author's describing his sentiments towards the person who's the object of their affection in such a manner that it gives the impression that they're at ease with them. But this line suddenly introduces an element of unease to it and I like that.

I also loved how the verses towards the end frame the relationship as part of the larger scheme of things and mentions questions related to the nature of Being. These lines have a mystical feel to it, reminding me of the works of Rumi's. We all like a happy ending and the poem ends on an optimistic note. Kind of saying that yes, everything isn't perfect, but it's still beautiful and it's home. At least, that's how I interpret it.

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notyetrobbers•

I love the imagery of this, especially in the first few lines, it's nice to imagine a nice summery day in times like these. Especially when this is placed next to a line describing rain, the comparison and the use of time is really nicely introduced. At the point where it says all the words have been stolen, I love the sudden change in pace and mood that evokes. Dramatic but done very very well :)

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ramen_lovr•

I LOVE “We seek in each other what we couldn’t find in ourselves.” I also adore the unique similes throughout, as well as the spacing between each one- it separates each thought efficiently while also continuing the theme. Great job!

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shashihmt99•

i could witness some excuisite use of metaphors in the poem above...it was a delight to eye s , to my mind and heart....the sentence formation was equally impeccable...felt like I was in my home with the beloved one....I could visualise everything

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Casual_Gangster•

Could you give some examples of metaphors you enjoyed or "sentence formulation"?

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StadiumFighter7•

This starts off really strong; "eyes like honey [...] I am a fly" conveys exactly what it needs to. I get a bit lost in the middle but I might not be reading into it deep enough.

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Casual_Gangster•

Why do you think you got lost in the middle? Was there anything else you enjoyed; why?

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StadiumFighter7•

I feel like "But they're sure as hell not as broken as my mind" stretches too far from the intentions of the poem; there's nothing else in the poem about mental health. Ultimately the poem is about love or, in a broader sense, relationships and how people can make one another feel at home. If they leaned more into the theme of being lost and mental health (perhaps with more cosmic imagery such as "And the stars aren't fixed in the sky"), I feel like that could have fleshed out the poem a bit more.

Additionally, "hell" sticks out a lot here simply because it's unlike the soft language used in the rest of the poem. However this could very well be the intention, separating out this one line reinforces the theme of being lost, being somewhere you should not be.

I also enjoyed "the ground shoots up to meet us [...] We're on the dewy grass". It's natural imagery that contrasts with the cosmic imagery used earlier to show where the speaker once was, lost, and where they now are, home.

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Casual_Gangster•

This is fantastic. Thank you for taking the time to expand!

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StadiumFighter7•

No problem! And thanks for taking the time to keep lazy people like me in check XD

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IveyRoney•

I like how you illustrate the beauty of nature and acknowledge the menacing side of the natural world at the same time. Wholly inticing and rewarding to finish.

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eliat2812•

Love the imageries in this poem. The speaker described being stuck in sweet honey is so visually appealing; I could see myself as a fly being stuck. Captivating.

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Casual_Gangster•

Was there anything you thought could be improved; why?

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eliat2812•

Yes, some of the lines could be shortened to make the poem flow better. In the line “Then we laugh and we can’t stop and suddenly the ground shoots up to meet us” could be changed to “we can’t stop laughing and suddenly the ground shoots up to meet us”

I feel like those few extra words really slow down the poem at a moment where “suddenly the ground shoots up....”

I also don’t know about the usage of suddenly in that line? I feel like they would convey the “suddenness” by using sentence structure (make it choppier?)

For example: “we can’t stop laughing. The ground shoots up to meet us.”

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Casual_Gangster•

This is great! Thanks for expanding!

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