Source
r/relationships•
Moon_Filth

I (20M) misinformed my girlfriend (20F) on weight loss

Relationships

Hi,
I think I really messed up big time right now. So I've always been active and I don't eat much besides the normal 3 meals a day so I've always been skinny and fit. My girlfriend doesn't really have an active lifestyle, and her body makes her really unhappy sometimes. I'm always supportive of her wanting to change but I love her body and I don't judge her for being a little chubby. She just really hates being chubby and has some self esteem issues when it comes to weight. So in retrospect maybe I should have been much more serious when she decided she wanted to lose weight.

Recently she decided she really wanted to drop some pounds and get into better shape and I was super supportive of her. However, I didn't really research how to lose weight and all of that stuff. So she's been doing exercises and stuff for a while but she started snacking recently and gained some weight she had lost. She had lost her appetite for a while because of some mental turmoil her family put her through, so she dropped snacking and only really ate her meals. She then started snacking again once that cleared up and ended up gaining weight even though she worked out.

She told me she regained weight and it seemed like her mentality got way worse so I looked up some sources to help her lose weight, because if she gained weight, working out wasn't helping. I sent her the links and she messaged me saying she felt like I had lied to her. I do think I'm guilty of this because when she said I had told her to just eat better and workout, I also said losing weight was easy. I feel really bad, and I was proud of her for losing weight, but right now it seems like she's really mad at me. I was planning on sending her a care package but now she doesn't want it and that just makes me worried. Could anyone share their perspective on what I wrote and give me some advice? I can provide any other details needed in the replies if necessary.

tl/dr I misinformed my girlfriend on how to lose weight

Posted Apr 30, 2020, 7:22 AM UTC

10
Cquest12•

Maybe it’s time for me to get some sleep, but the post was kinda hard to follow. Nevertheless, I’ll give it a go.

If I’m understanding this correctly she’s been yo-yoing a bit with her weight. You sent her some information and as a result gained more weight. (Is this what she’s referring to when saying you lied to her?) She was frustrated and disappointed about not losing weight and then you made some crass remarks saying losing weight is easy.

In case you aren’t aware, something can be easy for you, but harder for someone else. Obviously you could have handled this better but sometimes it’s not easy supporting someone who’s insecure.

Diet is the most important factor when attempting to lose or gain weight. From what you wrote, she constantly yo-yos back and forth because she snacks a lot when stressed out. I wish she and you well.

9
Moon_FilthOP•

I didn't really remark about losing weight being easy when she came to me frustrated about regaining weight, but I should definitely keep in mind that passing comments to me about weight and exercise are definitely going to matter to her a lot more. I should definitely be more mindful in the future about the things I say. Thank you for replying, sorry the post was jumbled and hard to follow, I just got really worried and typed it in a hurry.

1
BananaBean7•

Honestly I know you had good intentions, but I think as her boyfriend it might be a good idea to not give this type of advice at all. She's probably extra insecure about your view of her and the advice-giving could come across as condescending or wanting her to change. Or, as you found out, you could make a mistake.

There's a billion factors that go into how an individual can lose weight or what their "normal" is; it's different for everybody and it's never an easy answer. I think you should ask her to talk about and figure out a couple things --

  1. Both of your feelings about the issue. Is she mad at you, why she's mad at you, how you feel about it, etc.

  2. What she needs from you during this process. Does she need you to just listen and offer emotional support like "I'm happy for you" or "oh no I'm sorry that happened"? Does she want advice? Does she want you to help her meal plan or work out with her? Does she want you to not give any input? Ask her what kind of parameters she has, what she wants and what's off-limits. Don't be offended by what she says.

  3. What you need or what boundaries you have -- since this is "her thing" you may not have many needs, but for example needing her to let you know if you overstepped any boundaries is a fair request.

  4. Ultimately you can't fix her self esteem for her and it is an extremely touchy subject for some. It can come with a lot of baggage and pain. Just compliment her a lot and respect her desires and boundaries.

4