Weed keeps me from being the appropriate vessel for my ambition.

When I quit weed and maintain sobriety, I go crazy.

I start abstaining, fasting, running etc. I go wild into just getting it. I feel like Rock Lee dropping his weights.. and then I romanticize, end up liking a girl who likes me or something and get complacent because I receive the slightest form of external validation.

I smoked heavy from 13 to 18, worked in the mine for a few months and then smoked from then until 21. At 21, I went back to the mine for over a year until I got a house. I didn’t plan on smoking but I ended up with a more lenient job.. So I’ve been smoking a half/week since last October.

Every bag of weed I get is my barrier to my better self, it’s an excuse to not face that possessive ambition and the higher standards for myself. I just got out of an engagement and even started drinking a bit. I haven’t gotten black-out yet but I’ve just been drinking and smoking.. I tripped the other day and had zero reflects, no ego-death. I just kept drinking and smoking.

I can’t wait to break this, and allow my ambition to flourish.. I need to stop being afraid of being better.