I won't graduate, my parents are still hoping and I'm feeling a lot of shit rn

I'm in my senior year of college, 3D animation (yeah i know fuck me for not picking a real job) Tomorrow we're having individual meetings with the teachers where they're going to tell us if we're graduating or not. Everyone, teachers, students working in studios, professionals interacting with us, recognize that unless we plan on going to the US right after school (which i won't) the diploma is uterly useless. Recruiters care about or demo and our reputation, not our diplomas. So really it doesn't matter.

Still I already know I won't have it. This last year has been shit for me. I'm good with my technical skills, I'm not good with my soft skills, communication and time management especially. Bascially the most important skills in the real world. Spending most of 2 years working on a project that has been constantly doing badly during the eval didn't help with my motivation and stress. I switched groups, my habits got better but not all, not enough. I don't have any illusions. I know I'm not graduating. Which again, not important. But I'm not graduating BECAUSE of my poor soft skills. Which means I'm having a bad rep with my future "coworkers" (classmates). And the reputation we have IS important, this field works through networking. Pretty sure four of the people I worked with hate me atm. So diploma or not, I'm fucked either way. At this point getting a diploma would feel more weird than anything. The diploma isn't important.

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Anyway my dad, all fucking happy bullshit, came this evening talking about how I'm getting my result tomorrow. I told him, like I already did many times, that I'm not getting my diploma so he would stop talking about it with his dumb smile. I can't stand looking at his fucking happy face full of ignorance. And that fuckers is STILL going on saying how mayyybe i will have it. As if he can't fucking believe me. As if I don't know my situation better than he does. As if I don't know better than him when it's over. And then he went on saying how it's profundly unfair (lol shut up? I don't deserve this diploma, and even if i id how the fuck would he knows what is unfair or not). And then he went on asking if i can repeat this year, lol no it doesn't exist in my school, and I don't want to try again anyway.

I jut heard my parents in the bedroom say how they disappointed or some shit. And yet they KEEP hoping I will get my diploma, like don't they learn???? They're just setting themselved up for more disappointement when they bullshit hope they cling on to is going to be crushed. I guess it's what you get when your only priviledged daughter who never struggled end up struggling in college. But fuck. Don't put your bullshit expectation on me.

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My dad pushed me to tell him why i'm not graduating, i explained him my soft skill issues, "well how are you going to work in a studio?" he asks. Yeah great fucking question. Almost as if I wonder that myself. My current plan is suic*de (fuck you bot). I didn't tell him of course. But what the fuck kind of answer does he expects?

I'm panicking. Somehow the thought of actually getting that diploma makes me even more panicky because of the dissonance, because it means I won't have anything to show to prove how much of a piece of shit I am. I've been thinking on and off about k*lling myself and my dad coming to talk to me put me in that s*icidal state of mind again. And earlier this year while I was having those thoughts he was talking about how I don't seem stressed enough, lol fuck him.

There's just a fucking dissonance between my state of mind based on what I KNOW, being myself and actually knowing how the field and my school works, and their HoPeFuL state of mind being outsider and idk not accepting that their daughter could be a failure. And it's annoying.

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Anyway there thanks for reading sorry for the swearing (lol) and the rambling