We are For Hire (Ep. 2)

P1 is walking stealthily through a forest, being careful not to alert any wild animals by stepping on any dry leaves. He pulls his phone out, only to see that it’s dead.

P1: God damn it, how did I even get lost back here?

A loud noise alerts P1 behind him, and a snake slowly slithers down a tree branch. P1 screams and takes off on the other direction, the snake jumping off of the branch to his shoulder. It tries to bite P1’s neck, but P1 shakes it off.

He runs right out of the forest and finally into the campsite, where a confused Zero stands, barbecue fork in hand. P1 points behind him, and Zero walks to get shoulder to shoulder with him.

P1: There’s a, uh… there’s uh…

P1 falls back, and Zero goes to check his pulse. He stands up and sees the giant snake slowly making its way out of the trees, and the snake gets face to face with Zero. Zero tells the snake to come get some, and the snake strikes.

Zero puts the snake in a head lock and flips him over, hitting him with a beautiful reverse body slam. He pulls back the barbecue fork, and then throws it at the snake. The snake almost jumps into it, and then falls back dead. Zero turns to P1, who is slowly coming to.

Zero: Pathetic.

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Woody is dragging wood from the truck to the middle of the campsite, and Balls Lameman comes running up to him.

Balls: Mr. Woody, may I speak to you in private?

Woody looks around at the campsite and then back at Balls.

Woody: There's literally nobody else in sight right now.

Balls: Oh, ok, that’s fine. Well here’s my dilemma, sir. Me and my wife have finally finalized our divorce, and she has full custody of the kids. I was wondering if I could, uh, hire you guys to take her out?

Woody stops in his tracks from hauling wood and looks at Balls.

Woody: Did you just put a hit on your fucking ex-wife? You want us to kill her so you can spend Sunday’s with your kids?

Balls nods.

Woody: You’re fucking stupid.

Woody turns around and goes back to moving wood, but Balls runs back up to him.

Balls: Can you please do me a favor then?

Woody: Jesus Christ, what is it?

Balls: Can you maybe, uh, plant drugs in her house? Or blow our- I mean her house up? Or both? They might deem her unfit to be the guardian of the kids, an-

Woody: Balls, shut the fuck up. We’ll take care of it, alright? Just go back to your tent.

Balls shakes Woody’s hand eccentrically and runs back to his lopsided tent.

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Woody, P1, and Zero are all wearing tight black latex suits and black masks, only their eyes showing. Woody slowly sneaks around up to the big, expensive house in front of them, and beckons for Zero and P1 to follow him. Woody picks the lock on the door, and the three men walk into the house.

Woody: Who has the drugs?

P1 pulls out a bag of meth and shakes it. He gives the bag to Woody, and Woody goes forward alone. Zero slowly walks upstairs, and P1 goes outside to find the entrance to the basement.

Woody finds an office with papers scattered everywhere, and he slowly slips the bag of meth under a file. He takes out his phone and texts Zero and P1 a thumbs up, and then leaves the house and gets in the getaway van, which is being driven by Balls Lameman. He dials 911, and then gives Balls the lucky hula girl bobble head Balls had left behind when he moved out, which Woody found in the office.

P1 finally gets into the basement, and takes a quick notice of all the pipes. He knocks on the hatch at the top, and Zero opens it. Zero pulls P1 through it, and they find themselves in the living room. Zero pulls a lighter out of his pocket, and gives it to P1.

P1 ignites the lighter, and Zero holds open the basement hatch. P1 looks down quickly, and drops the lit lighter right next to the gas pipe. He and Zero run out the door, and a middle aged woman walks down the stairs just in time to catch P1 and Zero almost out the door.

Woman: Who the fuck are you two?!

P1 and Zero don’t hear her, and jump in the getaway van, which Balls drives off as the house explodes dramatically.

Woody turns back to P1 and Zero, who are cheering and clapping.

Woody: You two made sure nobody was home, right?

P1 gives Woody a confused look, and then Balls interjects.

Balls: Woody, I have to be honest with you. I picked this day, uh, specifically because my ex-wife was home without the kids.

Woody looks at Balls disgusted, and slaps him across the face.

P1: Wait… so we just killed a person?

P1 looks at Zero, and then at Woody. The three sigh as Balls drives right into a McDonald’s drive through.

Balls: Any of you guys have money I can borrow?