What's the point?

My chest feels so heavy and I feel so lonely and hopeless right now. It seems like the world has just fallen apart.

I just changed jobs and got my first apartment in the beginning of the year and everything was looking really hopefully. Then covid happened. I lost my job and when I filed for unemployment I got denied because I made too little.

Eventually the government passed the cares act and I qualified but I didn't see any money for a month and a half. I only survived because of my tax refund and because family and my roommates friends gave us free food.

Once I started getting unemployment I started feeling more hopeful. I was getting the bare minimum amount of money bit it was still double what I made working.

But now that everything is opening back up my job is trying to fire people without actually firing us so they can stop out unemployment. Today with only a few hours notice they posted a threat on the restaurants employee facebook group. They said who ever doesn't call by 5pm was fired and would be off unemployment.

They had called me this morning but I missed it but when I called them back and told them why I was calling they put me on hold for so long I gave up. I was planning on calling them back when they were less busy. Once I saw this post I immediately called them but the call got disconnected in the middle of talking to my manager when he brought up availability. I immediately called back and the same thing happen.

I was so angry. My phone seemed to work just fine before that. There phone seemed crystal clear to me until I told them why I was calling too. So I drove over there to talk with them. I filled out their stupid availability sheets even though I told them I was completely free every time they had called before.

The manager I talked to looked so guilty and he asked about my second job. I reminded him that I left that job back in February. I don't know if I'm just paranoid or if I'm just stupidly trying to look for the best in people when it's not there.

But this isn't the first time they've called seeing of I was planning on coming hack.A week ago they called about my availability too and I told them I was completely free. They said the new schedule would be out today. Then they posted that threatening message.

I'm panicking right now. I have some savings because I put away the majority of the money I got from unemployment but it's not a lot.

I'm just so angry at myself for being tricked. I keep working for people and places that seem to care but really don't. I feel like an idiot.

On top of that I was already feeling like a failure for taking so long to graduate college. Hopefully I'll have a degree in biology by the end of this year, but in the back of my head I'm questioning if I'll actually be able to get a job with it.

The world world just seems like a cold, uncaring place right now and I don't think I'm strong enough to handle it. Most nights I lay in bed feeling completely alone, stupid and helpless. I feel like I'm going to lose the few things I struggled for.

I was working two jobs and going to school to try and save for this stupid apartment and now it feels like I'm going to lose it. I look at other people around me and they seem way more together than. I do. What's wrong with me? I feel like I'm a useless depressed mess who can't do anything. I've felt this way for a long time, but I felt like I was finally making progress and then all this happened.

And that's just this year. Last year was awful too. I just got out of a nearly 9 year relationship that turned abusive last year. He kicked me out with no notice so I got another job, worked 50 hours a week plus school so I could save money to rent my own place.

So what's the point? I keep trying and things keep falling apart.

Sorry about ranting. I'm just so upset and my spelling and grammar skills go out the window when I'm even a little upset.

Thank you if you ended up reading all of this.

TLDR: Lost my job due to the pandemic. My restaurant job is reopening but now it looks like they're looking for excuses to fire me and cut my unemployment.

Plus, life has been going terribly for the last two years in and I'm just tired.