Low point

So i have hit a bit of a low point, my pocd has become "manageable" meaning i have to see weather it works every day only once and not five times, but at the same time i have convinced myself its real and not a part of my sickness. and i dont know anytime i think of doing anything fun i think that im a monster and that i dont deserve it, i keep trying to check myself to see if it works and i keep telling myself thats a sing i like doing it. I have given up doing almost anything fun and i spend every night drinking with my antipsychosis drugs cause its the only thing that makes me feel better in any way. I dont know what to do.