Ending a relationship with a 9

Hi all, I really need some guidance.

I'm a male 5w4 (mbti INTP) who has been in a long term relationship with a female 9w1 (mbti INFP). We're both definitely in the unhealthy range, though it hasn't always been that way. But for years now, we've fallen into this dismal routine of laziness and apathy and basically shutting ourselves off from our creativity and happiness. For my part, I used to write a lot of music and journal constantly, I felt like I had so much to say and those activities brought me endless joy and meaning. I read a lot, loved learning, and had close friends. On her end, she has always been artistically talented, wrote lots of stories, had close friends, and was generally quite sociable.

All of that has stopped. We work, we come home and vent about our days, then watch TV and go to sleep. I used to loathe watching TV; at most it was something I did while eating dinner, then back to my hobbies. She sleeps a LOT, and has lost the drive to do anything productive. Her escape is alcohol. We were both pretty heavy drinkers years ago, but I stopped drinking three years ago now. I begged her to join me as I really wanted her support - I made it clear I wasn't asking for permanent change or anything, just a temporary thing to help me. She couldn't, or wouldn't, do it. All this time has passed and she still drinks alone most nights, outside and away from me, even though she knows I hate being around drunk people. She tells me in the morning that she won't drink; by 5pm she has a pack of PBR in hand. I've tried everything I can think of to "help." Offering to replace that time with something fun for both of us, trying to help her set easy goals to meet to gain a sense of momentum, offering to pay for counseling, etc. She says she wants to stop but I think she's just saying it to placate me.

Lately we've both been feeling like we're walking on eggshells around each other. We truly suck at communicating. When I do overcome my anxiety and bring up a difficult subject (like: how are we going to become happy again?) she shuts down and tells me she can't deal with that right now, or she cries and then gives me the silent treatment or mopes for days, and I end up feeling guilty. I do love her and have for a long time, but I now feel like as long as we're together we're going to suffer. At the same time, I know that she will be utterly devastated by my conclusions; she is a master of sweeping problems under the rug. She won't stand up for herself and even though I know she feels this tension like I do, I think she's waiting for me to be the one to speak truth and become the bad guy. We broke up once, years ago, and she claimed she never saw it coming and that I had blindsided her, though we were both deeply unhappy at that point as well.

I want her to acknowledge our problems, and I want her to tell me how she feels. I want her to stand up for herself and tell me she's unhappy. I understand that forcing a 9 into action can backfire, but I don't know what else to do to get her to take control of herself and accept some of the responsibility for her behavior, and for where we are as a couple.

A bit more info: she says she misses the city we used to live in. I hated living there and moved for a bunch of reasons. She moved with me. In retrospect, I should have been strong enough to tell her that if she had any doubts, she should stay. But at the time she seemed to want to leave as well. Another rift: we waited way too long to talk about having children. I've never expressed interest in it, but in my stupidity I never boldly said "deal-breaker. No." and now her biological clock is going off and again, I deeply desire for her to tell me what she needs in life. We rarely talk about it. She seems to believe that eventually, I'll change my tune. Neither one of us wants to face the music, but we have to. I just don't want to be alone in doing so. Whenever I bring this stuff up, I'm the only one talking - she shuts down. And I feel awful. Eventually we go back to "normal."

Please help me. I'm so tired of the stomach aches this causes me. If I need to be sharply criticized, I understand. I know I've mishandled this. But I need to figure this out. I want her to be happy. I want to be happy. If we break up, she has nowhere to go. No savings. No job (corona related). I need strength but I don't know how to find it. We both seem so stuck in our type's most awful habits. I'm trying to learn about myself and find grounding, but it's a long road.