Source
r/Divorce•
pilosh

Separation/Divorce Looming and it is soul crushing.

Mental Health/Depression/Loneliness

My wife and I are both mid 30's and have been together over a decade, married about half. I never intended to get married, I come from 4 divorces (each parent got remarried and divorced again) and knew it wasn't for me. I also never wanted children. Well then I met my current wife.

When we met it was a few years of absolute bliss. We never fought once, not even a single disagreement. How we managed this I'll never know, I think we have both changed significantly. After about 4 years we were on our second house (I bought both myself) and she would bring up engagement a lot. Well I also started drinking again (I had been clean many years, she has drank throughout) and was gaming non stop. She also moved in my MIL who was jobless and homeless which she did ask but she obviously knew I couldn't say no to her. Then one night after gaming all night I went to bed and her phone was lit up with a bunch of texts from some guy. I confronted her and she said while they did meet up they only kissed once and she instantly regretted it. (To this day I will never know if it was true) She blamed it on my gaming and ignoring her which was 100% true. I blamed myself too and bought a ring a couple months later and we were engaged, I thought it would fix everything. (Spoiler alert it doesn't)

We have some fights here and there but are getting back on track. I stopped playing games as I now play maybe once every few months, they are kind of ruined for me. We get married and a month later she is pregnant. It was a complete shock. We had assumed one or both of us was broken after years of being not careful at all.

We have a kid and I drank through her entire pregnancy. I am stressed beyond belief and she is too. Once our kid is around 3 and we fight nightly it seems I kick my MIL out. I can't take it and it surely isn't helping the situation. Then COVID hits and me and her are stuck together non stop, complete chaos. I am back at work now but we have had MAJOR fights that include more than yelling. The infidelity on her part has restarted as well and she never puts her phone down. We have tried to talk and have gone from Divorce talk to Separation talk to we can work it out and rinse repeat for months. It was the worst weekend of my life this weekend, which is a trend now. They keep getting worse.

I am so lost and hopeless. I love this woman more than life itself. I just want the old us back but we've both changed and are both scared to lose each other at the same time. I am at a complete loss and more depressed than I have ever been. It would be a complete nightmare to sell the house and go through all the legal stuff and both find apartments. The fear of starting over is crippling and topped with her no longer being my wife but simply my ex who I have to see constantly because of shared custody. The thought of her with someone else while I sit on my off weeks nightly staring at a blank wall wishing it could have been different sounds like a living hell.

Not sure what I am even asking, I just don't know what to do.

Posted Jul 6, 2020, 6:42 PM UTC

47
SarcasticMaiden•

Have you tried therapy? For both of you individually and together? From what you posted, you both have issues to work on and you can work together. Not everything that’s broken has to stay that way. Sometimes the fix is stronger than the original.

3
TheMoonIsMyWife•

"Not everything that's broken has to stay that way."

This. Thank you for saying this. I often get depressed browsing this sub and for obvious reasons, but it's nice to be reminded every once in awhile that when things go bad, they don't always stay bad. Some things are fixable if both parties will put the effort in. It's important to remember that. Op, I hope you and your partner are able to work through this

2
udonowho•

Drinking, cheating and physical fights. Just end it.

2
netquestioner•

Have you looked into why you keep looping back to drinking? It sounds like you both need to work out inner demons. I had been drinking quite a bit and when I look back on it maybe it was because I knew the relationship was failing but didn't want to admit it.

Both of you don't seem to want to end the relationship but you should backburner the asset portion (although important) and focus on what makes you want to stay and what doesn't.

2
[deleted]•

You wont stare at a blank wall. You will work, see friends, do hobbies, etc. You could start dating. Conversations with others will heal you. You deserve better.

2
frediyo175•

From the words you are using - you are clearly not ready to separate. I'm just reflecting you what I read from your words.

Not saying that it will work out but it does sound like more than few rocks have not been turned yet.

Divorcing when you have kids is a big deal regardless of what people might say. Not the end of the world true, but a big deal nevertheless.

Make sure you've done what you could. Sound like you both need to heal from past/childhood hurts.

Remember: only from a state of well being can you make good decisions.

1
stilltrying2run2•

To this day I will never know if it was true

It's never true. In fact, it can be much worse than what was told you because they could only admit that to themselves.

1