Reddit, how can I help my brother?

TL; DR – My 20 year old brother has been in and out of a toxic relationship with a controlling guy (of the same age) for over a year now. He will break up with this kid, then the kid will press and press until my brother takes him back. I would like advice in either helping my brother realize he doesn’t need this kid, or in telling the kid directly to stop messing with my brother’s emotions.

Hey Reddit,

I'm predominantly a f7u12er, but in my browsing of Reddit I found this section. I need some advice concerning not my relationship, but a relationship my brother is in. My bro is 20, I'm 22, and we both still live at home.

About a year and a half ago now my brother met a guy around his age where he works. He and this guy started hanging out a lot and eventually dating. For a while I thought the guy was alright. My brother would have him over and we'd all play video games together and what not, or they'd both be up in my brother's room. Everything was okay for a while, and I was happy that my brother seemed to be happy.

After a while, though, I began to notice that things were getting a little too serious between my brother and his boyfriend. I caught wind that he and his boyfriend had opened up a joint account together and were saving money for an apartment. This sent up a red flag for me -- they're both 20 years old, both live at home, and had been going out then for about 5 months. I tried to talk to my brother about it, but he merely expressed his excitement to me about moving out when he and his boyfriend had enough money. It got my mom upset when she found out -- she was worried (and still is) that my brother would wind up dropping out of school and going full time where he works to keep up with rent on an apartment (the kid he was dating worked maybe 15 hours a week at minimum wage).

Shortly after I found this out, I began to notice that my brother was on the phone -all the time- with this kid. My brother would have the phone to his ear, sitting there not talking. When I'd ask him what he was doing, he'd tell me 'I'm waiting for him to wake up.' I told him, 'Just hang up, he'll get over it and you can talk to him tomorrow'. My brother's response was 'No, he'll get mad at me.'

My brother would be up so late doing this that he'd be late for work when he had a morning shift, and it got to the point where his job was in danger because of it.

My brother also started staying out all the time. He used to be in most of the time. He likes working on computers and electronics, and he'd spend his free nights doing that. After a while of being with this kid he very near abandoned his computer stuff and was out all the time, which got my mother even more worried.

Eventually, my brother and his boyfriend had a huge fight over the money in the joint account they'd set up. As the account was in my brother's name, he took all the money out before his boyfriend could (the account was in my brother's name, but they each had an atm card linked to it as is my understanding).

When the kid found this out, he called the police to our house and walked to our house after he got off work (the store they work at is not far from where we live). We basically told him to go away and didn't answer the door. He began pounding at it, and eventually broke the screen door on our porch in to try to get into the house. He started banging on our wooden inner door and my mother called the police (after begging me not to go outside and tell the kid what for). The police came and told him to leave, and came in to talk to us. They informed my brother that what he did with the bank account was legal, and left after they made sure the kid was gone. My brother wound up putting half of the money back into the account, not wanting the kid to be without anything (my brother had deposited more than half of the money into it, but some of it was still the kid's money). After that, my brother assured us that he wasn't going to be involved with this kid anymore.

A short time later, though, things started up again. My brother was being harassed by the kid, who wanted him back. I figure it was because my brother would pay his way all the time when they went to eat or wherever. After a while of being harassed, my brother agreed to meet him to tell him to back off. I told my brother that it was not a good idea, that he should just ignore the kid, but my brother was intent on telling the kid face to face. He left at 6pm that night and didn't return till 7 the next morning. Needless to say he was back with the kid again.

My mother and I made it clear to my brother that the kid was not welcome at our house under any circumstances. My brother seemed to understand, and the police had told the kid to his face that he was not to return to our house. Eventually, the kid had a fight with his mother and got kicked out of his house. He went to stay at a motel near the store he and my brother work at, living on some money he had saved up. My brother went to stay with him, and after a couple of nights started paying his way again. My brother wound up staying away from home for a full week.

My mother and I had planned on driving out of town to see my sister for the day (she goes to college about two hours away from where we live). We asked my brother to come, but he said he couldn't. Said he had to stay with his boyfriend (still in the motel). We went out for the day, and while we were up there, I got a phone call from my brother. He said he would be at the hospital with his boyfriend. We left my sister that night and got home, figuring he'd left from the motel to the hospital. We got home and found the house trashed. Pictures were knocked from the walls, half-cooked pancakes were sitting on the stove, and there were pain-killers and water spilled all over the bathroom. It turns out that my brother and his boyfriend had run out of money for food, and he'd brought the kid back to out house while we were out to get something to eat. We cleaned up the house and went to the hospital to pick my brother up. The kid was nowhere to be seen when we got there, so we just picked my brother up and left. He told me that he'd brought the kid home for food, and the kid had seen that my brother had taken down some pictures of the two of them. He freaked out and threatened to swallow a bottle of pills. My brother told him to stop, but he began popping them. My brother called 911 and wrestled the pills from his hands, and the party moved to the hospital so to speak.

After that I tried talking with my brother yet again. He assured me that that was the last he'd be involved with this kid. This was toward the end of February.

After that, nobody around here heard about the kid for a while. Now, in the past few weeks, I've noticed that my brother's phone will light up and the kid's name will be on the caller ID. He's started staying out for days on end again, and I'm just waiting now for the next big fiasco. I've tried telling my brother that he doesn't need this kid. I keep trying to tell him that he won't wind up a forever alone, and that even better, he'll find someone who's actually worth his time.

What I think is happening is that this kid keeps harassing my brother into talking to him. I think my brother has it in him to get over this loser, but the fact that he is bombarded whenever they break up makes my brother start caring again, and gets him involved once more.

I want to either help my brother realize that he can do better, or tell the kid to stop bothering him. If I go and talk to the kid, I'll be starting trouble, and I don't want to do that. It's not that i'm scared of him -- not to toot my own horn, but I'm 6'9'' (205cm), 250 pounds (113kg), and currently training to join the state police academy when I graduate college. He's about 6'4'' (193cm), took karate when he was younger, but is heavy and out of shape now. I'm confident I could take him in a fight. But I'd rather avoid a fight altogether -- me getting into a brawl is the last thing I or my mother need right now. Yet, my brother doesn't seem to listen to me when I tell him he can do better.

Does anyone have any similar experience or insight? I feel helpless in this situation. Thanks a lot for reading.

(I want to make it -clear- that I don't have any ire toward my brother for being gay. While I may be straight, I don't have a problem with homosexuality -- and furthermore, he's my brother. It's the fact that this kid is messing with my brother's emotions that gets me upset.)