Reddit, how does perusing Facebook make you feel?

So I just spent the last two hours writing out what my experience is like on Facebook. I'd very much appreciate any feedback along with your personal experiences. I'm somewhat new to the community, so please let me know if I posted to the wrong subreddit. Thank you!!

I realize that on Facebook, we're very much connected to one another. We post status updates, check into venues, and upload pictures for our expanse network to scrutinize. It's somewhat of a new phenomenon given that online social networking was first introduced to the public in the early 2000s and has only really taken off in the past five years or so (I created my Facebook account in 2005). Lately, I've been more and more curious and conscious about the implications this new Facebook culture has manifested -- not so much on a societal standpoint, but how it affects me on a personal level.

Before I delve into my musings on what this all means, I want to preface this personal written account by saying that I am not, in any way, trying to take a moral high ground. Most articles that I've encountered that deal with the psychological and social impact of Facebook tend to chastise the narcissistic tendencies that Facebook users can sometimes exude. I am not trying to call anyone out -- these are 100% my own experiences. You may or may not relate to these points I'm about to make -- I'm not passing judgment if you do -- in fact, that only means you're just as delusional and crazy as I am. Instead, this is my attempt at a brutally honest account of what my experience on Facebook has been like, exposing myself in a way that makes me feel very uncomfortable. Even as I write this, I'm personally debating whether this will ever surface public light. I'll decide on that after I've written this note out in its entirety, which begs the question, "Why write this anyways?". Well I'm not entirely sure at this point, but I'll probably know once I'm finished writing it... and I guess in someways, that is the point.

"If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"

This quote always comes to mind when I check into a venue or post some festive group picture from my phone. I'm beginning to realize that the only reason why I engage in such activities is because I want others to know that my social life is exciting. Specifically, I want people to know that I have a wide network of friends in the real world that are willing to take the time to hang out with me -- dinner, drinks, whatever -- throughout the week. These check-ins and pictures vouch for my refined taste in the culinary arts and my expanse knowledge of all the trendy watering holes around the area. The more esoteric the venue, the better (when was the last time you saw me check-in to a McDonalds?). Sometimes I'm with other people who I deem as physically attractive. If I can take and post a picture of us, as a collective, I believe that their physical attractiveness will somehow translate into an increased publicly perceived value of myself. If I weren't to do any of these things, you might assume I had no friends -- even worse, you might not even think of me. And I want you to think of me. Every time I post anything, I'm reminding you that I exist. And above all, I want you to view my existence in a positive light.

"My social life is dependent on Facebook."

My social life would be drastically different without Facebook. Most major events (birthdays, celebrations, etc.) I've attended were disseminated through Facebook. If I did not have a presence on Facebook, would I still have received an invite? With the exception of a handful of my closest friends, probably not. In this case, Facebook, while an online platform, has a very real and tangible impact in my "real" world. This is why I scoff at anyone who tells me online social networking somehow disconnects us from reality and/or devalues human relationships. If I were to track the level of my "real world" social activity throughout the years against the level of Facebook activity I engage in, I'm sure there would be a strong positive correlation. So given that positive social interaction is something we all desire, engaging in a high level of effective Facebook activity could be said to help fulfill this basic human need. In essence, as Facebook becomes more widespread and prevalent in the lives of my fellow peers, the more dependent I find myself on Facebook as a means to connect these individuals.

"And so you're invited..."

Hosting a party or event can be a daunting experience. Funny enough, the most difficult part of it for me isn't hosting -- it's creating the Facebook event itself. Why is it difficult? Because my success ratio (# attending divided by # invited) can be interpreted as an indicator on how well I'm liked. And I desperately want to be liked. And so if I invite 100 friends and only have 3 confirmed after a week, well that makes me nervous. Why? Because I'm incredibly insecure. Last month, I had planned a birthday party last minute. It was nerve wracking. I was on the verge of cancelling the event until my sister talked me off the ledge, reassuring me it will be fine. She even went out of the way to personally message people who I had invited, asking them to RSVP. I had no idea she had done this until after the fact. When I learned about it, I was horrified -- immediately filled with this unbearable sinking feeling of anxiety. "Why did you do that?! That only makes me feel even more stupid," I said to her as I replayed in my head how others might perceive it. "Wow, Edward. Getting your big sister to do your dirty work?" My sister, only having the best intentions for me, was hurt after seeing how I reacted. Only then did I realize how warped my thinking had become. How much of a phony I really was -- and, in many ways, continue to be.

"I only hate you because I see me in you."

And so every now and then, I find updates on Facebook that irritate me. Updates that are obviously self-promotional. Pretentious. Arrogant. Douche bag. Attention whore. But then I came to the realization that I'm only irritated by these updates because I recognize that same ugly desire for attention within myself. Sure, I tend to be a little more subtle about it, but that's only because I'm more calculating than they are. Everything in my profile: the pictures I allow you to see to the status updates and comments I write are all calculated. It's like that film, Inception. I'm trying to implant an idea of who I am into your head -- except to be successful, you can't know that the I'm making this attempt -- the idea most originate from you. Otherwise, you'll find me as highly irritating because I'm "trying too hard" (I'm sure some of you already do -- which only means I need to step up my game...). I hate to use this horrible analogous cliche (because I want you to think that all my thoughts are fascinating and original), but Facebook sometimes feels like a chess game. You have to anticipate how other people view the board and make your moves accordingly. Of course, the real winners are those who don't play to begin with. I genuinely envy such people.

"Do you secretly envy me?"

I only ask because I secretly envy you. We don't know each other all that well, but I've sorted through your photos. I scrutinize your updates. I look at the profiles of the strangers who comment on your pages. You seem well-liked and, what I envy most, happily content. In fact, seeing you so damn content makes me increasingly discontent. Discontent with what I have... or, more likely, what I don't have. Nothing is ever enough. This is what personally troubles me most about Facebook. It invokes a deep yearning for something more. It reminds me that I'm not living in the moment... of my lack of friends or romantic interests... of all my inadequacies. When I see you check-in on a Friday night and I'm at home with nothing to do, my self-pity threat level climbs from orange to red. But I don't blame you -- in fact, it only encourages me to reciprocate. And so I follow suit and I, too, will check-in... post pictures... and the vicious cycle continues. Through experiencing this process, I'm starting to realize that those who seem to lead the most exciting and glamorous lives on Facebook are probably the most dissatisfied. And if, in reality, you're really content and happy as you look, then I secretly hate you.