Source
r/sex•
BlackMathNerd

How can I, as a very vanilla person, explore or broaden my sexuality?

So I'm 26M, and relatively new to sex, intimacy, relationships, dating, etc. For example, I only had my first date, kiss, and sexual experience with my first and only partner at 22. That relationship went on for 3 years and ended shortly after I turned 25.

So for about the past year or so, I've had no other sexual experiences because I only want it in a relationship, and don't like or want casual sex at all. I've masturbated of course, watched a lot of different porn, so I know how to get myself off and what not.

I've spent most of this past year though really thinking about myself sexually, what I desire sexually, and just my general thoughts and feelings about sex. I know I'm a fairly conservative or closed off person sex wise, and it takes me a while to get comfortable with someone for sex. I also know I'm super vanilla, and with my ex we didn't dabble much outside of it. Most I did was maybe hold her wrists down or slap her ass, which was what I was comfortable with. Introduced a vibrator to my partner to help her out with achieving orgasm since she couldn't cum with me fingering her and didn't like me going down on her. I'm fine with toys, my ex really wasn't. Rougher things than that, or delving into more kinks is not my thing. I'm never gonna judge people for kinks, but I just have a very strong intuition or sense of knowing if I'll be into something sexually, which kinks and fetishes I know I won't be.

My ex mentioned from time to time wanting to introduce another girl into the bedroom, or wanting me to get experience with another girl by myself, or doing things like bondage of varying levels, or more roughplay, etc. I'm not comfortable at all with any of these and know these are on my "absolutely not" list like any kink and fetish are. It's not even just a matter of comfort zone, I just don't like any of the activities and how'd they make me feel if I did them. I feel guilty for not really being kink and fetish friendly, but wanting to be sex positive.

One of my fears if I ever get into another relationship and become sexually intimate with my partner is being too vanilla for them, or not really open to exploring more things, because I have a negative reaction to them. I'm not in a relationship now, but I'm the sort of person that has to plan and think of these sorts of scenarios well before they happen.

I'm sure it's possible for people who are really vanilla to explore and broaden their sexual experiences in a way that makes them more comfortable. For those that are, how do you do it in your sex lives?

TL;DR - Very vanilla, how I do broaden my sex life without crossing my boundaries.

Posted Jul 16, 2020, 10:00 PM UTC

79
Lady_Sudeley•

Yeah strawbi has some really good thoughts here. What you're described sounds absolutely normal to me, and you can find a lover who respects and matches your sex drive and interests as you listed them here.

Let's see. Judging by how little I know about you, your comment makes you come across as a respectable, curious human being. You seem hesitant to have sex with strangers, and you don't want to show too much aggression in the bedroom, nor feel like you "control" another person( usually what people enjoy out of bondage). Sounds to me that you're looking for a very special person to share a very special moment with. That sounds lovely.

How would you feel if this special person gently put a blindfold over your eyes, and pleasured you or asked you to pleasure them with it on? Do you image sharing a bath with someone? Kissing them underwater (Sensory play)? If someone told you "Tell me how much you love me", would you feel powerless not to answer (submissive)? Would you have sex outside (Risk play)? You just have to think of these questions, and see how your body responds to them.

If, deep down, all you care about is finding a pretty partner and making love to them vanilla style that's fine! So many women would love to share such a genuine moment with you.

7
BlackMathNerdOP•

Hmm,.. I gave this some more thought.

How would you feel if this special person gently put a blindfold over your eyes, and pleasured you or asked you to pleasure them with it on?

Kind of uncomfortable at first. The thought of losing control or not having one of my senses kind of trips me up and gives me a lot of ear. I'd fear I'd not be able to please them and that sort of vulnerability is also concerning. I'd probably have to be talked through everything the first couple of times with a partner I really trust.

Do you image sharing a bath with someone? Kissing them underwater (Sensory play)?

I've done the former. Afraid of being underwater/drowning so haven't done that.

If someone told you "Tell me how much you love me", would you feel powerless not to answer (submissive)?

I'm positive I'm not submissive. Doesn't make me feel good.

Would you have sex outside (Risk play)?

Did it once. Not again.

2
lucytiger•

I got my boyfriend a prostate toy that was basically a curved butt plug for christmas one year. I wasn't sure he would ever use it as he had never experimented with anal penetration or prostate stimulation. But, just a couple hours after he'd gone home he texted me something along the lines of "WOW." We use it during sex sometimes and I love it because I can see how intensely pleasurable it is for him. I like anal penetration too. It could be fun for you to try because it's taboo but there are so many "levels" of anal play and you can see if you like it during masturbation first so that you're more comfortable pushing your boundaries with a partner.

4
BlackMathNerdOP•

Yeah. Anal play is one of those things I thought about and then very quickly I knew I would never want anything in or around my ass at all, so I just struck it out immediately.

1
lucytiger•

That's what my boyfriend used to think too, but that's totally fair. In terms of expanding your sexual horizons you definitely want to pursue ideas that intrigue you even if they make you a little nervous or intimidated. If anal isn't intriguing, then it's not worth pursuing

2
strawbi-rrry•

I’m not entirely sure if my advice will help or not but let’s see. I personally used to be asexual and not quite sex averse but I wasn’t interested in it. Over the years I was with some people and gained experience and confidence and well, now I’m a kinky fuck in all honesty. Sexuality is so different for everyone and everyone experiences it differently. It helps to know what you’re into and not into for sure. Sadly it is always possible that you will get with someone who is not vanilla and it can cause issues, but if it’s something you can’t work through then the relationship was never meant to be in the first place. The two ways I’d recommend trying to explore more would be through either porn or more experience really. Maybe browse some fetish subreddits, or browse pornhub, see if anything remotely intrigues you. If not, no biggie, different strokes for different folks. Or if/when you meet someone new and begin to get intimate and after getting comfortable with each other, you can begin discussing exploring different things. If it’s a hard no for you on anything, again no biggie, just skip it. But if there is anything that catches your eye or interests you, bring up the idea of giving it a try. Sexuality, I find, is sort of a trial and error deal. There’s no shame in being vanilla af or kinky af, everyone’s different 🤷🏼‍♀️

And for the record, you can be sex positive but also be a vanilla person. Sex positivity is all about being respectful of others sexuality and doesn’t mean you need to be super sexual. Basically, just don’t kink shame and all is good!

3
throwawayindatrashfu•

Explore slowly!

1
justaguy2004•

Kinks are always a balancing act. You should never do anything you absolutely hate, but on others you have to be willing to compromise sometimes. My girlfriend and I have the same taste in the kinks that cause big problems in relationships, particularly other people. That is a hard no for both of us. She is into a couple of sex acts that are just meh for me. Honestly, if I never did those again for the rest of my life, I would be Ok with it. But, watching her get all revved up and listening to her moaning with pleasure really turns me on, so I am perfectly willing to do them a couple of times a week. Knowing that I gave her 2 or 3 orgasms in a row is a very satisfying feeling. And of course when I make her that happy, she makes sure to take care of me.

On the flip side, there are a couple of things that I really like that she is just so-so about. But she really likes driving me crazy, so she does them. And because she makes me happy, I make sure to take care of her. So as long as you are not totally disgusted by something, try it once or twice, and see if it makes her really happy. if it makes her happy enough, you might like it just for that reason!

Good luck.

1
kimberly1774pearl•

You want to change your sexuality and desires based on the fear they won't be accepted. I don't think that's healthy. Changing yourself for others is bad in general, but doing that with your sexuality seems especially off.

Don't try to change your sexuality/preferences for the possibility of ending up with a woman who's kinky.

Focus on finding a woman you have sexual chemistry with, who's (at least mostly) into the same stuff as you are. Being kinky is in no means a requirement for satisfying sex!

1