Sex and a man’s attitude and character, what is my role to play?

I have written this before, in letters, texts... my biggest weakness in my relationship is probably the flood of information I provide for my partner. I am one of those partners that values words in accordance with their actions and am guilty of using words to manipulate unintentionally, to burden, to over-emphasize, and most certainly exhaust.

My partner is the opposite. She is a kind and genuine personality that in moments of confrontation finds it difficult to find the right words. She certainly finds some words, many times words meant to shut down the other participant, but I’ve always understood that my excess of profound explanation puts her, someone of few words, in a really uncomfortable spot sometimes.

Now, this is a board about sex. So let’s go there.

The problem: I feel too confined to a stereotypical male domination role. I need to take sex, be happy when I get it, even-keeled when I don’t, and host to a desire to conquer and not a desire to be conquered. The problem is, I am really sensitive to a lot of sex-related give-and-take scenarios. I value highly the pleasure I can provide, the sounds I can evoke, the enjoyment of my partner. When I finish too soon, I feel legitimately guilty and will always ask to give her oral sex until she too can finish.

However, I am also very sensitive to feeling like sex should not be a favor, and tune in very acutely to statements like “Okay, I guess we can have sex” and ”are you expecting to have sex tonight?” and little statements that read to me like someone is gauging whether or not I am going to be a mood-man-baby if I don’t get laid. And I agree, I can be a bit of a baby sometimes, getting rejected sucks, but it sucks more because I live by the mantra that when my woman wants to have sex, I will drop absolutely anything and everything... A video game, fuck that, let’s do it. A phone call, “I gotta go!” So, in some ways, I myself, have played into this role of sex lackey. The heart of the problem being, I just don’t feel like she ever really wants me.

Our sex is good, but it has not evolved over 7 years. She is victim to routine, timing, cleanliness, and I feel I’ve done well to respect those needs, but they have really put our sex-life into a tiny little box. Experimentation with new things, actions, are “gross” to her and while I respect that, I readily admit that your girlfriend not being open to doing new things 2 years in is a lesson in understanding, but 7 years in, it’s down-right dreary; especially in the midst of a dead-bedroom.

I am just very tired of engaging in sex via conversations like “Can we spend time together tonight?”, “Oh you’re over-full?”, ”Okay, maybe tomorrow night.” It’s a mundane negotiation where I always feel like the neighbor asking for a pint of sugar.

Any conversation that addresses the issue of me feeling like I’m just waiting to get my ticket punched is met with a very defensive posture filled with the multitudes of “Women are different than Men” and “It’s okay if sex is a favor” and while both of these are absolutely true, ”feeling wanted” is a real need; the fact that explaining it feels like explaining rocket-science tells me about all I need to know.

Unfortunately, this woman is my best friend, I adore her. I love her to bits. Physically, she is the ideal attractive woman for me, all the things I have discovered I love about a woman’s body and movement over 35 years, I find in her- so I would be remiss to walk away from this simply because I have a difficult time accepting that while I wasn’t raised to be the course, raspy-voiced, brute who excites his girlfriend with a slap to the ass and a confident “Let’s get it on!”, it seems to be the role that I need to be happy playing. I, in seven years, have not once gotten the “I NEED YOU NOW”, or the “That’s not my thing, but for you, let’s go” which I guess I kinda value.

A part of me wishes I could just switch my brain and be that guy who values being good in bed, but also pays little mind to the passive-avoidance commentary, and plays more dominantly into The role of a man who want’s to have sex and is not burdened by silly questions like “Does she like it?”, “Am I making her happy enough?”, ”What do I do when she never initiates?!”. I am not at all confused by the fact that a lot of men and women really love that in their partner- who wants a dude who is needy and frustrated by lack of mirrored expression.

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Yikes, that was a lot. Thanks for reading.