Source
r/Fire•
MayCaesar

Moral dilemma: living off friends' kindness

Hi everyone,

After a series of bad financial decisions (before I even heard of FIRE, let alone decided to follow it), I decided to pay off my debts almost by any means necessary and start saving money fanatically. I am currently approximately $30k in debt, with a ~$2.5k monthly net income, in grad school. I am an extremely frugal person now, but I was not 2 years ago when I got myself into this mess. The debt is spread across the car loan, personal loan, credit cards and the money I owe to my mother; no student loans.

Here is the situation. I am currently living at my family friends' house who are thrilled to have me. While living here, my savings rate (or, rather, the debt payoff rate) is nearly 100% - I only pay for some food for myself, gas and car insurance. The friends pay for everything housing-wise, do not charge me any rent and refuse to accept any food I offer to buy for them or any housekeeping assistance offers. They are incredibly kind people who do not want me to spend absolutely anything while living with them and, instead, pay off my debts as soon as possible.

I feel really bad free-riding on people's kindness like this. At the same time, I do need all the help I can get if I want to pay off the debt as soon as possible (hopefully by the end of 2021). Considering their resistance to any help I could offer, even with basic things like groceries, I do not want to push the issue too much - after all, their house, their rules. But it still does not feel right; I feel obliged to return the favor somehow.

Should I just let it go, or should I insist on some kind of compensation for hosting me here?

Posted Aug 16, 2020, 10:42 PM UTC

54
myblobosphere•

Based on how you wrote this post, it sounds like your friends are well aware of your position and if they are really trying to be helpful giving them money can be counterproductive and potentially insulting. There is some interesting research by Dan Ariely that indicated people on average would rather do something for free than be compensated below what they think it’s worth. Instead, maybe identify a chore they hate doing and offer to perform the chore as a way of helping out. You could also offer to keep them up to date on your progress to being debt free etc. With all this being said, don’t overstay your welcome and always say thank you.

12
MINIDANGE•

I think if they won’t let you compensate them now, just remember it. They’re most likely not letting you because they understand your situation. I think they’d much prefer a gift from you when you’re back on your feet and better financially. Just to show you remember and you’re grateful yknow?

5
[deleted]•

If I was in your shoes I would take advantage of that and continue to show how grateful you are to them. After you get your fina. In order then I would make a kind gesture. Some people don’t look at money as gratification but instead they find it in helping others when they can. I think your success and journey will make them far more happier than food here and there.

Best wishes

3
Worldly_Expert_442•

If they are in a financial position to do what they are doing, I would accept the help. (Feeding one extra mouth isn't necessarily that much more if there are a few at home. Letting someone sleep over doesn't multiply their housing cost. Etc.) Personally, I wouldn't accept money or ask them to buy me specific personal things "Susie, can you get me shampoo, deodorant, and don't be cheap and get me the Walmart shampoo..." And I wouldn't be extravagant on my purchases/hobbies (which it sounds like you aren't.)

Don't be a slob, clean up after yourself, help out around the house where it won't be intrusive (bake something and clean up, etc.) but most importantly don't forget their kindness when you move out. A kind word, thank you, updates on your progress, and potential reciprocation down the road will probably mean something to them.

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