I feel these are relevant for BPD also (link to original in comments)
Posted Aug 25, 2020, 3:11 PM UTC
4535
Wow interesting. I’ve been saying myself for weeks since I left the home, “why hasn’t she hoovered me yet?”
I was waiting for some grand gesture to announce to me her intentions.. not because I want her back or anything but just to see if she would do it. Now I’m reading these and thinking to myself shit.. she has done literally all of those to me in like a 2 day period.
Thank you for this information
7
Yes hoovering is anything that provokes you to think about them, or get any kind of response to check you’re still there. Doesn’t have to be an essay trying to hook you back in.
5
I would usually just remind myself "any excuse, any excuse" but seeing them listed like this is invaluable. Because something as vague as "anything" can lose emphasis.
I'm glad you found it useful too.
3
Mine used to do the "accidental" all the time. It was really convenient that her phone would always text or call only me when she was crying or screaming in the middle of the night. She liked the "crisis" one as well. That one was great for adding extra guilt.
Ever since the smear campaign was cranked up to insane levels, there have been no more of these.
6
My ex has preferred backhanded, cowardly, proclamation, and crisis. They're smart enough to know what I'll respond to best, but it's not really working on me any more thanks to this sub
7
I'm sure that she used more than just those two. These two were just her preferred methods when it came to me.
2
Oof just realized my wife pulled the crisis one on me. She messaged me when she was in the hospital for lung issues a couple months ago. It was out of nowhere.
4
I'm 99% certain that she even wrecked her car once just to have a crisis to text me. It was just a fender bender, but the circumstances of it were very odd and suspicious. The other driver conveniently didn't want to give her their info even though they were the one hit. So many odd things over the years.
5
Mannnn when I first started dating my wife, I thought she might have intentionally drove off the off-ramp of the highway for attention. She was admitted to a hospital near my apartment and then stayed with me at my apartment for a few days. Crazy I’m remembering all the details now. We had sex a lot during that period and one time she had a “seizure” afterwards. I’m pretty sure she faked a seizure.
She drove off the same off-ramp twice.
4
My ex faked all kinds of medical issues. She had a couple of actual issues, but those just lent themselves to making the fake ones more real.
It can be really wild trying to figure out what was real and what wasn't. I try not to dwell on it much.
3
Backhanded is my exes hoover of choice, although a slight variant; ‘What you up to?’
She also used a sneaky triangulation: emailing me and a friend about arranging something for her upcoming birthday.
5
I've had the "third party contacting me", "acting concerned and heard you were sick", "how are you?", "Ephipany and change" as well as "you left stuff with me" and angry "you owe me a talk" and contacting my friends and family 🙈
5
Wow that's almost a whole set lol
3
Well he might not be done yet 🤪 who knows. One year anniversary of the breakup coming up soon...
2
Don’t forget the classic “Hope you’re doing good.” Similar to the how are you but got that one twice 😂 of course she hates me for hurting me now smh
5
Yep got one of those myself at the start of the pandemic ...
2
Wow. I was recently contacted by my ex after years. He claimed he had to mail me his support check (always deposits it) because of COVID (lied about the bank being closed) and now I am being friended and contacted by his relatives. He is married to my replacement (another BPD he met at therapy). The sudden friending and IMs were making me wonder. I thought it was my imagination but # 1 on this list made me reconsider. Yikes.
4
https://www.instagram.com/p/CESsnBwjC6m/?igshid=x6dkmuwkyfey
Original post from an Instagram dedicated to NPD abuse but as we are well aware, the two have a fair bit of overlap.
I know there are some here I'd fall for, and some I've seen referenced in posts by others.
Forewarned is forearmed.
3
It's missing the outrage - when they make an accusation toward you so you feel the need to defend yourself and bring you back into the drama.
3
[removed]
1
[removed]
1
Eh a lot of these are just ex things too. But yes, the breakup was coordinated with a third party over email during the most drawn out process with a range of emails to get a rise out of me. Once I didn't explode, what happened? She casually emailed me 10 days later with the object tactic. As though she didn't drop off, vengefully rage, broadcast her new love interest, get the third party involved because it was just so explosive (it wasn't), etc.
1
Just got the bait and ghost played on me two weeks ago...
She hit me up out of the blue because I haven't been talking to her for a while. She said we should do something soon, I was in a dumb mood so I told her to give me a time, place, and preferably at least a day of notice just in case I needed to move other plans around. She gave me a couple times that she said would have worked. I said ok.
Night one came, I texted, I called, no response. The next day, I texted, I called, nothing.
I guess she wanted me to blow up via text on her due to her actions, So I didn't respond.
Back to no talking, but no blocking or cutting ties either. Just grey rocking and spending time around friends who actually do give a damn about me instead.
I got a lot of the ol' bait'n'switch pre-NC. Wouldn't have gone as far as making plans that way but there was plenty of sending a text to make sure they still had my attention, then I'm left on *unread as long as possible, sometimes for days.
Grey rocking is our friend.
Sometimes It's literally just a test to see if you're still susceptible to their bullshit. If you respond, then they know and they can cash in later.
Sometimes the friendly invitation is just a ruse and their actual intention comes out later, like "I really miss you and want to hang out, we can [innocent sounding things that they know you'll respond positively to]... and maybe we can talk about [you spending a whole day helping them get something they want done/accomplished]"
In that case, if you refuse or don't sound too enthusiastic about their real ask, they'll just forget all about the innocent proposal they made at the start and ignore you completely as they find another sap who doesn't completely know who they're dealing with to go out of their way to help them with their bullshit.
Christ that's weird, it's the kind of thing I tell myself about them whenever I think back on the fucked-up communication.
Well. With one addendum: if I refused or didn't sound enthusiastic, that was an excuse for further devaluation/insults and abuse.
That hypersensitivity was wild.
Lol it felt like I needed to be a fucking happy go lucky clown who can only show positive emotion with my ex
Yep, that was my ex friends m/o as well. It became pathetically predictable, even to this day...
Whats even weirder is how just as I was reading your reply, my ex friend decided to send me a crisis text, "I really need to talk to you". This is after ignoring me for two weeks after I tried to follow up on plans she tried to make.
I told her no one is stopping her and she knows when I get off work.
Bitch was just checking you’re still there as a potential source.