Short piece of flash fiction, coming it at 235 words. Definitely one of the more provocative pieces posted here, with a main character as a abuse victim.

As you're trying to keep the word count down, I think you could do significantly better than " The metrostation smells like wet leaves and there are cockroaches stealing along the tiled walls. The heat is liquid even this late in the evening." I've never been at a station that smelt like wet leaves, cockroaches don't steal walls, what do you mean by heat is liquid. When you say "metrostation" I'm guessing you're not based in the US (we use subway station as the term). So that might be it. Either way though, since this is such a short piece, every adjective and metaphor has to count...I think with some more brainstorming you'll be able to find better descriptions.

That being said, I really like some of your descriptions:

heels are click-clacking

a game they bet their last money on.

Now to the doozy. The plot. I'm not a literary critic at the NYT but if I got it right the plot is

1. an unattractive girl in highly sexualized attire goes in to the subway and is oggled by 3 old men

2. she looks at poster advertising, one is marked out in black pen to dump your boy friend

3. the story reveals that she has a black eye, covered by makeup

4. they all exit the subway

Now I'm leading to believe that the girl is actually got the black eye from her boyfriend?

It's sort of confusing. As I write this, there's one other critic here, and he/she says you "sexualized a abuse victim to use as soft core porn".

I'm not sure if I got your story right but if you keep it like it is it's going to go over a lot of people's heads. It'll be advantageous to find a way to be less subtle.

Also, I think you could do something funny with the 3 old guys. Maybe they make some creepy comment as she's quickly walking away from the subway. Is your flash fiction about the predatory nature of man vs women? After all, in the tunnel when the train was turning tight they all huddle together and she unclasped her bra.

Either way I'm genuinely curious, what is the correct interpretation of your story?

This isn't really a critique, but I find the other comment to be an example of someone who has eaten a banana—skin and all—and has allowed the skin's bitterness to have canceled out the sweetness within.

My Interpretation

Obviously, I don't anything for sure—the reader is left to make manifold assumptions, and to hyperfocus on a decidedly negative (and bad-faith) interpretation to the exclusion of all else would be disingenuous. Thus, I will be operating under the good-faith assumption that the intention was not to sexualize domestic abuse or gentrify the perverted nature of the old men.

Darling

There are reasons to believe that the MC has given herself that name. One rationale is that she has done so to distance herself from her real life, which she possibly despises (in-part or wholly due to the implied domestic abuse), and she also uses her clothing and makeup as disguises to crystallize the separation. In essence, "Darling" is a safe character whom the MC can hide under to feel a sense of control, garner the attraction of others, etc. This would be a nice way to subvert the "aptly-named prostitute" trope, rather than being a Mary Sue hooker. The character is thus given a lot more depth than what is superficially seen.

The setting helps enforce Darling's embrace of the prostitute guise, namely that some grungy old train station late at night with cockroaches scuttling about would be where one might expect a "low-tier" prostitute to reside while working, though Darling has given no indication that she is in search of customers. The three old men help reinforce the safety that Darling feels when in her disguise, through her acknowledgement and subsequent disregard of their attention—they're not there to create a perverted fantasy, but instead are there to show the extent of Darling's confidence as this persona. And in the final paragraph, Darling is able to outpace—ie. transcend—the feeble speed of the men with fast, confident strides.

An Alternative Interpretation of the Old Men

The old men could also represent Darling's boyfriend, and through her newfound confidence and outpacing of the anchor she is able to reinvent herself—not necessarily as "Darling," but she can at least remove herself of the major problems within her life and start anew, as illustrated by the temporal shift from beginning to end.

Overall Thoughts

Look, I thought it was pretty damn great, regardless of the intended interpretation (if there was one). Through 235 words, to me you were able to construct a compelling and deep character who is in the midst of transitioning from a shitty life to a better one. I'd love to read more about Darling and I'm extremely curious to see where she's at shortly after this scene.

I like it.

1. I like the level of ambiguity. You don't know exactly what it's about, but it's interesting enough to hook you in and give you a good idea of what's happening. I thought it was about prostitution actually, given the old men.
2. The language is incredibly evocative. The descriptions of all the bright colors on her face work really well to make the story pop. I wouldn't use maroon though. The word doesn't really invoke anything in your mind singe most people don't use it to describe things. Bright blonde makes me think of an ugly neon yellow, but maroon lipstick doesn't invoke any sort of weird imagery
3. The sexualization is used tastefully in the sense that it's clear that it's the old men sexualizing her and not the narrator, and it's never obvious. The part about the black eye is effective in making it impossible to have proper dirty thoughts about her.
4. Some sentences are awkward. Cockroaches do not "steal" along walls. The line "night has come" confuses me since I thought it was already night time. Nobody bets their "last money", because that's not an expression.
5. The descriptions perfectly capture a disturbing feeling in certain cases. The clicking of the heels being described makes me imagine that being the only sound. The "hesitant flickering" and empty station gives off a dirty dingy feeling.
6. I love how you can just tell it's a big city even though you never said it. It's just clear to anyone reading it, by the manner it's described.

Not much of a critique since it is very short, but a couple things I like to point out.

1. It took me a couple reads to finally get "the heat is liquid" meant it's really humid out. You may want to edit some of your descriptions so readers aren't confused the first time they approach the sentence.

2. This reads like I'm watching a scene in a movie and you're describing what is happening. What I mean by that is the POV is very distant from the scene. "Heels are click-clacking," "let their eyes fall on her," "The heat is teasing." I felt pretty disconnected with the characters, even though I don't really mind but that also means there's a lot of varying interpretations from good to bad.

You should try and make your readers feel like they're in the world you've created. That means get closer to your character, reveal a bit how they see the world in their eyes, make us feel like we were there. Do that, and you may get readers to connect with your story that they'll be wanting to look forward to what happens next.

Hey there. Just a quick comment here.

The other critiques in this post represent some very favourable interpretations and some very unfavourable. My own reading of this was to err toward positive but also to question the point of it a little. It might function well in a larger story but on it's own doesn't seem very meaningful and this perhaps lends itself to being perceived as offensive. I'd suggest if you plan to rework this to use the good interpretations to fine tune the piece toward its higher potential while using the bad interpretations to help steer you a little more out of triggerville.

A few notes - I understood stealing and liquid heat but thought wet leaves was out of place.

The men "letting" their gaze do something breaks your POV in my opinion.

Three old men each so frail they were on walking sticks riding the metro struck me as jarringly comical.

[deleted]