Source
r/depression_partners•
LoquaciousFox

My long term relationship might be over

Venting

So glad this sub exists, I'm new and this is my first post. I'm struggling badly right now.

This is going to be long.

We've been together nearly 20 years, we're both close to 40. I've stood by them through addiction, recovery, sobriety, bereavement, and a whole host of issues alongside the depression.

Their issues all stem from an emotionally and verbally abusive, manipulative, narcissist tyrant of a parent, and even though my partner is nearly 40, the parent's impact is as deeply felt as ever.

Some weeks ago their mental health reached crisis point and I wound up calling an ambulance because they'd taken an overdose.

Some weeks prior to that, I'd tried flagging with them that I could see their mental health was suffering again, and they simply got angry and defensive and fought with me over what I can only assume was my audacity to think they needed some help and support.

Since the OD, they've had a break from work to go to counselling and try and recover. They've read some books and gotten exercise and (I hope) they're trying to finally, and for the first time, really unpack the issues their abusive parent left them with.

It's been tough. As so many of us here know, part of the depression is the isolation. My partner chooses it, chooses to withdraw into themselves, and for the past 6 weeks or so I've basically been living with an uninterested, near-silent roommate. Their new meds have killed their sex drive, which I don't mind as much, but apparently it's killed any need for affection too. I'm lonely af. But I didn't want to push them into anything they weren't ready for. We've been here before (although it's never been this bad) I can wait.

Well. I thought I could.

Yesterday, I could hear them upstairs on the phone, not the words, but the tone. It sounded like they were talking to someone from work. Yknow how it is, if someone doesn't know the story, you pretend and put on a happy face just to get through the phonecall without raising suspicion or getting awkward questions? I was watching a movie. So I could hear their cheerfulness and brevity through a closed door, another floor, and Netflix. That's how high energy the call was.

It wasn't someone from work.

It was their abuser. Up til the OD, they'd been no-contact for their health. They broke NC to tell their parent what happened, when they got home from hospital. Now they seem to be granting them a renewed relationship, in spite of everything that came before. And now it seems that narc is more entitled to cheerfulness and chat and effort than I am.

I am indescribably hurt and angry.

I've had to ask so many times over the years for my partner to remember I exist, to come back from the depression isolation and be present with me again. And this abuser gets handed that for free.

Since the OD, all I can think is: they've had so many opportunities to get help, to reach out. Their other parent and their sibling have both been in counselling or on medication at various times. The mental health conversation is always open. We have the money for therapy, which we've both been to several times over the years. They didn't even have to reach out: back a couple of months ago, I tried to flag it. I've been doing half the work for them.

It all feels like bullshit to me now.

It feels like my partner threw every bit of openness, caring, and support straight back in all our faces, actively pursued their most dangerous inclinations; substance abuse, isolation, work addiction, ego/arrogance; and is now kissing the ass of the person whose fault all of this literally is.

It feels like they wanted this more than they want health or happiness or love.

It feels like they want their abuser more than they want me, and it feels like my loneliness and pain over the last while, and my hypervigilance and incredible stress that night of the OD was utterly, utterly meaningless, while they chase this trigger.

My relationship might be over because I am so done.

If anyone has a different perspective, if I'm seeing this wrong or I need to look at it differently, I want to hear about it. Right now I'm very much caught up in my hurt, resentment, anger and rejection. I may not be thinking clearly.

Info:

  • I haven't had the conversation with my partner about their happy little chat with their abuser. When they got off the phone, I honestly couldn't speak. Also, as far as I'm concerned, they're still recovering from the crisis. If I started, I'm afraid i wouldn't be able to manage my feelings and I don't feel right unleashing all my hurt on them.

  • I've cautiously asked a couple of times if they still want to be with me, as it appears, through the silence and isolation, that they don't. They say they do. I now wonder if either of us wants this.

TL;DR: my depressed partner seems to be having a happier and more expressive relationship with their abusive NParent since their OD, than they have with me, their partner of nearly 20 years, who has been enduring quiet isolation in order to facilitate their recovery. I might be about to walk away.

Posted Aug 31, 2020, 7:36 AM UTC

1911
mushiimoo•

I would also put this in r/relationship_advice as you might get more responses there. I have a very difficult relationship with my mum and I've always sworn that when I move out I'm cutting her off, and yet whenever she finally shows some kind of kindness towards me I latch onto it and think there's some hope for our relationship. Growing up with an emotionally unavailable parent really leaves a hole inside of you that can't be filled and a lot of the traits that come from that are just us trying to fill that hole. I've only learnt this and started to come to terms with it because of my therapist. So I wouldn't be done just because she sounded happy on the phone. Yes it is worrying she's letting them back into her life, but she's probably excited that she's seeing some kind of positive reaction from them. Like I said any sort of kindness bestowed on us from our abusive parent we will roll around in and get some hope for a better future with them. However this is rarley what happens.

I would be very concerned with your partner but I would also talk to her about your concerns. Use "I feel" statements so she doesn't feel like your attacking her. Explain that you feel hurt and all you want is the same happy energetic conversation directed your way. You know what it is you want from your partner so I'm sure you will know what to say.

When emotions are high we're ready to just throw it in the bag and leave. I'd go somewhere you can calm down. Do something for yourself. And come back and have the talk with her and see where that goes. If you still feel the same way afterwards then maybe you should leave. It sounds like you've always put her before your own needs and at some point, you need to put yourself first for your own happiness.

Edit: for some reason my phone autocorrects put to out 😑

5
LoquaciousFoxOP•

This is sound advice: given your perspective as someone with an emotionally unavailable parent, that's invaluable to me and I appreciate it so much, no matter the fact that my partner is setting themselves up for a fall with their NParent, I guess it's easy for them to fall into that trap. In the future it's something that will have to be addressed.

You're right of course: Emotions are running ridiculously high since the OD and it's easy to fantasize about just cutting and running, but at the heart of it that's not at all what I want to do.

I need to sit on this until I speak to my own therapist (I have an appointment soon, thankfully) and I'll definitely take your advice regarding speaking to my partner from an "I feel" perspective.

Thank you for your response, it's really helpful.

5
mushiimoo•

Talking about it with your therapist is the right thing to do. They can give you the best advice moving forward. Nevertheless, I'm glad my advice was helpful and I truly hope you can sort this out with her. You deserve all the happiness together.

4
maafna•

I don't think your feelings can be wrong. You're done when you feel done.

4
[deleted]•

[deleted]

3
imsooutofideas•

I'm sorry you're going through this. I understand it must be very hard. Like the person above mentioned, relationships with abusive parents are very complicated. It's difficult to cut them off even when you know it's the best thing you can do for yourself. As for the talking and laughing, I know it must be really hard for you, but people with depression always put on that mask trying to appear 'fine'. Your spouse is comfortable with you and that's why you don't get the fake chirpy conversation. I know it seems unfair that someone else gets this happy side. Even if it's not authentic, it's what you've been hoping and waiting for. I guess all you can do is decide if you're willing to wait for them to genuinely get better. And if they've actually been trying to get better. Obviously there will be setbacks, but are they putting in the effort? I'm sorry I can't be of much help, but I guess I just wanted to let you know that your feelings are valid too, and it's very understandable how you are feeling right now. I hope you figure this out OP, good luck to you!

3
RandoUser81•

ugh, this is awful. while your story differs from mine in some ways, there are so many aspects that are familiar to me.

my spouse withdraws, but their depression manifests in sadness and rage. so while they're simmering in our office, i'm not only isolated, but anxious about unintentionally kicking off some kind of tense exchange. and like you, i'm missing the physical affection that i rarely get anymore.

while my spouse has struggled with depression over the many years we've been together, it's gotten much worse over the past several months due to compounding crises (the pandemic, mounting political issues in the US, racist killings, wildfires, etc.), but that means it's harder for me too! we can't even go outside because the air quality is dangerously bad.

while i bear the brunt of their depression, they'll occasionally have relatively normal interactions (over group texts, or during Netflix parties) with friends. i know putting on a happy face in certain situations is textbook behavior for someone with depression, but it still hurts. why does the person they love the most consistently get the worst side of them? (rhetorical) and while that hurts me, i'm hesitant to bring that up to them because i don't want to take away or taint some of the only positive interactions they have these days.

from what i've read on the internet and in forums like these, therapy and medication are the solutions most often recommended, but i can't say that's helping us at the moment. my partner has been seeing their therapist weekly for at least a year now, is on medication [that they take regularly] and participates in online Recovery Dharma meetings at least once a week. over the past several months, we've had good weeks and bad weeks, but the last two weeks have been really bad.

i have scheduled a session with my own therapist for this week and i'm hoping to be able to get some coping strategies. if nothing else, i hope to just be able to talk openly about this with someone else.

i'm sorry that nothing i've said is probably helpful to you, but i hope you feel a little less alone. i do.

2
LoquaciousFoxOP•

It's weird how similar our stories are, and all exacerbated, naturally enough, by what appears to be the gaddamn End of Times out there.

Actually i do feel a little less alone reading your comment, and I'm glad you do too.

I'm happy to hear you're going to see your own therapist. I've been back to mine since posting this, and it has helped me immensely, hopefully yours can too. It's difficult being the mentally well partner sometimes because it can feel like every little bit of space you might need to take up in the relationship is too much or too selfish.

It's especially tough when their issues directly impact us this way, because you're told time and again, in real life and online, that we're not to make their depression about us and we're not to take it personally, but how can we not when we're the ones bearing the brunt this way, 24/7?

It's a balance I struggle with, something my therapist has flagged with me, when (speaking from my resentment) I said something along the lines of "there's never any space for me in the relationship". She asked "is there? Or are you unwilling to take up that space?" She was not wrong.

I did have the conversation with my partner eventually. I had to because I was going to crack up if I didn't. For the first time since the OD they were able to hear me. I think their new counsellor is working wonders. (My partner is also on SSRIs, and has been for some time, just to point out. We are taking the two-pronged approach). They also insisted their god-awful parent just happened to catch them on a good day.

But definitely take that time for yourself with your own therapist. it might help you have the difficult chats too.

Our next step is relationship counselling, because our relationship will forever be "before the OD and after", so some things need to be cleared up, between their habitual choosing of terrible coping strategies and my unhealthy codependent-leaning caretaking tendencies. Do you think your partner would be open to that?

2
RandoUser81•

i'm feeling more optimistic about seeing my own therapist again after hearing that seeing yours has helped you. i'm wary of referring to myself as the "mentally well partner" because i do recognize i have my own issues. that's part of the problem here, since i do wonder if i actively cause some of our marital strife at times. i'm certainly not perfect. but...i do think it's fair to say that i'm marginally mentally wellER. ha. was that qualified enough?

as demonstrated by having gone no contact with my family almost 20 years ago, my modus operandi is to flee when my wellbeing is threatened. i am currently fighting that instinct, but wow it's hard. coincidentally, i did tell my partner yesterday that i believe we need to see a couples counsellor. their response was to balk at having to pay even more money for therapy (as you probably know, all of this costs a lot in the US). we're not poor, we can definitely afford it, but they're not thrilled about the prospect of spending more "blood and treasure" on therapy. that said, they agreed to it. i'm equally exasperated and relieved? ultimately, i know it's a good thing, but damn...how much more work is in store for us? an infinite amount? forever? or at least until the giant meteor puts us out of our misery? <fingers crossed>

you mentioned your partner's "new counsellor" is working wonders. did your partner switch counsellors, or did you mean new as in first? if there was a switch to a new counsellor, how did you determine that a switch needed to be made? i'm just trying to figure out if my spouse needs to reevaluate their therapist. there are so many variables, it's hard to determine which one needs to be tweaked.

have you already found a relationship counsellor?

2
LoquaciousFoxOP•

My partner was seeing one therapist on and off for a few years, and she was grand, but she had a peculiar attitude to meds number one, plus, my partner seemed to keep reaching these "plateaus" with her, where what they could accomplish seemed to taper off.

Not that that's inherently bad, but any time I heard this I was always like *broad chandler bing-like gesture, because even my unprofessional eye could see the parent issues were still rampant. My partner was on another of these therapy hiatus the last couple of years, so when the OD happened, it didn't occur to me to reach out to her. A close and trusted friend recommended this particular therapist right here in our town, and his approach is quite different.

Now, it could of course be that my partner is "inspired" as it were, by hitting rock bottom, and is more determined than ever to truly get to the root cause of their issues, but also the change of style and approach is definitely helping. Perhaps a change could be beneficial to your partner also? I know that might be difficult for them to face, starting from scratch with the life story is intimidating. But sometimes going over it afresh can help them view things in different ways.

We haven't found a relationship counsellor yet, but I'm hoping to get in touch with one via my own therapist soon.

Ah yes, I am vaguely familiar with exorbitant fees in your country, I really hope that doesn't impact you too badly.

Try and be gentle with yourself over the "cut and run" approach. Sometimes the very best thing you can do for yourself is to take some space, and as you say, your wellbeing feels threatened. If you're NC with your family, that's not for nothing. Sometimes it's the healthiest thing you can do. Remember it doesn't have to be forever, when it comes to your partner. Even just a little break, if you need it. Stay with a pal for a night or two, just to focus on yourself, indulge that instinctual need to flee, albeit temporarily? Just an idea.

As for the workload... yehhhh. Is it forever? Is this possibility of self harm always to be a worry? Will we always have to battle for attention from the very people we share lives and homes and beds with? Sometimes it seems..... discouraging.

2
RandoUser81•

Thanks for being so open and thoughtful with your responses. If you ever need to vent or commiserate with someone 1:1, please feel free to reach out directly.

2