r/OCPoetry•
ntibbs58

Letter 21

Do you remember that day in the park?

I lazed atop the hill with the tree,

listening to your voice and your Ukulele

blend into a melody I never heard before

but realized I wanted to hear again and again.

“A work in progress,” you confessed sheepishly.

The sun shone on your face so I could see you better.

.

Or what about that baseball game?

When officials botched a call, your eyes engulfed in fire

as you roared, “Where did they get that Umpire?”

I felt surprised that you, who so delicately sang before,

now sent out war cries across the stadium.

You seemed to enjoy yourself, though.

Your energy made me laugh. Your passion made me smile.

.

But senior year! You must remember that.

Our classes on statistics or femurs and the cranium,

or on economics or isotopes of Uranium.

We never shared so many classes before.

Baseball may have been where you let loose,

but school was a sport you played by the rules.

That is, except for when you let me copy an assignment or two.

.

What about when I changed my hair?

I wanted a new style and began to wonder what

would look nice when you recommended an Undercut.

They weren’t popular at school and I only saw a few before,

but she said, “You look good with anything. It’s your talent.”

I may or may not have blushed. And later at school,

I couldn’t tell if people were looking at my hair or at us holding hands.

.

I remember when, like a scene in a novella,

we ran through the rain sharing one Umbrella.

You and I never saw a storm like that before.

I remember getting soaked, shoes muddy from the grass,

and taking refuge in a nearby Underpass.

You wrapped yourself around me like never before.

I remember our kiss while waiting for the weather to disperse

as if we were the only ones in the Universe.

You gave a hug much tighter than before.

.

Do you remember? I do.

.

It’s okay if you don’t. I suppose my point is that

all those good things that happened to me

began with you.

... ... ...

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Posted Aug 31, 2020, 2:16 PM UTC · edited

26
Joe_Hatem•

This was one of the sweetest things I’ve read, it’s so innocent and makes me nostalgic for a bygone time. (Kinda “we’re going to be friends” by the white stripes vibes) your pattern of rhyming was very interesting too. I enjoyed this a ton!

3
ntibbs58OP•

Thank you very much for the comment! The idea of nostalgia did play a leading role in the poem; time spent together is still time spent together, so I tried to find nostalgia in the memorable as well as in the simple or even mundane. I'm glad that idea came across!

Thanks for reading!

2
LinesofStone•

this is a very good example of how to trust the reader. i think you did a disservice with yoU. switch it up to just u and now you've got a sweet little double entendre that makes the reader go "oooo" and go back and reread. you could always add more unique words starting with u to guide the reader a bit more, but i don't think that's necessary.

i think you could nix some lines that add too little or that are unnecessary. "but realized I wanted to hear again and again," "The sun shone on your face so I could see you better," "Your energy made me laugh. Your passion made me smile." for the end, i'd nix "those."

the reason i'd cut those things is they're too telling. we get the point when you say an assignment was copied, when the new music was played, when we see a shared umbrella. in the same vein, i'd probably snip the hug and kiss too. you can still get that point across without the obvious.

2
ntibbs58OP•

Noted. Thank you for your thoughts! Admittedly, the formatting of the final "you" was a last minute impulse addition, so I didn't fully understand at the time how it might take away from the moment. I just edited it out now.

I think will look over it once more in my spare time and provide some revisions.

Thank you very much for the critique! It was very insightful.

1
catinaredhouse2000•

I love the mix of playful and serious tones addressed. The majority of the poet is so light and happy that the final stanza is all the more impactful. I wasn’t expecting it to end on such a profound statement! The rhyming used was also very pleasant in my opinion, and brought an extra element to the piece as a whole. It made me feel like I was back in high school, living all these minor moments that changed my life. I think you did a great job of capturing the magic of small moments that are often forgotten in the big picture of life. Thanks for sharing!

2
ntibbs58OP•

Thank you so much for reading! I am glad that you enjoyed it and I appreciate your analysis of the piece. I am also happy you related to the poem in the way you did; it is gratifying to know my writing can speak to people like that.

Again, thank you for your thoughts!

1