Source
r/wemetonline•
BlackMathNerd

UPDATE: Why do I(26M) feel worse and more anxious after 2 dates with her (25F)?

Updates

Hi guys, so this didn't get a lot of traction, but I do have an update.

Original post

So, since this story posted, we had a few more dates. Kissed her for the first time on the 3rd date, which was really nice. Thought we were heading somewhere, as did she. It was a nice time at the museum and just sitting and talking at her place. Felt on top of the world then. Our 4th date was already pre-planned to be me showing her my new house I bought earlier this month.

So since then.. the next 2 weeks after the 3rd date communication was a little sparse. She was never a great texter but most of our texts were sporadic and late at night after she got done with work and doing other stuff. She is a pretty busy person, as am I but I always tried to be responsive and flexible. We also had another date planned if her initial plans with a friend didn't happen but it didn't occur. Which no worries, I was busy and had house stuff to do.

Then came the aforementioned, long awaited date this past weekend. We didn't text much this week because she was in office super busy on her work, and then was up in another state handling some other stuff. Light communication is fine. She still said she was excited to come over and see the place and be with me. I was excited to, put in extra effort in cleaning, furnishing my house with a couch and TV.

The date was fun. Fine. I had intentions of cooking dinner, and we decided on something together with what I had in my pantry (I cook a lot so groceries isn't an issue). Unintentionally, she ended up cooking the main meal as I was stuck trying to fix a broken door hinge on the lazy susan in my kitchen, so I was embarrassed. I did make the rice for the meal, and it turned out a little burnt, but she didn't mind. She still liked it and asked for the recipe. The food was very good. We just talked and had a good time and I felt a connection. After washing the dishes we decided to watch a movie and just be on my couch. I'm normally nervous for stuff like this, but I managed to hold her, give her a back massage/scratch and just be close. She appreciated it, but I knew something was up.

I was never going to expect or push for her staying over/being more intimate though we had long since had the talk about it. She had to leave afterwards anyway because she had a hiking trip planned with one of her best friends.

I asked about us/dating and future plans and how she felt about everything, because we had a history of being able to talk openly about this sort of stuff. And this is where it all went downhill.

So she mentioned she enjoyed the date, liked me, found me attractive and all, but she went into an explanation about the 7 types of greek love (we're both super nerds), and that she was still figuring out where eros and sexual/romantic love worked for her. To me, that reads as "she likes me and thinks I'm attractive, but doesn't have sexual attraction for me". Which is fine, and I knew how the rest of it would go.

She also explained about how dating was confusing and everything, and that she didn't really like online dating and that typically her previous experiences were from dating people in her friend circle, etc. She said she trusted me, but didn't feel safe doing online dating in general.

She admitted that her job as an analyst was stressing her out because she was doing work of multiple people and they were understaffed, and she just got tasked with more work. So she was stressed, overworked, not really happy. Her happy place was when she was driving back and forth from her other home in another state, with the music up and windows down. She also is a massive traveler, something I had hoped to share with her, and that not being able to travel due to pandemic and everything was rough on her.

All in all, she said that she couldn't be emotionally available enough to be the type of partner I needed and wanted. Which stung. It hurts like hell. 2 days later I'm still crying and it still hurts.

I had all those fears that this is how it would go, and they all came true. I told my therapist this and I took the plunge. I really do regret doing it.

But ultimately, I'm not mad or resentful at her. The entire time she was upfront and honest about everything and her feelings, and didn't play games. She just wasn't in the right space for her to feel right for dating/being with me, and that's ok.

It sucks, I'm in pain, and honestly this took so much out of me I don't want to date ever again and I'll stick with it. She's an awesome person though and over time I hope I can keep contact with her and just like actually be a friend. Really just ask her for recipe ideas and share shit news about our jobs.

But yep. That's it. No happy ending.

tl;dr: It didn't work out. She wasn't in the right space to date. And it was a case of me being into her more than her being to me. Didn't like me enough to continue. So oh well.

Posted Aug 31, 2020, 3:25 PM UTC

4120
Notyourtarget1224•

I’m going to be completely honest here. You sound like a catch. Really, and I mean this sincerely. You have your stuff together, you’re responsive, you’re empathetic and understanding.

It’s unfortunate that this one didn’t work out. I’m sure she’s a great person too. However, hang in there. Someone will want what you’re able to offer up and be a good match. It can take time, but when they show up all these almost matches don’t matter anymore.

9
BlackMathNerdOP•

Yeah she's a great person. No ill will or negative thoughts or feelings. It's just disheartening. To be open and vulnerable and to be rejected it hurts so much. I legit haven't cried like this in years. Not even when I broke up with my ex because she was an abusive piece of shit.

The heartbreak hurts, and I'm really not seeing why love is worth going through all this pain. I don't like it.

Thank you for the kind words.

7
Notyourtarget1224•

This anecdote may be unsolicited however it may help... when I met my boyfriend, he had been single for a decade. He’s smart, handsome, kind and has his stuff together. I bounced around that entire time between 3 relationships, one of which was very abusive (so I feel you there). Eventually, I met or rather met again my boyfriend.

I’d actually had a crush on him when I was 10. Didn’t realize it and just stumbled across a cute guy on bumble.

All this time he stayed single instead of settling. The weird thing is he wrote a description of his dream girl like 5 years before we met. He basically described me. He showed the Facebook post to me and said “it’s you!”

Sometimes people don’t end up in our lives for a reason. And that is so someone else who is better for us can be. I am so grateful every day that he wasn’t with someone else. I feel actually blessed to have him.

It will all be ok, you’re going to find someone amazing. PS Math nerds are the best. Whenever you do meet someone who is right, she is going to be very lucky. Sending mental hugs.

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BlackMathNerdOP•

Thank you. I’ll keep it this in mind. Thank you a lot.

6
devozai•

that's adorable and really amazing to read. i'm so happy for you! thank you so much for sharing x

2
Notyourtarget1224•

Any time! I’m happy it made someone else happy! I’ve definitely been in spots where I felt rock bottom and all I had was a tiny amount of hope that I could make my way to a better spot. Hope is an amazing thing. Once I fully committed to not settling for less than what I wanted in a relationship, I met him. It’s funny how that works!

2
AdmiralSassypants•

Sometimes you put yourself out there and it doesn’t pay off - no harm no foul. I won’t tell you how to live your life, but at 26 you have so much more of it ahead of you.. It seems a shame to swear off being romantically involved with others based on one bad experience, no?

It sucks a lot right now, and I totally get that but eventually you’ll start to feel better about it. Maybe, as you said, you two will develop a friendship that you can nurture.

3
BlackMathNerdOP•

I guess. It takes so much from me in effort and what not to date and it’s all so draining. And I’ve had multiple negative experiences before and this was my first foray back into it after an abusive 3 year relationship. But I felt super strongly over the 5 months we talked... and I just hurt so much. I’m really not certain I ever want to do it again.

2
AdmiralSassypants•

I’ve been in a similar place and felt how I think you must be feeling now, so I do empathize.

Now I’m engaged to the most amazing person and I never would have found them if I hadn’t kept my heart open to it. I recognize it can go both ways though - I wish you the best.

3
devozai•

i feel you man. super draining to not have the kind of reciprocation you want and need. keep fighting!! you may find yourself being grateful for this experience one day. x

2
birdhug•

Fuck. it really really sucks when you put yourself out there and it doesn’t work out how you hoped. its good you’re not resentful of her, but the main thing is that you don’t redirect those negative feelings at yourself. As in, thinking “she just wasn’t ready it’s not her fault” can give your brain the opportunity to fill in the blanks with “it was really my fault”. and that line of thinking is, i would argue, more harmful than being upset with her. (not that it has to be one or the other..)

Having gone through therapy and dealing w major anxiety/depression/self esteem issues, i feel for you. it’s really scary putting yourself out there despite your fears, and your fears coming true.

But look at it this way- you are alive! your worst fear came true and you are still here!! that is fucking huge. it’s a major step. there is nothing to regret because when you take risks like this, you’re simultaneously exercising the part of your brain that helps you take these risks. my therapist said that when you avoid the thing you are anxious about, your brain will go “phew! we avoided that danger” and you’ll feel better, temporarily. but you avoiding the “danger” only closes doors. you can’t do anything with closed doors

hopefully this makes sense. honestly, you sound really sweet and thoughtful just from your description of the night went and how you feel. sounds like you did everything right, she was just the wrong person. & i know it’s cliche but ultimately it comes down to time. let yourself cry and feel what you feel, but know that this is not a failure

3
BlackMathNerdOP•

I don’t feel alive really. I feel mostly dead inside.

I can’t think of it as anything but a failure. If the intended result isn’t achieved, then what do you call it?

2
birdhug•

Yeah man i hear you :( you can’t avoid pain in life unfortunately. and heartbreak is the worst kind of pain, honestly. especially when it’s fresh.

I wouldn’t call it a failure because this was a situation that was out of your hands. she is the one who walked away, not you.

the great thing about this is that it’s not the end. as much as you may not feel like it right now, you ARE alive. you may have “failed” to make this specific person your girlfriend, but you have succeeded in making space for the people who will love you for you.

2
BlackMathNerdOP•

I guess I don’t feel like it. It’s hard. Because I’m not sure I can make that space again when it takes so much in the first place.

I guess I’ll focus on healing but it feels so rough when there was so much I opened up about and it just feels like a gut punch.

2
birdhug•

yeah man. definitely take time to focus on healing. it’s gonna hurt for a while :( be kind to yourself

5
devozai•

maybe this is something that simply had to happen before something greater comes. let yourself feel the feels man, it's perfectly OK to. you're not a failure because you did what so many people fear to do - you put yourself out there and made yourself vulnerable and OPEN to the possibility of things working out more favorably. you took the chance and the jump and put everything you had into it - and that's AMAZING. SO many people don't dare to do that - but YOU did.

you're amazing. i want you to know that.

2
cyberbae•

Keep your head up, the pain is temporary. Remind yourself of the butterflies she gave you and imagine that same feeling, but now with someone who reciprocates. It’ll be worth it when you find the right partner. You’ll be able to look back and thank this girl for giving you a painful experience that makes you savor the beautiful memories all the better. Hang in there!

3
BlackMathNerdOP•

It’s hard you know. I’m not someone that really gains those feelings really easily and it takes me a long time to even develop them. So if I’m at that point with someone and it just ends and we get rejected it’s just painful.

And each time I get rejected it seems to take longer and longer so who knows... I just find it hard to believe

2
cyberbae•

It is painful, but don’t give up hope and persevere. I promise, life and people have a way of finding you in the most unlikely ways

2
LaszloTheFinestMind•

You seem like a very honest and empathetic person. Hang in there, I feel very identified with you because online dating sucks for people like us. I had an experience very similar to yours... but you should at least be thankful she was upfront about it, in my case she was hot and cold for weeks before I told her to meet up and she used it as a break up meeting. Thankfully I found someone who actually appreciates me later and so will you sooner or later.

1