ADHD teacher and dealing with emotions: mine and the students

EDIT: Title really should be "Teacher with ADHD and Dealing with Emotional Irregularity and Impostor Syndrome." It's not really about my students' emotions.

I am a fairly new teacher. This is the beginning of my 3rd year. As a teacher with ADHD, I find that my emotional imbalance and rejection sensitivity is off the charts. These last 2 years, have been some of the most emotionally draining years of my life. School was less than pleasant for me. I sometimes question why I even became a teacher. At first it was because I didn't know what else to do with a degree in English when I hated writing, but then I discovered that I love kids and helping them learn. As much as I love the kids, the rest of what makes up school is stressful as all get out and brings back a lot of my own schooling trauma.

I am not the most socially aware person. It is easier to understand what I should have done after I did what I shouldn't have. I make a lot of social mistakes and am, in general, an odd duck. I usually try to listen more than talk. But, there are times I am able to quell my self-doubt and negative talk only to get too hyper and go over-board. The negative-talk then says, "See. This is why it is better to not talk. People like you better when you don't say anything. You suck at teaching and you suck at being a person." A life-time of feeling stupid academically and a social pariah means I am super sensitive to rejection from co-workers and admin review. I try to breathe and re-frame, but some days it is harder than others.

During my first year of teaching, it took a bit but I managed to connect with some teachers at the first school I worked at, but then my district reshuffled and my temporary contract was let go. I bounced around subbing all last year. That was hard, very hard, but a good learning experience. This year I was offered a job at an alternative ed/credit recovery high school. It was one of the schools that I subbed a lot at.

I really liked the school and I thought I could connect with the kids and help them because I also had a a hard time with school. As a sub, I made mistakes with the kids, but I kept trying. I was not perfect, but I thought I had gotten better. This year, ... I thought I was doing fine. I thought I was finding a good balance between classroom management and being understanding. But then I was lectured by a counselor for enforcing the school's phone policy. A new policy I argued against, but one I was told that is a battle we are prepared to die on.

It seems this year, that I can't do anything right. I am too soft. I am too hard. I am too niave. It needs to be more rigorous. I am relying on the computer program too much. We have a computer program that we use for Distance Learning. Admin said we need direct instruction but should also incorporate the program in case we go Distance Learning. I am "teaching" Algebra 1, Pre-Algebra, Earth Science, Earth Science/Bio combo class, Elective, and Personal Growth. My degree is in English. My 2nd best subject is Social Science. I have been working hard at creating fun interactive lessons for my students. In bio/earth science we are getting out of the classroom and doing field journals as well as growing beans. Math is going ... well... it is going. I only have a 10 minute lesson in the beginning and then they use the Chromebook. I know how to solve the problems not how to teach them. I have been meeting with the regular math teacher to go over how to teach certain problems.

I am so tired. Not only am I an awkward duck, but I look like I was an A-student and never had a care in the world. I am tired of well-meaning peers and adults lecturing me on understanding trauma and students with learning differences before even asking me my own background. Or when well-meaning people lecturing me about being critical of the students' cell phone usage or swearing in class. The admin put in place that cell-phone usage, including listening to music, was a hill we are going to fight. I personally argued for allowing students to at least be able to listen to music when doing solo work, but was told cell-phone usage is cell-phone usage according to the admin. I get flack from the kids and well-meaning counselors on campus for enforcing the policy. I don't care if students cuss as long as they don't cuss out each other, but that is not what I was told to enforce.

I just.. I don't know. This is a weird post. I like teaching. I tell myself that every day, but everyday my entire emotional well-being can be either uplifted by a good-student or co-worker interaction or thrown down by a bad-student or co-worker interaction. I am tired of the emotional irregularity. I am tired of feeling like I am not good enough. I am tired of feeling like I either have to stop talking altogether or just be a social weirdo. I am tired of people assuming my history based on how I look. I am tired of having my hands tied and then being blamed and admonished for policies I did not create.

I am tired and stressed and I find that my own emotional sensitivity and emotional regulation are going haywire. All of what I just complained might not even be accurate! It is how I am feeling and perceiving events. Even the part about people making assumptions about who I am, I am taking more personally than I should. Everyone assumes something about someone else. The logical part of my brain continually tries to re-frame and chill out my emotions. But they are so raw.

If you are a teacher and have ADHD, how do you deal with this if you deal with this? Or perhaps you are not a teacher with ADHD but also struggle with this extreme emotional flux and impostor syndrome. Maybe your advice will be quit teaching. I have thought about it, especially since I still need one more year as the teacher of record and induction to even clear my credential. My current teaching job is only for a semester because of the uncertainty of Covid. As such, I can't be a part of an induction program. I am so tired.