Teacher with ADHD and Dealing with Emotional Irregularity and Imposter Syndrome_cross-posted from r/Teacher
Note: I originally posted this in r/Teacher but it was suggested by a commentator that I post it here to get more ADHD specific advice.
I am a fairly new teacher. This is the beginning of my 3rd year. As a teacher with ADHD, I find that my emotional imbalance and rejection sensitivity is off the charts. These last 2 years, have been some of the most emotionally draining years of my life. School was less than pleasant for me. I sometimes question why I even became a teacher. At first it was because I didn't know what else to do with a degree in English when I hated writing, but then I discovered that I love kids and helping them learn. As much as I love the kids, the rest of what makes up school is stressful as all get out and brings back a lot of my own schooling trauma.
I am not the most socially aware person. It is easier to understand what I should have done after I did what I shouldn't have. I make a lot of social mistakes and am, in general, an odd duck. I usually try to listen more than talk. But, there are times I am able to quell my self-doubt and negative talk only to get too hyper and go over-board. The negative-talk then says, "See. This is why it is better to not talk. People like you better when you don't say anything. You suck at teaching and you suck at being a person." A life-time of feeling stupid academically and a social pariah means I am super sensitive to rejection from co-workers and admin review. I try to breathe and re-frame, but some days it is harder than others.
During my first year of teaching, it took a bit but I managed to connect with some teachers at the first school I worked at, but then my district reshuffled and my temporary contract was let go. I bounced around subbing all last year. That was hard, very hard, but a good learning experience. This year I was offered a job at an alternative ed/credit recovery high school. It was one of the schools that I subbed a lot at.
I really liked the school and I thought I could connect with the kids and help them because I also had a a hard time with school. As a sub, I made mistakes with the kids, but I kept trying. I was not perfect, but I thought I had gotten better. This year, ... I thought I was doing fine. I thought I was finding a good balance between classroom management and being understanding. But then I was lectured by a counselor for enforcing the school's phone policy. A new policy I argued against, but one I was told that is a battle we are prepared to die on.
It seems this year, that I can't do anything right. I am too soft. I am too hard. I am too niave. It needs to be more rigorous. I am relying on the computer program too much. We have a computer program that we use for Distance Learning. Admin said we need direct instruction but should also incorporate the program in case we go Distance Learning. I am "teaching" Algebra 1, Pre-Algebra, Earth Science, Earth Science/Bio combo class, Elective, and Personal Growth. My degree is in English. My 2nd best subject is Social Science. I have been working hard at creating fun interactive lessons for my students. In bio/earth science we are getting out of the classroom and doing field journals as well as growing beans. Math is going ... well... it is going. I only have a 10 minute lesson in the beginning and then they use the Chromebook. I know how to solve the problems not how to teach them. I have been meeting with the regular math teacher to go over how to teach certain problems.
I am so tired. Not only am I an awkward duck, but I look like I was an A-student and never had a care in the world. I am tired of well-meaning peers and adults lecturing me on understanding trauma and students with learning differences before even asking me my own background. Or when well-meaning people lecturing me about being critical of the students' cell phone usage or swearing in class. The admin put in place that cell-phone usage, including listening to music, was a hill we are going to fight. I personally argued for allowing students to at least be able to listen to music when doing solo work, but was told cell-phone usage is cell-phone usage according to the admin. I get flack from the kids and well-meaning counselors on campus for enforcing the policy. I don't care if students cuss as long as they don't cuss out each other, but that is not what I was told to enforce.
I just.. I don't know. This is a weird post. I like teaching. I tell myself that every day, but everyday my entire emotional well-being can be either uplifted by a good-student or co-worker interaction or thrown down by a bad-student or co-worker interaction. I am tired of the emotional irregularity. I am tired of feeling like I am not good enough. I am tired of feeling like I either have to stop talking altogether or just be a social weirdo. I am tired of people assuming my history based on how I look. I am tired of having my hands tied and then being blamed and admonished for policies I did not create.
I am tired and stressed and I find that my own emotional sensitivity and emotional regulation are going haywire. All of what I just complained might not even be accurate! It is how I am feeling and perceiving events. Even the part about people making assumptions about who I am, I am taking more personally than I should. Everyone assumes something about someone else. The logical part of my brain continually tries to re-frame and chill out my emotions. But they are so raw.
If you are a teacher and have ADHD, how do you deal with this if you deal with this? Or perhaps you are not a teacher with ADHD but also struggle with this extreme emotional flux and impostor syndrome. Maybe your advice will be quit teaching. I have thought about it, especially since I still need one more year as the teacher of record and induction to even clear my credential. My current teaching job is only for a semester because of the uncertainty of Covid. As such, I can't be a part of an induction program. I am so tired.
Posted Sep 2, 2020, 6:08 AM UTC
[deleted]
I appreciate the pep-talk. It is comforting to hear that my ideas are good. It is also nice to hear that I am not the only one that sticks their foot in their mouth. There are times when I say something and people just give this look. Like they think I am smart or responsible and then I say something and it just fractures that positive image of me. Sometimes having a different brain feels like being a different species. As a teacher we are told to be understanding and differentiate for our students, but we do not often do that for our fellow teachers.
Thank you
I'm going to start by seconding basically all of this. Then add that you are a...third year-ish teacher? Which may well be the hardest of all. Just enough experience people aren't being overly understanding/accommodating, but not experienced enough to really feel like you've figured out your personal teaching style, let alone how to mash that into a school's particular culture and values.
Imposter Syndrome is real. I can't speak to when it goes away, if ever, because those feelings got super complicated for me as a went back and forth/combined between teaching and admin. But it's a legitimate feeling. By all means look into ways to maybe resolve/prevent imposter syndrome...But also consider the possibility of learning to embrace/find peace with it. Frankly, I think as long as we're trying to grow as people, putting ourselves in more challenging situations, we're going to experience some sense of that.
I can't speak to "Not being a social weirdo," because I also simply embraced that. Just 10 minutes ago I had an administrator at a new school say she thought that might actually contribute to my being a better teacher...and I think she might be right. You know what teens feel like? SOCIAL WERIDOS. I embrace that part of me, communicate it with confidence to my students, and live out being okay (or even loving) being a weirdo. If I didn't, my social anxiety would trap me entirely within my home. Maybe you'll be different! Maybe you'll rise above/beyond weirdo! Or maybe you'll eventually meet someone who's an even bigger weirdo! Find what works for you.
Being asked to teach outside your comfort and discipline is challenging (I've been there many times, including this year! I'm a maths person teaching English) but also a great opportunity for growth. If you knew you'd be teaching these classes, then you knew what you were signing up for. The math, and maybe science, is going to take more time to learn better how to explain it. The great thing is you don't have to be "the expert," but you could plan your 10 minute lesson to be more like "here's why this is important!," or look up and master a YouTube video example of an actual master teacher explaining the concept; copy it in your own notes, then replicate it to your students.
If you DIDN'T know you were going to teach this far outside your discipline, then still do your best, but consider having a frank discussion with the admins re: their expectations. They knew when they assigned you this that it was not your area of strength.
I try to always find the closest thing to an ally or mentor or coach I can find among the admin or veteran teachers of an organization. Whoever I feel most comfortable with (or least awkward with). I ask them a ZILLION questions. I ask their advice. I run ideas by them. I get suggestions. I discuss the more awkward discussions I had with other and ask their recommendations on how I could handle it differently next time. They are million unwritten "rules" of conduct, behavior, and culture at any organization, and I feel like that's double with school (basically the teacher version of "the hidden curriculum") , so get connected to someone who's already been at the school at least 3, preferably 5, years, who has that institutional knowledge and understanding of the best way to get accompished the things you're trying to accomplish.
So far as the phones for music, a few ideas:
Can you find something no student objects to to play in the room? I found my students (especially those with ADHD) LOVED the "Minecraft Calm" video on YouTube. I made keeping it playing a reward for good behavior.
Although phones are outlawed, can students bring dedicated mp3 players? (iPods, etc). Non-iPod brand players can be bought around $20-30 a pop.
What about Bluetooth ear buds to listen to their phone without interacting with it? (I often wore one of these at work without anyone noticing (especially if you get the cheaper single-bud kind in a color to try to match your skin tone). Even when monitoring tutoring/study hall, I had to set a "set your playlist at home then don't touch it any more" rule or students (especially with ADHD) spent more time skipping, repeating, and otherwise fiddling with their queue than working on school.
The students have devices right? I realize streaming music might overload the school bandwidth, but can students download a playlist to their school computer device and listen using that?
If music is the issue, can they wear corded noise-cancelling headphones not plugged into anything? It can definitely help, though YMMV.
Finally, what if any of these is an accommodation in a students IEP? I work primarily in private schools, which have different legal responsibilities to IEPs, but I believe nearly any school that gets state funds has a fairly firm requirement to meet all accommodations of an IEP. Now and then I've gently suggested to a parent "you might want to explore X accommodation at your next IEP meeting." But this is definitely easier to do once you're established; there is a definite risk that your contribution might come to light and earn someone else's wrath.
I've taught 12+ years with ADHD...But didn't realize it until 3 years ago. Teaching is HARD! Teaching with ADHD is HARDER! Oh, and teaching at new school during the pandemic? BRUTAL. But even though I could do other things for way more money, I keep doing this. I think my ADHD might kinda trap me in to it, because I need that true, authentic stimulation of the reward of making a difference in kids lives. Money alone just does not cut the mustard...jobs I was good and and made great money, I also found mind-numbingly boring and quit in under 3 years.
Every great teacher I've known had a time in their first 5 years when they absolutely wanted to quit. I actually gave my notice 5 months into my first year teaching. :) For many of the same reasons you cite here. The previous poster is correct: these are largely endemic to the field. Sometimes you can find a place that handles them better - seek out and stick to those places! But also adjust your expectations. Just like those wanting to be nurses, doctors, or social workers, we get into these fields because we want to help people (or specifically kids), and find ourselves in a massive, often crushing system that we did not intentionally sign up for. That's why not everyone's a super hero, like us. :D I personally suggest trying to give it a solid 4th year before considering leaving the profession, especially given your timing.
Some of it also gets better just as you stick around a single school and gain that institutional knowledge. Some of it gets better just as you gain more years of experience, period. If you feel a burning desire to do something else with your life, by all means! If you still don't feel a burning desire for teaching by year 5, probably go do something you mildly dislike that ISN'T shaping kids futures. :) But right now, you'd in the crucible. We all are, really, but you've got at least quadruple measure (1. Pandemic, 2. Newish teacher, 3. New to school, 4. ADHD). Be forgiving of yourself even when others aren't. That's probably still one of the hardest things for me. :) Given the current teacher shortages, as long as you show up, do your best, proactively seek help, and keep your head down until you have greater cred, , and don't do anything violent/incredibly inappropriate got just socially awkward), you should survive the year with your job intact. Reconsider then.
Or jump ship for greener seas! (May have mixed my idioms there).
Do what's best for you, forgive yourself, and take care of yourself.
And maybe consider teaching at small private schools in the future. Less money and protections, but way less bureaucracy. I feel like an actual human, even in the worst of conditions. Not for everyone by any means, but just a thought.