Source
r/OCPoetry•
potentially_evil

Butterflies

You said to me
let’s come back as birds
or bears
or maybe the butterflies
that used to sit in our stomachs
years ago
Let’s come back
and live another life together
under different skin
souls curled up
tucked in between different lungs
with different breaths
Let’s come back
and find each other again
new names
future days
Catching each other’s eyes from across
the universe
again
Let’s come back
you say to me
and I could cry just from the way you look
at me
A lifetime felt so long a lifetime ago
and now it’s there
looking back at me from the end of the
road
How long is a day when it’s the last?
Let’s come back
as the wind
or trees
or the garbage in the street
Let’s come back as anything
anything at all
please come back
with me
please come back
to me

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/ilhdq3/comment/g3sot3c?context=1

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/ilj90r/comment/g3smxnc?context=1

Posted Sep 3, 2020, 2:21 AM UTC · edited

68
justmadddy•

Wow 👏 I really loved the imagery you captured in here.

Let’s come back

I also loved the way you were repetitive with this line. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. Beautifully written.

2
potentially_evilOP•

Thanks!

1
nonsemprebene•

This made me think of a relationship that started out beautiful and magical but after some time turned dull and almost toxic, until the narrator finally loses their lover, sort of a “you don’t know what you have until it’s gone” and they blame themselves. This poem seems to say, “let’s start over,” but the undertone says, “it’s too late.” Overall really well done. I love the line “or the garbage in the street” because it shows the rawness of the narrator, longing to try again at any cost, even if it means being actual rubbish. Lovely work, thank you for sharing, it got me using my brain!

2
potentially_evilOP•

That is a great interpretation. I actually was more thinking of how love is so desperate at its core. How time feels so limited when you have someone else sharing it with you. “Coming back” was actually more literal in my thoughts. Like reincarnation.

I love your perspective though. I honestly hadn’t seen it that way and it’s neat how differently we interpret the written word. Thank you for your input! Very smart read!

1
LinesofStone•

content was very good without being overdone or trite. it's especially good near the end - returning as something romanticized or something discarded. either way, the only important thing is to be together.

formatting was just off in some places, though. i'd recommend nixing "again" from the solitary line, and moving "from the end of the" to the beginning of "road." i also think "and I could cry just from the way you look" is clumsy and can be reworked. and change the "say" before it to "said" to retain tense.

overall, though, this is enjoyable.

2
potentially_evilOP•

Thank you. I’m glad it didn’t come off too trite. Love is hard to write about without cliche in my experience so that’s a great compliment

Formatting is hard — on mobile especially. I think I messed up in some areas, but I agree whole heartedly with your input. I think the “again” being removed smooths the flow. I also appreciate you pointing out the tense. I didn’t even notice that! I may just omit that line about crying. It was an in the moment line (I try to write in a stream of consciousness for authenticity’s sake) and now it looks kind of wedged in.

I appreciate the thoughtful feedback!

1
georgialune•

Think you really capture the feeling of desperateness that people feel when trying to get back to a state of joy that has escaped them for whatever reason. 👏

2
potentially_evilOP•

Thanks!

1