Source
r/bipolar•
NotWithstandingNick

Going to talk to the doctor today

General

I think I might have bipolar. I have dramatic shifts in mood - one thing can make or ruin my entire day. I can't sleep at night sometimes because I'm too 'hyper' - people have described it as manic before. I also have episdoes where I get hyperfocused and paranoid. Then I have crashes of depression.

I have an over the phone doctor's appointment today to discuss my antidepressants. I want to bring up what seem like manic episodes too, but I'm scared. I'm a parent and I'm worried my kids will get automatically taken away if I get a diagnosis. I've never put the kids in any danger but they have seen me 'hyper' (they enjoy it because I get super physically energetic and happy, fortunately these episodes seem fairly mild?) and 'sad'. I try not to show the 'sadness' and if the oldest does notice I explain it as feeling poorly/ill.

I want to get an accurate diagnosis so that I can get treatment. Both my nan and my mum showed these symptoms (although a lot more severely than mine) and it messed me up as a kid. I don't want to pass that on to the next generation. But I also don't want to lose my kids - right now they're very young and I'm confident if I get the help now I can beat the cycle.

I'm just scared.

UPDATE: The doctor thinks it might be cyclothymia but has referred me to a specialist for a proper diagnosis.

Posted Sep 3, 2020, 8:56 AM UTC · edited

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1
fuggedabuddy•

What does paranoia mean to you? If you don’t mind me asking... ✌️

1
NotWithstandingNickOP•

I'll become convinced that something bad is happening or is going to happen, but with no rational evidence to back it up. So I'll get it into my head that my partner is cheating, or that something in the kitchen is going to malfunction and set on fire. Usually the paranoia only lasts a few hours tops before my rational side kicks in, and I'm fairly efficient at containing it without over indulging (for example I will talk to my partner about how I'm feeling but try not to accuse because I know it's irrational, or I'll go unplug the appliances we aren't using but I won't phone the firebrigade, etc).

1
fuggedabuddy•

I’m sorry you’re going through it. Paranoia is part of the psychosis in my diagnosis as well. Fear really is the lowest depth of human suffering. I tell people it feels like nausea, but you can never throw it all up. And then one morning you wake up and can’t even imagine what the pain feels like any longer. But that’s just me

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NotWithstandingNickOP•

I'm so sorry that happens to you.

I can relate. For me my episodes - depressed, manic or paranoid - feel like a bomb. It's going to go off, no matter what I do. I can choose to try to contain it with myself and take the full hit of the feelings or move away from the explosion so that it hurts me less but allow it to affect the others in my life too.

Obviously I have kids so I've been taking the full 'hit' and trying to deal with the explosion within myself. I feel like treatment could help me diffuse or at least weaken the bomb, and I'd be willing to do whatever that takes - therapy, meds etc.

I'm just scared of the stigma.

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