Struggling today

This weekend I hung out with a friend who's also a mutual friend with my ex. We actually spend a lot of time together so it's not usually a problem but this weekend my ex came up as a topic of conversation.

Friend wanted to check in with how I was doing, they know I've been having a rough time in other areas and that basically it's been a rough year.

Unfortunately that also meant my ex came up, and I heard a couple of things I wish I hadn't.

Seeing as my ex is not diagnosed, I don't bring up my suspicions with most people, particularly not someone who cares for both of us. So when Friend talks about them, it's like trying to talk about a non-disordered person and I actually find it jarring.

Friend said " 'ex's name' obviously had shit going on for them at that time, and unfortunately you bore the brunt of it, and it wasn't fair", regarding my ex's current relationship and the fact that they're finally sorting out their hovel of a house. Meaning they worked out that shit on me and the new supply is reaping the rewards.

I love my friend a whole lot, they're kind and loyal and I know they said it in support of me, but....It's been stuck in my craw ever since.

I know what everyone says here: we don't know what goes on behind closed doors, they don't get better (but they may get better at hiding behaviours), they'll do to the new person what they did to us, I do know all those things, logically and rationally.

But today it's like my heart doesn't know that, and it's weighing me down like a ton of bricks.

There aren't many reasons to doubt my armchair diagnosis but today I have doubts.

What if it was just me?

I wish I'd never met my ex. I'd give up that small, intense pocket of good to heal two years of bad.