[2242] To Have and to Hold
I'd really appreciate some general feedback on the opening chapter of my latest novel. The novel itself is about a perilous sequence of events brought on by a troubled man's continued intrusion on his estranged wife's new relationship. It is told from three alternating first-person narratives, and this first chapter is told from the troubled ex-husband's POV.
As well as general critiques and feedback, what I mainly want to know is how you think this works AS AN OPENING CHAPTER? Is it a mistake not revealing more of the plot? Do I reveal too much about the character? Not enough? Is the voice interesting? Would you want to read on?
All opinion and suggestions (please be as mean as you want, it will only help...) welcome and much appreciated! Thanks in advance.
Sensitivity note* This chapter references self-harm (not in grisly detail).
https://docs.google.com/document/d/18om4nJavwXnP2dtT5VbpqiLUD-K1ddSXlIVG9KQO3TU/edit?usp=sharing
Critique offered on 'Enter the Light - Ch 1 [2479]'
Posted Sep 11, 2020, 3:37 PM UTC · edited
GENERAL REMARKS
Hi there, sorry to see you haven't had more reviews, the sub has been a little slow this week, and I think your piece is decently written, which many commentators won't touch because it's easier to critique something that needs a lot of work. This piece, to me, is on the verge of being publishable if polished, so much of my critique will be focussed on storyline and content as opposed to the writing style (with a few exceptions, but these are mostly personal preferences to me as a reader, so take them with a grain of salt)
The prose is succinct and engaging, the characters are fairly established and the staging within the chapter is excellent. You have a distinct voice as an author, though I personally found that you have an irritating overreliance on listing and short sentences. You use simple sentences to create emphasis, and you do it well, however after my attention was redirected so frequently using this technique, it started to grate on me. I also found your initial analogy to be slightly irritating; we commence the story thinking one thing (he’s watching his ex get murdered?) and then told we were wrong, it’s actually nothing like that (he’s stalking his ex and she’s forgetting to breathe because she’s in a stressful business deal.) I’ve found that generally, most reader’s don’t like to be tricked, unless it’s a cleverly woven set of red herrings, or it’s a detective story or something. This feels vaguely...cheap. She’s dying, lots of attention to her jugular and her imminent death aaaaannnddd, actually she’s just forgotten to breathe.
No, she won’t. Even if she lost consciousness she’d then start breathing again. I get where you’re coming from, I do think it’s kind of clever, but I also read the reveal and just felt….meh. Cheap trick.
INITIAL PAGE/CONFLICT
Since the initial page is often the make or break point for whether a reader will continue a story, I’ll analyze it a little more closely than the rest of the piece. Personally, I would continue reading, I think your opening to this story is engaging and I’ll expand upon why in a second, but as I mentioned above, I found myself feeling a vague sense of annoyance at the sudden switch in tone from ‘murder situation?’ to ‘I’m watching her holding her breath whilst wearing a fake beard in a Starbucks.’ Perhaps others will feel differently, I just figured I’d share my own feeling on the matter.
Now, your opening sentence has the potential to be hard-hitting and engaging, and loses it through the addition of ‘quite’. “She’s always had a prominent jugular vein,” has so much more substance, it’s shorter and more to the point. “Quite” is a bit of a cop-out word, a modifier, it lessens the phrase, like adding a ‘kind of’ or a ‘maybe’ into the sentence.
I’m going to detail my thought processes when reading this initial conflict, to see if that helps illustrate why I felt a little cheated as a reader. If we continue down we’re given a fairly analytical description of a woman being asphyxiated though we aren’t told the aggravating external factor, and thus our initial assumption is that she’s likely being choked. We have been told that our narrator loves this woman, so with the analytical, calculating, and cold feel of the description, we begin to wonder if it’s him that’s killing her, and numerous questions arise; “is he a psychopath?” “Is this a sex thing?”
These questions are answered as quickly as they appear in the reader’s heads, with clues that only inspire more questions. He takes a bite of a donut and then a drink of coffee, his hands are on his food and drink therefore he likely isn’t the one killing her. Okay, so he’s watching her be killed? This was all great, I was engaged because I was being led gently into the scenario, trying to work out what was happening, and you as the author were leading me with little clues and hints as to the nature of the situation.
THEN it’s revealed that they’re in a Starbucks, and she’s being mentally asphyxiated by a businesswoman. Honestly, at this point I thought you meant that the businesswoman had some sort of Darth Vader style choking powers. Then, for almost an entire page, we’re told various details about our narrator and his appearance/ relationship to the woman, and at no point did I have confirmation of why she wasn’t breathing. Thus, I held my (incorrect) assumption that it was being done to her by the businesswoman in a very real physical (maybe supernatural) sense, for an entire page. Then comes the reveal, which is that when Serena is stressed she holds her breath. And I just felt a bit...meh. I’ve been lead to believe this was a murder situation, then a supernatural situation, and now it’s just that she forgot to breathe? Loses any kind of punch.
FORMATTING - quick note, since you haven’t enabled comments on the doc.
You're in Starbucks. She's not the kind of client that's going to make or break your career. You don't even want this.
That last part is still a thought directed to Serena, therefore should also be in italics.
SETTING AND STAGING
Your setting is as good a place as any to open the story, a Starbucks is relatable, and the way your characters interact with their environment (Jack sipping a cup with his name on it) also brings familiarity to the reader, and draws them in. Jack hiding the wedding ring he still wears is a good indicator of the type of story this will turn into.
DESCRIPTIONS
Interesting and slightly obscure descriptions, yet despite this they convey what you’re trying to describe with incredible vibrance and accuracy.
Taken alongside the red lips and cloroxed hair, this woman is a line of violent contrasts on a body and face that most closely resembles a toothpick.
^This is an excellent description, I can exactly picture this woman through this sentence alone.
I have nothing much to critique here, I think it’s a strong point in your writing.
CHARACTER
Your main character comes through well, though he seems to be a bit of an oddball. Bizarre as Serena would tell us. I did find him engaging and consistent within his oddness, though I wonder about his appearance towards the end when he’s referring to himself as a freak. (Is he disabled in some way?)
Serena is presented entirely through the lens of our protagonist and his obsession with her, and this presentation comes across well, I’d argue that she’s a bit flat, almost like she doesn’t have much to her, but that’s actually ideal at the moment because obsessive love is very different to true love, and his random stating of facts he knows about her without ever really diving into WHY he loves her is pretty spot-on characterization for him. I assume we’ll get to know her better as the book progresses.
MECHANICS
I mentioned in my General Comments section that I felt you were going a bit hard with the short emphasis-heavy sentences, and the listing in threes. Look, it’s a good technique for driving home important characterization or plot points, but it felt overused, the frequency of it gave your writing a slightly melodramatic tone. He’s a stalker, it’s a gritty story, we get it. Your sentence structuring reflects it slightly too heavily for my tastes.
CLOSING COMMENTS:
Beyond the critiques I’ve mentioned, (some of which are more personal preferences for me as a reader) I think it’s well written and engaging.
Thanks for a thorough and useful critique. This definitely makes up for the lack of responses so far.
- Your reaction to the "trick" on the opening page is incredibly helpful. I had never even considered that possibility and now that it's been highlighted, I kind of agree with you. I'll definitely work on adding a bit more nuance and clarity re: what I want the reader to think and what's actually happening there.
- Is he disabled in some way? No. He's fully functional and is actually perceived as quite handsome by other characters. His backstory centres around physical and sexual abuse that took place during his adolecsence. . .Often victims of abuse harbour a strongly negative opinion of their own physical appearance, and I have written Jack's character to that end. I'd be interested to hear your opinion on this, but please feel no further obligation.
-Without even glancing at my manuscript, I know the short emphasis-heavy stuff that bothered you continues through all of it. It's probably a by-product of a style used by the writers I tend to read most often (Michael Robotham comes immediately to mind). Hearing that you feel that way after only one chapter, I'll have to take a good look at it and see what changes I might need to make.
Thanks again for all the helpful tips, and the kind words mean a lot!