[1276] how Kimmy escaped home at age 13

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Prose

I really like some of your descriptive passages, especially "full of flop-down grinning grace". It might be to do with the alliteration, but there's something I really like about this phrase.

But in some places I think it detracts from the story. The description of Kimmy playing with the water in the bath reads like showing off big words and scientific understanding. I'm not sure how this whole paragraph improves on the sentence "Kimmy was enjoying a long bath when his father's voice intruded from the basement." This is especially true when the previous para already said that Kimmy was enjoying a bath.

Some of your sentences, especially towards the beginning, are overly long. I'd recommend thinking about how you can vary sentence length and where a part of a sentence would have more impact on its own, rather than running on from the previous sentence.

E.g.

And then he heard his father's lumbering footsteps up the stairs and with that Kimmy's body sprung to life and he jumped out the bath just in time to hear his father's footsteps stomp down the hall after the dog.

Could instead be:

Kimmy heard his father's lumbering footsteps up the stairs and his body sprung to life. He jumped out the bath just in time to hear his father's footsteps stomp down the hall after the dog.

​

Confusing sections

When Kimmy is packing up to leave, it talks about how the ' boys in the beaten up leather jackets and torn jeans had impressed upon him the value of traveling light'. But the story gave me the impression that he met those boys after he ran away (i.e. after this scene takes place). How can he be thinking about their advice when he hasn't met them yet?

" Music swells. Roll credits. " I guess this is something the character is thinking sarcastically? But it doesn't really play like that and is a bit confusing given that you immediately go on to explain what happens next, so the previous para wasn't an ending.

The final few paragraphs seem to be a sort of dream sequence, pulling sections from the rest. But it reads a bit strangely given it starts with "Kimmy woke up". It also refers back to a part of the story that the reader has just read. What is the purpose of a flashback to something that has just happened?

You've said that this entire scene is a flashback, but there also seems to be a flashback within it. This is separated by the lines, but the story before and after the lines/flashback, do not join up either. Overall, I think that if this is already a flashback, it'd be clearer to tell it as a linear tale, rather than include flashbacks/dreams within it.

Characters

The father is straight up terrible - that seems to be his whole characterisation. This is probably fine given the role he plays within this scene (and assuming he does not have any role in the wider story), but might be worth noting that the father (and the MCs feelings toward him) is very one dimensional in this story. The MC seems to feel no conflict about his father, despite him being apparently the MCs only family (given there is no mention of his mother or siblings).

It seems like this is a vulnerable time in the MCs life - when he has to escape his abusive father and ends up along and shivering on a beach. Yet there is no discussion of the fear or uncertainty or worry Kimmy feels. I think the story would be improved by Kimmy going after his father and then realising the vulnerable position he is in and being afraid. It seems like he is being set up as brave, but this does not necessarily play out if he is not afraid and conquering that fear to protect the dog. Kimmy's position, naked and confronting his much larger and armed father, is described as absurd, rather than dangerous.

Maybe describing the MC's fear would give an impression of the character that you are not trying to give, but I think the story would be improved by more discussion of what Kimmy is experiencing at this extremely pivotal point of his life. How does Kimmy feel when he first hears his father yelling? My stomach used to plummet if I heard my dad yelling, and he was just a normal dad. But maybe Kimmy feels anger or determination. Maybe he knew this moment, or something like it, was coming.

Closing comments

Overall, the story is interesting and the visual are vivid, but some areas are confusing or overexplained. I'd be interested in the rest of this story and think that this passage could be a useful way to provide some characterisation to your MC if you can get in his head a little more.

First Impressions

I found this to be an interesting short story, and I can tell a decent amount of thought has gone into it. There are, however, quite a few issues I found jarring. Predominantly – I will go into detail later on – the beginning passage. The first thing I noted, however, was formatting. Now, as someone who often uses google drive, I’m aware it does always copy and paste properly, and so, that may have messed it up for you. However, in case you weren’t aware, each new paragraph should be indented. You can do this by pressing tab on Word. This does not work on Reddit, however, hence my poor formatting here. Similarly, the gaps between paragraphs should be removed, and the spacing between lines should be 1.5.

Prose and Pacing

Whilst prose is always going to subjective, I do find your very first line quite jarring, and not just due to its length.

“Once, when he was 13, Kimmy woke up on Baker Beach,” – The hook of this sentence is that a young boy wakes up on the beach. A decent enough hook. I believe it could be more impactful as: ‘Kimmy, a 13-year old boy, woke on Baker Beach.’ Again, this is fundamentally a matter of opinion, and so if you prefer your sentence you can keep as is.

The second part of the sentence, however, is arguably clearer cut.

“shivering, half naked under a dirty flimsy blanket in the San Francisco fog, his jeans rolled up under his head, his eyes stinging of salt, the first pale hints of sunrise warming the sky somewhere beyond the Marin headlands.” – This is the second part of the sentence, and is, objectively, too long. The opening sentence is meant to grip people whilst also being concise. Now, I often use long opening sentence, I love them too much, and many people dislike it. If you enjoy them, don’t stop. But the issue here is that the sentence isn’t clean. To demonstrate: ‘under a dirty flimsy blanket’ could potentially work better as ‘under a soiled blanket’. ‘his jeans rolled up under his head,’ would work better as: ‘jeans folded into a makeshift pillow to cushion his head’. This sentence is not necessarily better; it is longer and arguably says the same thing. Despite this, I think it flows better. ‘his eyes stinging of salt’ could be ‘eyes stinging from salt’. You don’t need to say it is his eyes, everyone knows.

Ignore my ironically poor formatting, but overall, if I were to rewrite this first sentence it would read something like this.

“Kimmy, a 13-year old boy, awoke on Baker Beach. He shivered, half naked under a soiled blanket, jeans folded into a makeshift pillow to cushion his head. As the San Francisco fog rolled in, his eyes stinging from salt, the first pale hints of sunrise warmed the sky somewhere beyond the Marin headlands.”

Whilst a little longer, and not entirely in your writing style, this okay example shows how this paragraph could be broken up to make it more readable.

I’ll skip a little later on, for in another review someone has already hit some of my edits.

“Kimmy had been sitting in a warm bath…”

“Kimmy had been quietly and gently…”

These two sentences begin two of your early paragraphs, and one follows on from the other. Here we can identify the main issue – not varying sentence structure enough. I struggle with it, too, often writing things in weird ways to try and avoid it entirely, but here improvements can definitely be made.

“Kimmy, quietly and gently waving his warms and hands through the warm water,” – This is a quick fix for the second example, though not perfect. Ideally, it would begin with a different word, and be formed differently.

Here’s an example of varying sentence structure:

Example 1: Jack walked to the store.

Example 2: After finishing his lunch, Jack arrived at the store.

The sentence second is slightly more detailed, but the point remains. If we keep saying people walked to the store, it gets a little repetitive.

Example 3: The sky was vibrant when Jack arrived at the store.

To make it clear, I’m not saying your piece is overly monotone. You’re aware of different sentence structure, but sometimes you repeat the same ones too close together.

Overall, I quite enjoyed the prose of this piece. You have some nice descriptive phrasing. I enjoyed the last part of the first sentence. Don’t get discouraged. A few edits here and there would make this piece more enjoyable.

Plot

Not much to say here, since your piece is quite short, but I will mention the first section is a little confusing. I understand it’s meant to be a flash forward, however, when you tell us “after his father tried to kill his dog”, what’s the point of then reading it again later on. I assume you were trying to create tension, but when we know the dog doesn’t die, it falls short. For instance, and spoiler alert in case, in Breaking Bad they tell us a plane will be destroyed at the end of the Season in the very first episode. This is interesting, as we wonder how, but it wouldn’t be interesting if we are told a plane will not be destroyed and will in fact survive. The concept of revealing the dog surviving would be better, if, in fact, the dog died (not that I’m advocating for that, I love dogs).

Characters

A little hard to judge this one. Since it is such a short piece, building character is incredibly difficult. I will say, however, that the dad seems quite evil. I get that he’s mad at the dog pooping in his shoes, but maybe we’d feel there’s more depth as a character, if, for example, he only became this way when his wife died, and he takes his anger out on his kid.

The main character suffers a similar problem, in that he doesn’t seem particularly interesting. Maybe it would work better if we were shown more of his inner thoughts.

Conclusion

It’s a good attempt, and I hope you keep writing. There’s always room for improvement, which is why I personally find writing so fun. Good job!

Alright, I’ve given this two reads through and I’ll go through after that and get a little gritty with soe of the parts. General things: I think you write well, but I’ll say it right out. This feels overwritten. All the adverbs, the word choice, for a thirteen year old flash back, it doesn’t seem right. Clarity suffers because of this and I think it’d be better if you focus on the action and less on the words. Just a thought but we’ll get into each line in a second.

The dialogue. I know this is a supposed to be a bit modernist etc. but, if you could keep the dialogues within the paragraphs it’ll be more clear and the reader will have an easier time. I know again, part of this is a bit stream of conscious-y pomo stuff, it’d be easier to follow if you stuck the dialogue within the paragraph of the person doing the actions.

The POV: a few times in this story you leave Kimmy’s POV… for the dog’s and the dad’s. I’ll go over this in the coming section, but If you stay with Kimmy the whole time I think it’ll read better.

The structure: Okay, I understand this is pomo or whatever, but the structure seems disjointed right now and I feel like if you want to have the stream of consciousness, flashback nad in a flashback thing, it’d be nice to integrate it throughout hte story. Again, I understand this is a piece of modernism, and you can use whatever the fuck you wwant for a narrative technique. But if I had the choice I’d add the ending paragraphs to the middle ones… and also in general cut down any POV outside the close third person of Kimmy’s. It feel weird having the multiple instances of omniscence followed by a very sort of violent flashback at the end.

So awkward parts:

Once, when he was 13, Kimmy woke up on Baker Beach, shivering, half naked under a dirty flimsy blanket in the San Francisco fog, his jeans rolled up under his head, his eyes stinging of salt, the first pale hints of sunrise warming the sky somewhere beyond the Marin headlands.

Okay, this is a line where I believe you’re overwriting a bit. I like your writing, but it just seems to much. “Dirty, flimsy” “pale,hints, warming” these are beautiful words but do nothing for me as a reader. I can’t visualize a thing. This would be an opportunity to show.

Some older boys who'd passed through town, panhandling in beaten up leather jackets and torn jeans, full of flop-down grinning grace, possessed of a quiet animal quickness -- they'd told him about the tracks.

Similar thing here. You write well but it’s empty here. The flop-down grinning grace, possessed…. It’s all way out of place in this story.

Some older boys who'd passed through town, panhandling in beaten up leather jackets and torn jeans had told him about the tracks.

That’s all you need there IMO.

Kimmy had been sitting in a warm bath enjoying the relative isolation from his father's tense lunacy when the dog, no doubt upon careful moral contemplation, deposited a well deserved shit in the old man's brand new golf shoes. Even under the most trying circumstances a good dog remains brave and retains a sense of humor and fairness.

Okay, two things about this paragraph. First, tense lunacy…. Again, this is awkward. The moral contemplation of a dog… I don’t know if you’re trying to be sarcastic… but it comes out awkward… then the final sentence.. Even under… seems totally out of place. It’s just awkward… and would be better if the thought camee from Kimmy. Something better would be. “Kimmy always thought the dog fair when it came to his fecal caprices…” (or something like that… just keep the POV on Kimmy.) If at the start you maybe added again, another auditory observation from Kimmy it may read better. (Kimmy had been sitting in a warm bath enjoying when he heard the ___ cry of his father…) who knows. Give the reader a little more info.

Kimmy had been quietly and gently waving his arms and hands through the warm water, viscerally studying its dynamics, eyes closed, trying to see how its flow could be influenced and shaped, with subtle motions of the fingers, to the mutual satisfaction of water and boy. Into this mediation his father's voice intruded from the basement.

This is another paragraph that seems awkward. I think it should be combined with the first one, and you can have the events be chronological.… visceral studying… again, these are nice words… but don’t really give the reader anything and they end up detracting from a thirteen year old boy’s memory.

Kimmy heard a few blows from his father’s hand fall upon the dog before the dog escaped his father's grasp and bolted up the stairs and down the hall to Kimmy's room to take cover.

THis is an opportunity to show a bit more than tell. Hearing “blows” doesn’t really do anything for me but a succession of smacks… or something would be great… again, you switch to a perspective here that takes us out of the tub with Kimmy. I think it’d work better if you keep Kimmy in the tub. Maybe he hears the dogs paws clapping up the stairs case, galloping towards the end of the hall towards his room. (taking cover seems like too much info…. Again… Kimmy is in the tub, I think seeing things from his perspective will work better.)

at that Kimmy's body sprung to life

This just feels awkward. Just get straight to what Kimmy does.

When Kimmy got to the door of his own room he saw that his father had dragged the dog half-out from under the bed. His father's left hand pinned down the dog's neck. The dog's hindquarters still under the bed, useless for kicking or squirming.

This is a great paragraph. It’s descriptive, from Kimmy’s POV and is very strong. I don’t think you need to put the “useless for kicking or squirming” just show instead. Kimmy’s mind doesn’t have the time and isn’t analyzing the legs and being like “wow his legs are useless under there!” Keep us there and in the moment.

Kimmy knew for sure his father meant to kill the dog.

Okay, for me this just reads weird. All this knowing in this line and the proceeding ones just seem wrong. Get it out there

It was absurd. He was unarmed, naked, dripping, and small. Kimmy was slender. His father had the build of a middleweight boxer.

Okay, another really awkward line. Don’t say it’s absurd. Show show show the absurdity. A middleweight boxer does nothing for me either. Please use visual elements to portray the absurdity, you don’t need to say it.

It made no difference. Kimmy knew with absolute certainty that if the old man made one wrong move he'd kill the asshole right then and there. His father then knew it too. It hung in the air. It filled every sense. The old man's nostrils flared in involuntary twitches as his overheated breath panted in a suddenly leashed rage.

Okay, for me, this was one of the more awkward paragraphs. His father and him both knowing…. Come on. Hanging in the air, filling every sense… this doesn’t work and there’s got to be a better way to convery this. He knew and Kimmy knew is just not the way though. It sounds awkward, and also I believe you should stay with just Kimmy’s POV. Keep in Kimmy’s mind throughout this paragraph and I think you’ll et something stronger.

His father, now suddenly the old man, walked into his study, and slammed the door.

The now suddenly the old man thing…. For me…. Again is not working. Show, show, show, “Kimmy watched as his father walked into his study. His hunched back, right leg limping as he put one foot ahead of the other… “ something like that.

As the dog started to move Kimmy put on his best bullshit little boy routine.

This line here feels weird and out of place. Keep it in Kimmy’s POV and I think it’ll sound better. “...move Kimmy decided to put on his…”

They headed to the kitchen were Kimmy noisily fished out the can opener and noisily rummaged the pantry. He paused and listened.

Adverb alert. Noisily noisily…. Get some “Kimmy could hear the metal clanks together as he fished out the can opener, the pantry clanging as he rummaged for the cans of beans stacks at the back.”

The dog looked startled. Are you sure?

Okay, the scene where he leaves reads a little strange. The dog is a talking dog? I’m not sure…. I’d be better for Kimmy to observe potentially this feeling… again… show. The dog can turn his neck quizzically… Kimmy can believe the dog was making sure…

Kimmy knew the dog had several human friends nearby and would run to one who would take him in.

The old man would surely figure out where the dog went but he also knew that the old man wouldn't make a fuss or try to get the dog back because then he'd have to answer awkward questions about why nobody'd seen his 13 year old boy for a while.

Final line comment, this is another of the Kimmy knew, old man would figure out. Instead maybe reference how the dog used to show up at the the Rogers’s whenever he escaped…. That they’d had a tendency to feed him and not tell the family until his dad came hunting… something. This sentence just seems forced.

For the rest of the sort of stream of conscious thing… I think it would read better if it was integrated into the story. Sound and the Fury style. A little more Faulknerian… but, again. It’s your modernist technique, you do what you want.

Overall. I think the story, but I think it can definitely use a bit of cleaning up and more than anything isolation. Stick with Kimmy’s point of view and I think that will lead to a really successful, well told, and riveting tale. Resist the urge to go omniscient. Stay objective and this story will be stronger.

Overall impressions: I liked the story's overall framework and the ideas behind the plot. As a short story in San Francisco, I was able to connect because I grew up in the bay area. The refernce to san franscico and Oakland pulled me in and made me curious, so take my advice as perhaps a little biased. I think the prose and style is holding the story back. It is overly descriptive in a plain sense rather than descriptive in an imagination sense if you get what I mean.

Introduction: This was probably my favorite part of the story. I thought Kimmy was homeless at first because of your description though, "half naked under a dirty flimsy blanket in the San Francisco fog, his jeans rolled up under his head." You may want to start with more charector introspection and less rote description. I like the 2nd paragraph a lot. But with such a short number of words, is it really worth it to spend 2 sentences on these random boys who pointed him down. I don't think it adds enough to an 850 word story. I would instead incorporate more charector introspective thought about his dilemma about where to go. As a reader I want to understand why this charector made his decision to do so.

Main plot/previous day: There is way too much basic description and not enough interesting/spicy prose and style changes. I can't imagine a homeless angsty teenager saying "Jesus fucking christ I paid $110 for those shoes where's the god damn dog." Incorporate a better dialogue tag to show he is angsty and to make the quote feel out of the place from this kid described demeanor. He is portrayed so far as a chill kid so make sure to qualify his anger. "His father's right arm was raised above the dog's head and clutched a 12 inch pipe wrench. Kimmy knew for sure his father meant to kill the dog." This quote was powerful, probably one of my favorite lines in the story.

"Kimmy spat and screamed across the room, crazy eyed, from the doorway where he stood red faced and red chested, naked, dripping wet." This is another example of basic description. Readers hate being told what is going on when you just say it plainly. But if you incorporate thought or dialogue that gives an implication of anger, then I would feel like I understood the charector better.

"I'll kill you." While I can see the father doing this, I feel that he would say more words along with I will kill you. Perhaps ruminating out loud or expressing other things he is angry about. Something else to consider is the son introspectively says "maybe he was angry because... and then list of a bunch of incidents that paint the father as sucky,

'He was unarmed, naked, dripping, and small. Kimmy was slender." This is confusing. Who are you referring to as he?

"The old man's nostrils flared in involuntary twitches as his overheated breath panted in a suddenly leashed rage." This is one of those disgustingly cool phrases. I like this a lot. "His father, now suddenly the old man, walked into his study, and slammed the door." This transition between old man and raging abusive is very confusing. Please be less confusing by using less pronouns. Also, describe why the father gets mad and then calms down. Is he bipolar? Provide an explanation. You have to make it feel realistic.

" he knew how to strap to his calf." Bring up why he learned how to. Perhaps he had to learn to fend off his dad when he got abusive or to protect his mother from his dad.

"The boys in the beaten up leather jackets and torn jeans had impressed upon him the value of traveling light." I don't know why you are wasting so much time on these random boys. I don't care about them, I care about the main charector. For 800 words, make it a 2 person story.

I finally understood the scene but "bullshit little boy routine." was very confusing at first.

"A preternatural calm" I didn't know what this meant and depending on your audience I don't think most people would.

Ending: I like how you connected it to the beginning and it gives the audience a bit of a book ends ending. But the last "impact" quote did not contribute at all to what I thought about the kid. Obviously he is going to tell his dad he won't come home. The reader knows this. Say something shocking or implement a twist. Perhaps the dog slides off a cliff and dies anyway or you bring up a dumb lesson only a teenager would think of. Like "I will never need help again" or something.

Grammar: I did not see any glaring grammar errors. Be careful on the quote tags. Charectors: Kimmy: generally likable and seen as the protagonist. I liked the charector, but include more introspective elements. Dad: I don't like the dad because there is no logic behind it. Perhaps if you had been like he was never the same since mom died or he never stopped drinking after he lost his job" etc. Make the audience (who likely aren't abusive) connected through a shared feeling or trait.

Edit: forgive my misspelling of characters. I’m so dumb