[1237] Finale Deathtacular

QUESTIONS

Did you see the ending coming?

A little yes, but I thought it would be something like in The Prestige, which it was but this was more grounded in reality. So I was kind of wrong but when he mentioned the familiar screams, I saw it coming. But I think that was a good thing, as it starts to paint the picture in the reader's head as to what is coming. So the reveal was well done.

Were you engaged throughout? If not, where did I lose you?

This short story kept me engaged throughout. It was well written for the most part. There were some instances that I will highlight below. It was well-paced for it what was trying to do, so no issues with engagement.

How powerfully did you feel what the protagonist would have felt when he realized he'd killed his brother?

This is one thing that seemed off to me. The MC mentions a few times that he felt sick performing the Deathtacular trick, but when it is revealed that it was his brother that he had killed. It didn't seem to affect him much. Maybe add a couple of lines of despair before Maximo comes in to give the final piece of dialogue, sealing the MC's fate.

How did you interpret the fact that the corpse and the protagonist have Maximo's face?

When the corpse had Maximo's face I was surprised but then it clicked into place, what he was doing. He was using plastic surgery and turning his victims into himself and then killing them for the trick. That was superbly done. Remember, that you don't always have to have a good reveal at the end. I think you did a good job of leaving clues for the readers to pick up on.

MECHANICS

Finale Deathtacular - is a fantastic title for this piece. It is catchy and what one would expect to find, a magician would name one of their tricks. It works as it sets the reader to expect some sort of magic and hints at the real nature of the stunt.

Your hook that the MC and his brother couldn't figure out the Deathtacular was a couple of paragraphs in but it was placed well for this piece. That is when the story really engaged me when the MC is saying that he couldn't figure out, how Maximo performed the trick. If there was a way to move this slightly up, it could work better but the way it is now should be fine as well.

Last night, Oliver had gone to demand we be a part of the performance's preparation this year, or else he would leave the show.

This here threw me off on the second read. If I understand correctly, it takes longer than that for someone to recover from plastic surgery, especially one as extensive as completely changing someone's face. The surgeons also come to check on him later on stage, would they not have caught the scars. Maybe extend the timeline to a week to make it more believable.

X. Ten years. Seems fitting.

The X. threw me off. It pulled me out of the reading as I tried to understand what you meant by it. It took me a moment that you were talking about the roman numeral X for 10. I would suggest you say it explicitly that the MC is referring to the roman numeral as not everyone is familiar with them.

Maybe proofread the document one more time, to catch errors as there were some punctuations and spaces that seemed off about the piece. Below are a couple of examples:

There, looking back at me,are my eyes but not my face. It's Maximo X's face.

There should be a space between 'me, are'

And what's in the bottom compartment now...?

Also, I have never seen a ... and ? together. If you add ... you don't need to add the ? as it is the character's thought and you want to leave it ambiguous at the end. Just minor things.

SETTING & STAGING

Overall, this is well done, despite the brief descriptions of the environment. But in this context, it works as you kept the focus on the trick and propelled the story forward by letting the MC and the reader trying to guess at how the Deathtacular is performed.

Your MC's interactions with the environment were shown wonderfully. The way he feels the sword go through his brother's body is described well. It paints a vivid picture in the reader's head. Your MC also, behaved realistically to when he discovers the corpse and when he finds his own face has been changed by plastic surgery. Like I mentioned earlier, just show his despair a little more before the reveal at the end.

PACING

The story was perfectly paced for it was trying to do. It never dragged in places and always kept me engaged throughout. The mystery of finding out the secret of the trick is done well. The story did not drag in any place or get bogged down in unnecessary descriptions. It kept moving a fantastic pace to keep the reader entertained and intrigued as to how the trick is performed. It also worked in your for that you showed the trick fast and didn't wait too long. Giving the reader, time to think about how Maximo did it, as the story unfolds.

CONCLUSION

Overall, I enjoyed this story a lot. It was intriguing and mysterious and at the same time made me think. The ending though morbid as we learn that the MC killed his brother and is headed for the same fate was executed perfectly. All the best for your competition.

Opening/hook

I didn't find the opening sentence to enticing....or the following paragraphs for that matter. They weren't bad by any means but they weren't great either. During the first few paragraphs, I want to be given questions. I feel like shining a brighter light on why the show is important could raise the stakes for the narrator. You simply tell us it's important without giving much explanation as to why. I also think the opening would be more enticing if you went more into the brother's absence. Maybe the narrator could feel a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. I think if you shined more importance on that, I'd be hooked more. possibly give greater emphasis that the brother is always there, and how strange it is that he isn't.

Together, we'd surpassed Maximo X at every aspect of magic long ago. Our escape artist techniques are flawless, stage presence renowned, and our creativity has been responsible for nearly every major addition to the show for the last few years.

All except one. All except the Deathtacular finale. Until Maximo teaches us how to do this trick, any show we do without him will never compete. This performance alone has caused a frenzy of magic excitement across the globe in a way Copperfield or even Houdini only could have dreamed.

This is part of the first few paragraphs and it is all exposition. I think focusing more on something like the narrator's action and preparation for the show would be more interesting. I think it could also be interesting if you possibly hinted at the twist at the end a bit more. You could even have the narrator tell us "What happened that night was terrible." something along those lines as he could be narrating it from the past. I think that would help hook the reader and have them wondering exactly what part of the trick is bad? So they're trying to figure it out, and continue to read on due to that fact.

Plot

the beginning of this piece was somewhat slow for me but it picked up at the final half, after the magic show. For some reason, the magic show seemed a bit dry. The parts where you are describing the trick didn't really do it for me. It is over quick enough to not really be a big deal, but it didn't have me craving the ending, which is by far the best part. You did a nice job with the reveal. Overall the pacing was pretty good for its length. You didn't drag on at any parts and got to the goods in a decent amount of time.

Prose

So the prose was a bit dry and direct which isn't necessarily bad but is more synonymous with 3rd person. Since it's 1st person, it gives you the option to add in some characterization into the prose. Again, there's is nothing wrong with lucid prose, it just doesn't drip in the beauty that adds more intrigue to a story.

One thing I noticed is that there is a bit of telling during the story. for example, look at this sentence.

I continue to fumble with the zipper, my normally deft magician's hands shaking. This trick has always made me sick. This year I am doing it alone.

You did a bit of showing with the first part, but I would've liked to see a bit more. Maybe have him throw up in the toilet, or even tell us why he hates tricks like this instead of just saying that he does.

X. Ten years. Seems fitting.

As the other poster said, I found this a bit confusing. It took me a minute to put together it is a Roman numeral. It is definitely something the reader would have a tough time understanding at first, a bit of context to the line would clear it up.

A bloodcurdling scream rips through the flimsy box as the sword emerges from the other side. It's smeared red. Dripping. The tortured screams continue. An alarmed murmur pulses through the crowd. I remove the sword and plunge it into another dark slot in the box.

More red. More dripping. More screaming.

I really liked this description. It clearly paints what is going on in the scene, and the short sentences add emphasis to the gruesomeness of the trick. I wished there were more vivid descriptions like this throughout the story.

Question time

did you see the ending coming?

I knew something was up but didn't really expect it to be the brother. I thought the hook was done quite well actually.

Were you engaged throughout? If not, where did I lose you?

I was for the most part. Like I said earlier, the opening and the beginning of the performance was when I was least engaged, but by no means was it utterly boring. I really think emphasizing the brother's absence and the worry it causes in the narrator would hook the reader more and give them the question. Where is the brother? which never really crossed my mind since you only brought it up for a short moment and didn't touch on it further.

How powerfully did you feel what the protagonist would have felt when he realized he'd killed his brother?

Not powerful enough, all he did was cry and then step back. Go into the terror he feels at seeing his dead brother. I feel like You could highlight the disbelief he feels during that moment. Something like having him cry over the body, and shout "No! No!" would make it seem more believable. Maybe just have him tear on the body for a while until he's then interrupted, instead of stopping the moment so suddenly.

How did you interpret the fact that the corpse and the protagonist have Maximo's face?

It was confused for a moment, it took some time to piece together that he used plastic surgery. I think it's a good idea, but not very realistic (Which is probably fine for a horror short story.) I think it would be very hard to change the face exactly...not something that could be done overnight, but it's not too big of a deal.

Overall

I had a fun time reading this piece, the ending was by far my favorite part. There are a few things that you could change like the opening, I just didn't feel myself fully engaged with the first few opening paragraph. I know I said it two times before, but I really think it would help if you went further into the brother's disappearance. engagement is caused by conflict, and I think that would be a great piece to hook the readers in.