Source
r/actuallesbiansā€¢
gothbb

Meeting other queer women seems harder now that I look more femme.

Text

This is a bit of a thought tangent so bear with me. My circle of queer female friends has dwindled over the years so I don't have much of an outlet to bounce common ideas/experiences off of anymore.

As the title suggests, it seemingly feels a bit harder for me to meet other queer women now that I look more femme than I used to. I'm 28 now but in my late teens to mid twenties I had a very masculine/androgynous style. Over the years I've grown my hair out and incorporated feminine pieces back into my style. I feel more confident in myself than ever but I find that it's a bit harder now to meet other queer women. I'm not sure if people just assume that I'm straight now or did I just lose some of my own courage to approach women.

Has anyone else ever been through something similar? Or does anyone have any advice? I hope this is a good place to post this. If not, please let me know of any other subreddits that may be better!

Posted Oct 5, 2020, 4:19 AM UTC

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MariahOnStandbyPanā€¢

Can I ALSO be there? That sounds like my jam

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HanginInTheClosetā€¢

Is this a public thing? If so, Iā€™d be so down

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classyravenTrans-Panā€¢

Please send me the link too!

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Chicken_Mc_ThuggetsGoth Witch Femme ā€¢

Can I also get the link?

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gothbbOPā€¢

Yeah absolutely!

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ChoiceSorbet9ā€¢

Hi sorry I'm late and also a lurker, but could I hop on board?

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liznicaā€¢

may i ask for that link as well? šŸ™‚

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MiinsjLesbeanā€¢

hiii, if it's cool i want an invitation too, please!

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likelyalesbianLesbianā€¢

I am interested in this too!

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giraffesForDayzā€¢

Me too! :]

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MariahOnStandbyPanā€¢

I feel this big time.

It was so easy for me to make queer friends or meet queer women when I had short hair and dressed super andro but I always felt like such a fraud. It never felt like I was my true self. To be fair, I only ever did the whole andro thing because I thought I had to and because my girlfriends after high school all wanted me to be that way.

My problem is that before I came out, I had hair to my belly button, loved make-up and tight pants, etc. All that femme shit. I used to know a huge number of queer people and definitely had a lot more women approach me when I was andro, but now that I have my long hair, flowy-hippie-dippie thing going on and feel like my most authentic self, people genuinely just have zero clue that I'm queer. The only people that ever approach me at this point are men and it's kind of a bummer. Luckily, I'm not really scared to approach women, but I really have to do 100% of the legwork when initiating conversation or anything else.

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gothbbOPā€¢

I totally understand all of that. I personally never felt forced into being more androgynous, I really love and felt comfortable in that even still. I did however date several girls that would make comments if I did anything relatively feminine which I always found weird. So maybe that's in the back of my head now when I want to approach women as a femme haha.

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MariahOnStandbyPanā€¢

that makes sense!

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iampinklasagnaā€¢

I'm a queer woman if you wanna be friends lol

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liznicaā€¢

i have no advice, but totally feel this. i also look femme and am shy and no one ever thinks i'm queer. but it would not be true to myself to cut my hair or stop wearing dresses.

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seedling7778ā€¢

I have the same problem. I feel more confident/socially accepted appearing more femme. But the moment I tuck my hair into a backwards hat, the same women who glared at me now smile and flirt.

I haven't tried being femme and wearing something to indicate I'm gay because I'm not that confident to deal with the judgement of others. Even though it's really my own internal voice and most people couldn't care less or are supportive.

I'm just an invisible lesbian right now I guess.

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gothbbOPā€¢

I'm sorry you don't feel comfortable being openly queer. Do you live in a conservative area if you don't mind me asking? I'm lucky that the small rural town I grew up in really had no problem with me being openly queer for the most part.

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seedling7778ā€¢

I was raised in a conservative area of a liberal state. I also went to a religious school and a church that openly condemned homosexuality.

My mom was very much about appearances and how things reflect on her. For example, I got my male dog a pink collar because it was a good color on him and she replaced it with a camo print collar so that other people wouldn't be "confused".

At 18 I moved to a red state to be with a woman I met online. I did meet a lot of accepting people but for the most part had to pretend to be straight. Wore a fake engagement ring to job interviews, etc. Lived there for several years and then moved back but to a more liberal city.

However, the part of the city I'm in is also in a more religious area so I don't feel comfortable being outwardly gay. I just got several religious books on my door knob the other day disguised as vegetarian cookbooks. A lot of thought went into that apparently. The cover art was great and I fell for it. I was like "how nice, a cook book!"

So yeah, I think I just have a lot of internalized homophobia that I haven't really dealt with. I'm also trying to pursue a better career that would allow me to move to a more ideal area but obviously I would still need to do more internal work beyond just changing my environment.

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