What should I teach my 3yo niece?
For some reason, my sister's kid likes me and listens to me. What should I teach her? I'm sure her mother would approve.
Posted Aug 1, 2011, 12:23 PM UTC
1021
It is polite to greet anyone with the phrase "Howdy nigger!"
8
Blowjobs. Oughta get her somewhere.
6
How to be open and to make friends with people, particularly those with beards, large beige waterproof coats and horned-rim glasses. A stranger is just a fiend you haven't met yet. I'm sure she'll reach adulthood without any psychological issues.
4
LOL - fiend
2
Why thank you sir. And you've probably alreadyreadit but here is an amusing story about one of your Austrian brethren (breadbin?):
http://www.allvoices.com/contributed-news/9668287/image/83739672-ooopp
3
Yeah, I loved that stunt. When my license comes up to be renewed in a few years, I am going to look into this possibility. The FSM will somehow aid me with his noodly appendage, I am sure.
I was enjoying the spelling of "fiend" even though you meant friend (I think). It kind of works either way here.
2
Nope, that was intentional. I am one of the funniest people I've ever met, and I've met several people. May the Pasta gods bless you generally, I'mva fan of Canada so congratulations there too.
2
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Ensure a lifetime of fun with sports by teaching her to be a Chicago Cubs, Detroit Lions, and New York Islanders fan.
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Tell her about the game her parents like to play called "Hide The Remote" - any time she sees a remote control, cellphone, wallet, or keys, she should do her best to hide them somewhere mommy & daddy would never think to look.
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Consider buying as much hardcore 90's gangsta rap and death metal from iTunes as your budget will allow and give it to her on an iPod.
4
Teach her to strip. Girls who know how to strip are super popular and have a career until they're at least 30.
3
How to hug random strangers...How to kiss random strangers...or how to read at a first grade level.
3
Safety. For instance, a bbq is very hot and can burn curious hands. Take her outside and press her hand on the bbq until it is burned. Going forward, she'll know never to touch the hot bbq. Teach her about glass, fire, knives, electricity and car accidents. Your sister will thank you a million times for your thoughtfulness.
3
Teach her about all the hidden meanings in cartoons: Dora and Diego's meth lab, Blue's gender identity crisis and Spongebob's fundamentalist views on abortion.
3
sodomy
2
the horrors of war
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the importance of not trusting her uncle.
1
Food from under the 'frig tastes much worse than from within it.
1
Teach her how to suck and lick lollypops and such items deeply, slowly, seductively. Her parents will love it and thank you forever.
0
The Horrors of war!
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Can't touch this.
-2
How to kill a zombie. Never too young to learn that.