Darkness
When the flood of light
Tires the soul,
And a day too long
That vigor fall.
There is solace
When night breaks free,
There is rest
In the sunless sea.
Posted Oct 13, 2020, 6:57 AM UTC
When the flood of light
Tires the soul,
And a day too long
That vigor fall.
There is solace
When night breaks free,
There is rest
In the sunless sea.
Posted Oct 13, 2020, 6:57 AM UTC
I agree with Whiskey and also the sense of exhaustion you depicted. Keep it up.
I personally really enjoyed the rhyme in the last line, it really tied the poem together in a cogent yet simple manner. I like the subversion of expectations of the reader as well, since light usually has a positive connotation to it. perhaps the only line that stands out to me to be altered would be "that vigor fall" as imo, it disrupts the otherwise smooth flow of this poem. perhaps something that rhymes with "soul" would be good.
i really like this. short and sweet. strongpoint is definitely “In the sunless sea”—so good i would look into expanding that metaphor. weak point is “That vigor fall”—it just feels like fall should have an s. small bump in an otherwise smooth poem.
the imagery of the sea and the structure of the poem gives me a feeling of the tide washing up on shore, back and forth. Really enjoyed reading this short sweet piece, it flowed amazingly well. The line
That vigor fall.
kind of didnt seem to phonically fit in as well as the other lines for me, but didnt take away from the overall experience of reading this. cheers to you for writing this, keep up the awesome work!
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Short and simple, just how I enjoy them! It has a "spiritual" feeling to it, almost like a wise, ancient poem. The rhythm in this is also a neat touch, as well. Genuinely a wonderful piece!
Any other poetry that you have shared before?
What gave the piece that "spiritual feeling" you identified?
This poem is short and to the point. And I wouldn't change a thing about this.
I get that this poem is either about the dead or about things that come alive at night. I can interpret so many things from this short verse. The approach of death or the life of vampires. :)