I found a mask made of flesh in my grandpa's attic. Now I'm in a face-off against an eldritch deity trying to devour the very memory of our reality. I've had better days.

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“Andrew!” the pukey rider called. His voice was obscured by the helm, but I thought it sounded familiar. Uncomfortably so. 

“Yes?” I hollered back.

“Have you finished packing my things?”

Oh. 

“Not yet,” I said with a half-hearted wave. 

Oh no. 

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“...And that,” my grandfather said, resting a hand on my shoulder and smiling warmly, “Is how I became the third horseman of the apocalypse.”

“So you all just tried on the mask?” I said, glancing from my grandfather (who smelt quite bad, I should add) to my new coworkers. They shrugged in agreement.

My grandfather brought a finger to his wrinkly chin, lightly scratching at it. “Well, I suppose it felt more significant than simply trying on the mask. I mean, there was the whole boiling pool of blood and --”

“Wait,” I said, turning to Lucifer and folding my arms. “Is that like a template?”

Lucifer didn’t respond. His brows were furrowed in the space between focus and agitation. He held a fold-out map of the city in his hands, and was trying to determine how best to navigate to McDonalds.

I took it from him, and he glared at me.

“Well?" I said.

“Well what?” He swiped the map back from me. “I was reading that, thank you.”

“It’s really not necessary. I can get my father to drive you.” I peered at the house from the street corner. There were faces in the window, no doubt curious why I was surrounded by three knights and a man in a blindingly white suit. Thankfully, grandpa’s stench had managed to keep everybody far away, which made explaining what he was doing here one less thing to worry about.

“Yes, fine," Lucifer said. "I’ll charter the man’s carriage.”

“It’s a Toyota. But, really? Don’t dodge the question.” I took a deep breath. Confrontation was not my strong suit, but I figured if I was going to be the living embodiment of War that I should at least practice. “That whole boiling pool of blood, that’s just something you did for all of us?”

He gave a baleful smile, glancing at the four of us in turn. “I mean, it actually took quite a bit of setting up. I had to reserve a whole circle of Hell. Not exactly an easy feat, even when you’re in my position. These days space is at a premium.”

A low droning sounded from above us, and it appeared as if every bird in the city took flight at the same time. The sky became a flurry of feathers, beaks, and talons. When the avians had cleared overhead, the dark shape of Gos’sloth, still menacing in the storm clouds, began to pulse and vibrate.

“Summon your father,” Lucifer said darkly. “It’s beginning.”

I did, beginning to feel nervous. It was my first day on the job and already the apocalypse. I wondered if this was how seasonal employees felt on Black Friday.

Once I’d gotten my father and explained the situation to him, I loaded both him and Lucifer into the Toyota and sent them on their way to McDonalds. I wasn’t sure how many Big Macs Lucifer was interested in eating, but I hoped my twenty dollars would cover it. Worst case scenario, I gave him my debit card with the express warning that I am charged for every transaction, so if he planned on picking up more food then it’d be better to do it all on one bill instead of multiple orders.

“Your father seemed quite enthusiastic about his role in the apocalypse,” Conquest noted in her terrible, wrathful voice. Now that I’d gotten closer to her, I realized the reason the horse had looked much too large for her was because it was much larger, at least relatively. She couldn’t have been older than seven or eight.

“Oh, he doesn’t know anything about the apocalypse,” I said with a small laugh. “I just told him that Lu forgot his horse trailer at the McDonalds in town. If my father wants the horse gone, I told him somebody would need to take Lu to pick it up.”

“Smart idea,” Death said monotonously. “Now we can deal with this creature unsupervised.”

Conquest grinned, cracking her gauntleted knuckles. “It’s been a while, hasn’t it, Death?”

Death smirked.

“Ah,” I said, running a panicked hand through my hair. “Yes, of course. Reunions are always a lot of fun, aren’t they? Err, funny question for everybody...”

The horsemen looked at me.

“Well,” I began, unsure how to actually phrase this. I realized more and more than I was feeling the same way I’d felt my first day at Billy’s Burger Barn. “I just find myself looking up at that, you know --”

“Eldritch God?” Conquest offered.

“Eldritch God,” I agreed. “I find myself looking up at that fellow and to be perfectly honest, I’m not exactly sure what we’re supposed to do to deal with him?” I gestured to my blue-black horse, now eating the grass in my grandpa’s yard. “I mean, the horses seem like a really great idea but the trouble is Gos’sloth is all the way up there and we’re all the way down here.”

“A good point,” my grandfather conceded. “I’m still getting the hang of this whole Plague and Pestilence thing, and I’m not actually certain I could reach this Gos’sloth character from down here.”

“You would likely be useless, even if you could,” Death grumbled.

I puffed out my chest on my grandfather’s behalf, doing my best to channel the energy of War. “That was a bit rude, wasn't it?”

“She’s just stating the facts,” Conquest said, hopping down from her horse and strutting over to my grandpa and me. She was barely taller than our waists. “There’s a reason there are four horsemen of the apocalypse and not one. It’s because we’re good at different things.”

She pointed a finger at my grandpa. “You’re our means of weakening large swaths of the population through sickness. If there’s a war of attrition, your powers of famine can force our opponents into the open.” Her finger swung over to me. “You’re our general. You can draw upon the armies of Hell and bid them to do your will. Not only that, but unlike your grandfather who weakens our opponents through plague, you embolden our forces and grant them boons of strength.”

“Oh,” I said, stuffing my hands in my pockets. “That’s pretty neat.”

“As for Death,” Conquest continued, folding her arms with a rattle of steel. “She’s our executioner. Unlike the two of you, her ability is focused and usable only on a single target at any given time. Also unlike the two of you, that ability is capable of killing just about anything in existence.”

“Now that sounds handy,” my grandfather said, giving me a gentle smack on the shoulder. “What do you think of that, Andy? We just need to get Death up there and we’re set!”

“Unfortunately, no,” Death said with a sigh. “Conquest said I can kill ‘just about anything,’ and that’s true, but Gos’sloth doesn’t fit the bill. Technically, he’s not even alive. He’s really more like the weather.”

“Oh.” My eyes wandered back up to Gos’sloth, who’s rolling mass looked like a giant blanket draped across the sky. It almost appeared as if the Eldritch God was getting bigger. And quickly, at that. Pieces of its shadow lashed about, snapping with the sound of rolling thunder. The street lamps flickered on, then off, then on again and then buzzed. I noticed quite suddenly that the sun was gone and the neighborhood was rather dark now. “What’s happened?” I said in a hushed voice.

“He’s affecting Time.” Death said, lazily. “To everybody alive, it’s imperceptible. Their days are simply filled in for them and it’s as if the time has passed naturally. To us, our status as horsemen affords us certain protections.” She stifled a yawn. “One such being that we exist beyond time.”

I squinted above. The clouds had stopped moving. In fact, everything had. Through the windows I saw people frozen in place, television programs paused, wind-chimes mid-chime. In the sky, I spotted a bird hanging out, wings outstretched but unmoving.

“Fascinating,” my grandfather said. “So are we just going to stand here and watch Gos’sloth do his business, or should we charter a helicopter?”

Conquest dropped her helmet visor over her face. “Seeing as Gos’sloth interrupted me, I’ll give a practical demonstration of my role on the team.” She did a couple squats as if limbering up for a run then drummed on the chest of her plate armor like a gorilla. Thickity thickity thwack. She grunted like a jock before a football game, and then a shockwave of wind burst out from her feet, casting rows of neatly-piled leaves into a frenzy. I nearly keeled over from the force of it.

“You’ll want to stand back,” Death said. “She gets quite belligerent like this.”

My grandfather and I took the recommendation, retreating several paces. I went a step further (several, really) and positioned myself behind the neighbor’s Mazda. Moments passed and Conquest continued to stand there, gazing up at Gos’sloth. I exchanged an awkward glance with my grandfather, who also evidently expected more to be occurring by now.

Then, Conquest extended an arm and a rusty battle axe formed in her grip.

“Cool axe!” I called out to my teammate, hoping to fulfill my duties as War and embolden my ally. No response. Conquest was clearly focused on the job at hand, and I admired that level of employee dedication. Still, I wasn’t entirely certain what staring at a monster in the sky while holding an axe was supposed to do.

So I hissed at Death, who was watching with a bored expression. “Is something meant to be happening?”

“Well," she said. "Gos’sloth has stopped the flow of time so no, not really in the strictest sense of the word.”

“But for us, I mean. Or Conquest?" I chewed my lip nervously, not wanting to stir up tension when I was still new at the job. I dropped my voice to a whisper. “What’s her role, anyway?”

Death yawned. “She’s our Vanguard.”

A burst of air stung my eyes and Conquest launched herself into the sky with all the speed of a rocket. I gazed up, slack-jawed in disbelief as the tiny girl began spinning in violent spirals, twirling her axe about her like a dislodged blender blade. A flash of light filled the sky, followed by a high-pitched tearing sound and Conquest burst through Gos’sloth. The Eldritch God squirmed, its shadows lashing about but Conquest zipped around them, bringing her axe down again and again, hacking the entity a part more thoroughly with every swing of her blade.

“Now that’s more like it!” Grandpa shouted, punching at the air.

I couldn’t help but grin myself. Perhaps this whole apocalypse business would be finished by supper and I could treat myself to a pint of beer and a microwavable shepherd's pie. “Well done!” I shouted. I was still getting the hang of this whole ‘emboldening my allies thing’ but I thought I was really coming into the role.

“Oh, no,” said Death. She was staring up at Conquest, who was still cutting Gos’sloth into ribbons. “That’s not good at all.”

“What is it?” I said, trying to determine what about this scenario could possibly be seen as anything but a win for team Horsemen. “Is Conquest getting tired? Should we get her some water?”

“It’s Bartrise,” Death said. “She’s here.”

Oh, Bartrise. I remembered Lucifer mentioning her as another Eldritch deity. He had said that Gos’sloth was here to devour the memory of this reality, so that when Bartrise swung by and annihilated us there’d be no spell in existence to reverse the process.

A scream pierced the sky. I looked up to see Conquest, having hacked Gos’sloth into pieces, now being swarmed by those pieces of shadow. Fragments of them were attaching to her, and even as she flung one of them free, three more would wrap themselves upon her.

“Alright,” Death said, looking at me gravely. “You’re up. Time for an army.”

“An army?” I stuttered, gazing up in horror. Pieces of Conquest's flesh were being torn off in strips. “I… I…”

“Hurry up and call forth the legions of Hell!” Death demanded. “Conquest can’t deal with all of that, we need more hands on deck."

“I’m afraid that I don’t actually…" My palms grew slick with sweat, and my mouth suddenly felt very dry, "... know how to.”

A body crashed to the earth in front of me, writhing in anguish as shadows pulled at its flesh and twisted around its limbs. Death sprang into action, attempting to wrestle pieces of shadow from Conquest’s form, and my grandfather stumbled over to lend a hand, but both of them were too slow. Too ineffective. Soon, they were both being coated in squirming shadows too.

I watched, paralyzed in fear behind the Mazda and hating myself. There was no use. Gos'sloth would have its due. How was I supposed to summon an army of Hell, anyway? How was I supposed to stop this? And why the fuck was Lucifer at McDonalds?

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