Last week he brought her over and I could overhear them talking. I left the next day to stay with my brother. I want to go home because he is my dad and I love him but this is all very upsetting and I dont know what to say to him. Any help would be nice.
Posted Oct 19, 2020, 8:56 PM UTC
Your dad is a human being with the same desires for love, affection and companionship just like anyone else. The loss of a spouse is hard, and people cope in many different ways. Some mourn for the rest of their lives, sacrificing their health and losing the desire to live and love, some yearn for the same feeling that they lost to try and hold onto hope and life. This doesn't mean that your dad doesn't still love and miss your mom, it means that he wants to feel whole in whatever capacity.
I know that this is incredibly difficult for you and probably quite strange and confusing, but all you can do is love your dad and try to understand how hard it is to not wake up next to her every day. You may be angry, confused, or even hurt but at the end of the day it's your dad who has to roll over to the empty space beside him. Good luck OP.
Thank you. You and everyone else in these comments helped me understand more about why he did what he did. I dont want to talk to him about it but I know I have to and I will be tomorrow. helped
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were mom and dad married when she passed, had mom been sick?
Yes. The past year was really bad for her. He is also technically my stepfather but he raised me from a very young age so I always called him dad. He's been a great father and a great husband for my mom.
I know this is hard, but remember that he is not trying to replace your mom. Some people find it helpful to grieve if they hang onto someone right away, others want to be alone for years. I would talk to him about how you are feeling. Remember that if she was going downhill for a while, he may have started detaching himself a bit a months ago, many do that when a spouse or loved on is falling to try to ease some of the later hurt.
Have you talked to him about this at all, let him know you were having mixed feelings?
No. I did text him today and tell him I'd be coming home tomorrow. He said I can come back whenever I want. He also text me on friday I guess to check on me. I really havent looked at it the way you said but I understand a bit more. It's just very upsetting and I dont want to talk to him but I know I have to. helped
remember that your mother would not want him to be alone and sad/crying forever. It has been 5 months and he had several months to prepare. I told my husband if anything happened to me I want him to find someone else as soon as he is ready, I would hate to think he felt he needed to wait some certain amount of time. From a psychology aspect, it is actually healthier if a person tries to move on sooner, this really is what is in the best interest for his mental health. He is not dissing your mom, but she is no longer here. No reason for him to have to be alone and remain miserable, that benefits nobody.
My cousin lost his wife while he had 5 young kids. Less than a year later his late wifes sister introduces him to a woman, saying he was too nice a guy to be alone. They got married a year later. HE still loves his wife that passed, still visits the cemetery with the family and talks about her with the kids, but he also has a nice life with a great woman who became a wonderful stepmom to the kids. This is all your stepdad is trying to do, try to have some normalcy in life again after his loss, it is not a personal hit against you or mom, please try not to see it that way.
I am so sorry for your loss, there are no right answers here, the pain is too great for all.
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I can only imagine what you are going through. You can only imagine what he is going though. you didn't lose the same thing that he did.
You both have got to find a way to move forward and find happiness in life.
I don't know what to say beyond that. If he is finding some kind of happiness don't interpret that as anything negative. I'm sure he still loves and misses your mom.
I know he does. It's just very upsetting. helped
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I think that's one of those conversations that sounds like it will be super awkward but is a huge relief once you have it. He may really need a companion right now. People work through things in many different ways. At the same time it's perfectly ok if his behavior feels like betrayal to you. That's why talking about it is good as it acknowledges everybody's feelings. It might not be easy but just talking to him might be a big help.
I haven't looked at it that way and I understand a bit more. I really dont want to talk to him but I know I have to. I text him today telling him I'd be coming home tomorrow. Thank you. helped
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