Source
r/OCPoetry•
Panopticon75

The Nudist Colony

Reading poetry on this subreddit is a bit like

Visiting a nudist colony:

Sure, the idea of it sounds nice,

All this exhibitionism -- the naked

Doing wobbly cartwheels, their dangly bits

Hanging out in the warm breeze...

Look how delighted they are,

like children, congratulating each-other

For being genuine and emotional,

all dancing in a circle jerking up down.

​

But seeing it up close you notice the shit

Stains, the matted hair, the fat rolls,

And the unwashed scent hits your nostrils (how they flare),

And you think to yourself:

Damn, all this nudity is unattractive,

And you remember the return ticket

In the pocket of your pressed trousers.

​

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Posted Nov 9, 2020, 5:39 AM UTC · edited

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[deleted]•

Ha ha Makes me giggle! imagine if the weather was perfect and everybody wanted to be naked all the time. Would we cease to be so sexually aroused by each other or would we be unable to think of much more than sex? Would we become a little more numb? I wonder.

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Panopticon75OP•

From what I understand about human nature, we’d likely be desensitized to nudity. Not a bad thing, imho

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[deleted]•

Probably! there alot of activities that would cause a little bit too much bouncing of body parts my goodness

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[deleted]•

i must add saying desensitized thrills me..associated D's make me feel good...im in love again sensitively

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imissratm•

New to the sub and this is the first poem that jumped out to me. It actually felt real while many others just seem like someone looking for a reason to put words on a page. You actually felt what you were writing and the poem came sometime afterward. I bet you’d been feeling this notion for some time before the poem ever came to be. If I’m correct then you conveyed that sense well. If I’m not then I’m still probably just new to poetry criticisms.

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Panopticon75OP•

Marry me ❤️ Ok, that was a bit premature. But yeah you nailed it. I sat on this feeling for a long time and this is my second go at expressing it. The other one can be found in r/ocpoetrycirclejerk

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abangbutawhimper•

all dancing in a circle jerking up down

really?

But seeing it up close you notice the shit

Stains, the matted hair, the fat rolls,

And the unwashed scent hits your nostrils (how they flare),

where's the cheetos dust? and the printing press in grandma's basement?

i'm not sure what to say, overall. i think i want to say about this poem what i don't go to the trouble of saying about many other poems: to write a poem, the first thing you need is something to say.

this poem describes something, but it doesn't really say anything about it. what if it asked, why are things this way? or even, how might things be instead?

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Panopticon75OP•

where's the cheetos dust? and the printing press in grandma's basement?

There is no need for additional imagery, which in my opinion would divert the focus of the poem. The lines say what they say in the most economic way possible (for me, a technically poor poet).

this poem describes something, but it doesn't really say anything about it. what if it asked, why are things this way? or even, how might things be instead

Contrary to your assessment, this poem both describes something (confessionary poetry sometimes seen on this subreddit -- hence the image of a nudist colony), renders a judgement, of sorts (second stanza, line 5), and points to a way out of the dilemma in the final line (the "pressed trousers" are a signifier signifying a return to form).

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Megwalsh9•

Ok, so I really like quite a lot about this poem. First my favorite line is the double entendre play with “all dancing in a circle jerking up down” it’s great, witty and made me smirk. Are they (1) dancing in a circle, jerking up down? Or (2) are they dancing in a circle jerking, up down. I appreciate the lack of clarifying punctuation which demanded I stop and pause and reread and chose my own interpretation. I felt that was smart. Though I may move up down to the next line all on its own for Impact—or leave it and add a hyphen like, “up-down” but for. I reason other then it feels right to me visually.

I also appreciate the last two lines that offer me a way out of this vulnerability that is sharing your original work; the visual of return tickets in my back pocket...to return back to safety was very satisfying.

Also I just like the correlation and imagery of wobbly cartwheels and dangly bits to describe the fumbling revealing process of sharing poetry—especially starting out. It’s exactly how it can feel to me. Really loved that line.

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abangbutawhimper•

the thesis of the poem is that the users of this subreddit (we) are losers and the line in question is about how we use the upvote/downvote feature on reddit to engage in circle jerking.

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Panopticon75OP•

You are incorrect. The thesis of this poem is directed at a narrow slice of confessionary poems sometimes seen on this subreddit. I myself have loved many poems I read here. I certainly am NOT calling anyone poet a loser. The thrust of the poem is to say that self-exposition is sometimes mistaken for self-expression.

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abangbutawhimper•

Reading poetry on this subreddit is a bit like

does this look narrow or broad?

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Panopticon75OP•

Broad, encompassing a narrow slice represented by the nudists.

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Panopticon75OP•

Thank you for engaging with the poem. I appreciate your reflections. The way you describe your thoughts on the poem is exactly how poetry must be thought about and read. Word choices and punctuation matter a great deal, or should matter a great deal. Unfortunately, with a narrow slice of self-confessionary poems sometimes seen on the subreddit, more attention is paid to the nakedness of the poet rather than the quality of the form of the poem itself.

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PoppyLivaciousWild•

I love this! And I completely get it...have literally months of experience both reading and writing poetry. I don't think I'm too bad (although I'd get a lot better quicker if I ever get the feedback) but I see so many comments on poems that really are quite poor and I start to think it's just not worth the effort. You've certainly done well to capture how I feel about this sub reddit Haha. X

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Panopticon75OP•

Thanks for engaging with the poem. Your personal experience with posting poems on the subreddit saddens me, and is one of the reason I am glad I wrote this poem. My overall intention was not to diss the entire subreddit, but to point out that a particular sub-genre of poetry often seen here, confessionary poems, seems more preoccupied with self-revelatory exposition rather than artful self-expression. And the comments which usually follow such poems are not helpful. Reading what you wrote, I realize that there is far more "disservice" being done to poets like yourself, who wish to improve, but do not get the kind of feedback that would foster such improvement.

Please, keep writing. And keep reading, and thinking about the poems that make you think. If you'd like, next time you wish to have a poem critiqued, send me a message. I will be happy to dissect it and praise it where it needs praise and point out areas of improvement where I can find them.

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PoppyLivaciousWild•

Thank you for the supportive words. Xx

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