Hey y'all! I've finally gotten started on this high fantasy? mini-series. This is my first try at a multipart story; feel free to tear this piece apart. The main things I'm concerned about here are if I do enough exposition for the characters and the world.
As always, any and all feedback is greatly appreciated!
Posted Nov 10, 2020, 5:08 AM UTC
General
Hi hi! This was an interesting read, however, I could not get a hold on the world we were in. I wasn't sure if it was in place of a human world, or like another world, or what time we were in. I think you're right that this piece really suffers from lack of exposition which hilariously enough, is something high fantasy really needs so we understand the world. I'll go in piece by piece later so I'll see you at the bottom :)
Mechanics
Looked clean to me. There were a few awkward sentences I noted in the doc. However, it looks like you have a good grasp on mechanics and grammar and spelling. What is good is that you don't have glaring mechanical issues so you can focus on the words you're actually writing.
Setting
Nonexistent. I just finished up the Queen of Nothing series, which is hardly high fantasy, but it is about the Fae and it is bursting with setting detail. This is a magical world, we as the reader have to feel that world so you need to describe the setting in rich detail. I'm going to quote all your examples of setting below and make a few comments on how you can ramp it up.
Nevermind, haha you've disable to quote feature. I suggest changing that next time as I won't be able to directly quote your lines. But I'll do my best anyway.
Let's start with the infant unit. All we know is that their are gloomy beds and it is a hospital so our mind is automatically going to go to a human hospital. What does a magical fae hospital look like? Are mushrooms growing out of the walls? Is there a faith glow about the beds as tiny pixies do their work? Do poisonous plants grow out of the beds that the Healer's couldn't save?
Next we enter a hallway which only definitive feature is photos of saved fae kids. Are the light fixtures filled with fireflies? Is there the smell of potions in the air that the characters are trying to avoid because only the sick should smell it? I know it is only a hallway but how can you use setting to tell us more about the world?
The next area is just a room. Literally. Just an assembly room. I think you get it by now that you can't just have...you know nothing as the description. We need to know more about every aspect of this hospital, of this room, of these kids, and right now we don't.
On page 2 we get an info dump of the hospital. I see you're trying to tell us more about the world and the setting. It is a little generic though right? Fae lights and darkness. Nothing that makes your world stand out.
Then you describe the common area. Literally as a room with a coffee table and a couch and some plants and tapestry. You can make this room have personality, by it's lack of personality. Can you compare it to another thing in the world? While students in the potions department spend their time on lush toadstools, the Healer's common room feels dead, and dank, almost as if they don't want to foster relaxation at all.
That is really all the setting we get, which is to say, very very little. Expanding the setting will do this piece the most justice, I believe. Like, even the scene where they eat food. Food is a huge part of Fae lore, and they eat..."cookies and other foods". Like that is a missed opportunity.
Characters
Honestly, they all sounded so similar, it is going to be a little difficult for me to distinguish them from one another.
Yiska - he is a Siren, very tall, talented Healer who loves the kids a lot. He is also humble. He is an 'oldie' inside though we don't really know what that means...He might be Citali's sibling but I'm not sure. He is an immigrant and grew up poor. That is all we know about him.
Citali - she is an imp with horns. She might be little silly. She believes in Yiska. She is hyper and excitable (but we only know that because Yiska tells us)
Keres - she is older. She is more wild.
I think the lack of info we have from these characters is because we have no meaningful dialogue or any meaningful scenes from them. Yiska and Citali talk about going ot the assembly and walk to the room. Then they walk down the hall. Then they walk to the common room. There is kind of a meaningful scene with the nectar, but it falls flat.
And I think that is because we don't know anything about their wants or needs. Does Yiska like being the best Healer? What is Citali's passion in life? Are they just trying to survive? What about Keres? What does she want in this life? We feel connected to our characters when we understand them. I don't understand these people.
Plot
No tension. It just is like you're floating through the scene. But you aren't even really setting the world-building so we leave in kind of a stupor of having no tension, no character building, and no world building. What is at stake for these characters? (that kind of falls back into the wants and needs section).
Dialogue
It is all VERY similar. These are essentially difference species right? Do they speak differently than each other? Are there quirks some have? If you took away all he dialogue tags, how would you know who was speaking?
Conclusion
I'm a sucker for Fae-shit. I love it. I want it injected into my blood stream, but the reason I like it is because fae lore is filled with so much rich history, rules, intrigue, world-building, and magic! I don't see any of that in your story. You use words like imp and potion and wings, but there isn't anything magical about your prose.
Magic it up. Give us the world building that we need. Inject tension into the scenes. And give us some real character development so we can start to care about the people we are reading about.
Hey selene-the-wanderer! Hope you'll find my critic useful. thanks for the read!
GENERAL I liked the flow. I felt the story was easy to read, and it was effortless to go from A to B. I felt there was a lot of potential for stories taking departure from it. But there are some issues that made it hard for me to follow the story, mainly dialogue, character development and use of tenses.
So yes, I do believe there could be more exposition for the characters and worldbuilding.
I really liked the sparks of colour added by some small details here and there. More of those.
I would also like to address a sensitivity issue. Because the point of view is hard to follow (not sure about who is talking in the paragraph mentioning immigrants) + because I don't know enough about the character who thinks that and their values + the paragraph is in itself hard to place in the story, there is no solid referential indicating how the character that is POV (talking or thinking) perceives immigrants. And because it's a matter of life and death for many right now, I think you should make sure the reader knows how to take those words.
DIALOGUE During the dialogues I wasn't always sure who was talking. Except when Citali and Yiska are alone, and even then at times, I'm not sure which of them is talking. They are hard to differentiate, they're not different enough.
Some things felt superfluous, while others felt sorely missed. For example, at the end, instead of hearing them talk of splitting drinks, I'd rather hear them talk of their past, why they're nostalgic, and their dreams, and how their aspirations clash with their present circumstances in some way, through a personal lense, so that I can learn about their internal conflicts.
CHARACTERS Generally, the characters lacked dimension. I know a couple of things about what Yiska doesn't like or doesn't wants, but not what he wants, desires or burns for. The other characters could also benefit from being more active. What do they want at each point of the story? what is their personal motive? How do these motives conflict? And what's the tension with their life and surroundings? Why is the award important?
Yiska: The transition from the start of the ceremony to the celebration felt a bit abrupt. Yiska felt rather passive to me for most of the story, carried along by Citali.
I wasn't sure if Yiska was an infant or an adult-creature kind of character at first. "They were precious lives, not some problematic data points." VS "The soft lullaby doesn't help much. When he can hear it." For me, the vocabulary in the first one clashes with the second one.
Citali: I read the text several times trying to project that character in my mind and I still can't, so I believe that character needs to be clearer.
PLOT The sparse visual form of the text and the short paragraphs feel a bit airy at times, which works with the fairy/magic realm kind of story it is.
It's not clear for me why Yiska seems nervous not to get an award, although he's won 5 and is sure to win another.
I like how Citali stands up for Yiska.
The paragraph after "Citali just smiles." feels a bit too much like "telling" - I feel the message present in the paragraph would benefit from being shown through the character development.
SETTING I like that the story happens through the night, and the opening scene is evocative. After that, the setting is hard to follow, it goes too fast.
Not enough interactions between the characters and the setting.
LANGUAGE/GRAMMAR/SYNTAX I had issues with tense, character location and description. I just wished it was easier to imagine the protagonists, since the action is centered around them. About tense, it feels like it increased the divide between showing and telling, as the showing part often uses present tense, and telling parts use a past tense. That made the reading less fluid.
I think the text in general is easy to read and well digestable. Visually the short paragraphs are appealing and easy to go through. The sentences are short and simple, also easy to read. So is the syntax, very simple. BUT, it translates rather adult notions at times, so I feel there's a gap there, or at least it disturbs my reading.
So it feels like it could be for a younger audience, but then the story doesn't feel that way.
Thanks for taking the time!
there could be more exposition for the characters and worldbuilding
You're definitely not the first to mention this, and for good reason. I'll definitely have to work on that.
And because it's a matter of life and death for many right now, I think you should make sure the reader knows how to take those words.
Good point. I think I'll just leave this part out, it doesn't play a huge role in the story.
So it feels like it could be for a younger audience, but then the story doesn't feel that way.
That'll be a failure on my part haha. It's definitely intended for an older audience. Looks like I need to work in some more complex sentence structures? Or at least give it more variation.
As a first chapter
While I get that you're trying to establish characters and setting, not much really happens in this chapter. While the in media res trope is a little played by now, I do think it's important to establish some semblance of conflict as soon as possible (I try to do it within the first two paragraphs.) If the inciting incident doesn't happen immediately, you should at least start building toward it from the get-go.
Introducing settings and character HAS to happen at some point, but I suggest piquing the reader's curiosity first (see: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HVkQifId0EA), then giving them the necessary information (this is one major advantage of in media res; the player actually LOOKS FORWARD to these expository details.)
World-building
From my first readthrough, it sounds like you're really trying to use Show, Don't Tell by showing some candid slice-of-life interactions between your characters. This is fine, but the use of Show Don't Tell often feels as though it doesn't show OR tell enough. We get our first big chunk of real world-building on page 3:
Where would they be? Lost in the seas of immigrants; all fighting for the same jobs and housing.
The whole paragraph that follows this sentence tells us more than everything else we've learned up until this point. We know that immigration and unemployment are serious issues, and this in turn tells us that the characters live in a country that, while troubled, is still a place that immigrants want to live.
It's good you talk about how past patients were treated. "Potions, incantations, and braces" hints a mix of fantasy and technology.
The bits and pieces you sprinkle in about the different races (sirens, imps, pixies, elves, fae) are good, keep 'em coming and hint at more than just the anatomy of the characters. Are any of these races discriminated against? Might we see second-class races working low-paying service jobs?
Atza wasn't the first or the largest, but it had made a name as the most successful in treating miasma poisoning.
When? Was there a particularly bad epidemic at some point? This would tell us how old the hospital is. You might also slip in some detail about how many hospitals there are in this region, to give a sense of how big it is.
Last note on world-building, we find out that the hospital is integrated with a school, but it happens kind of late. Putting it earlier would help with clarity. You might also try to use this as a tool to hint at how old the characters are (and the lifespan of the races in question.)
Line-by-line
Night shifts in the critical infants’ ward are not much better than the morning ones. Where the constant movement of Healers brought life in the day, the rows and rows of beds fill with gloom at night.
Contradicts itself. Night shifts are "not much better" but immediately after you juxtapose "life in the day" and "gloom at night." Might as well just say night shifts are worse. Also, "critical infants' ward" is not the best phrasing. Couldn't you just say Nursery Ward? Or is it important that it's an intensive care unit?
The soft lullaby doesn’t help much.
Again, let's get some world-building in here. Is some enchanted instrument playing 24/7, or is it some tacky music coming out of a speaker?
“Right. Like you haven’t noticed how much Healer Isme praises you. You’d think you were her kid or something.” She gives him a sharp grin. “Besides, you already won the last five, who’s to say you won’t get this one too?”
If I were Citali I would probably have said the last sentence first. People will usually lead with the most compelling reason first.
“I saw others from your ward ages ago.”
"[Name] is from your ward and he was here ages ago." Feels more personal and rolls off the tongue more naturally.
Scene change in page 2 seems weird. The first scene sets up the reader to expect Yiska to win Trainee of the Season, and then the narrative randomly skips over the actual ceremony to afterward. You can imply certain things with context and hand-waving, but it's not a good idea to do that if the reader has been primed to expect that scene to happen. This scene could also establish character dynamics.
How does Yiska react to being TotS? Is everyone else happy for him, or are a few jealous? Getting a read on the characters (Citali, Yiska, Keres) is hard because they all get along and there's no friction between them, aside from us learning that Yiska seems to be meticulous when it comes to his job, as well as conservative when it comes to drinking(?)
I'd also like to know just how big of a deal TotS is. In a lot of workplaces, stuff like Employee of the Month is a lame corporate gimmick to make people work unreasonably hard, and the person that earns it is seen as a brown-noser. But Keres genuinely finds Yiska being TotS worth celebrating. So what's the significance of the award? Seeing the characters' reactions is not enough, in my opinion (it sounds like Yiska doesn't take it too seriously, maybe you should lean into this harder to further establish his character.) This not only tells us about the characters, but whether the workplace environment is friendly and familial, or toxic and insular.
But even if we don’t have night duty, we’re still up early tomorrow.
What's Yiska doing in the morning? You can use this space to tell us more about Yiska's job responsibilities and schedule.
Soon enough, a comfortable conversation settles between them.
This chapter exists for us to get to know these characters. Why would you handwave this?
Hey there Kevine! Thanks for taking the time.
I'm actually in the middle of rewriting this (and by rewriting I mean scrapping Tots altogether, changing the POV, etc.), but I agree with most of your points. There's definitely a lot more world building I should do:
When? Was there a particularly bad epidemic at some point? This would tell us how old the hospital is. You might also slip in some detail about how many hospitals there are in this region, to give a sense of how big it is.
Definitely gonna be added into my rewrite.
We know that immigration and unemployment are serious issues, and this in turn tells us that the characters live in a country that, while troubled, is still a place that immigrants want to live.
That's pretty much what I was going for, though maybe less on the troubled side. The idea is that this country is a safe haven of sorts - the Elves found a way to keep their land/air mostly miasma-free. And due to a recent (like several generations sort of recent) miasma wave, many different species ended up immigrating here.
Are any of these races discriminated against? Might we see second-class races working low-paying service jobs?
Yes indeed. I'm still thinking on how much I'll ention it/ how much it'll play into the story, but my current outline focuses more on the problems of the system rather than these issues.
Background: Hello, I am a PhD candidate with a purely stem background. I took a creative writing class for my undergrad. Also, I wrote this earlier but forgot to post it so forgive me if some of it changed. Overview: Great intro, poor and confusing plot structure. In general, I liked the characters and I was hooked, I would probably continue reading even if I didn't have to as a critique. But I became continually more disinterested as the story moved forward. I would highly recommend you outline the exact movement and ideas of the story before rewriting.
Now for specifics
Introduction: Mostly grammar and tense errors. Hated is past tense whereas are is present tense etc. In terms of character introduction, I tend to prefer the main character immediately being likable or hatable - something that gives an emotional connection to the main character.
Thick of it: Confusion, lots of confusion. The thing you do with the sounds, Lullabies, Silence Crying- just don't. It seems incredibly amateurish. There are some plot holes such as Yiskha can (should it be can't) hear the hearing the crying and the part about the melodies. Citali is poorly portrayed. I swear I thought he was a baby or toddler until you explicitly say it. Include something like he kicked something or swore, something that a toddler wouldn't do. Also, side note I don't even know if Yiskha is a boy or a girl. I thought girl for the longest time, but
Dialogue: Problematic at best, amatuer at worst. It feels like there is an emotional distance between the characters and their own words. Tag the speaker or include the person's name at the end of the speech.
Characters: If you asked me to tell you about any of the characters I would be like "wait which one did __" because they are so similar and not super interesting. I would recommend adding nuanced complexity through short introspection or just remove excess events/characters if you have a word count limit.
Tension: Not applicable. Yishka gets an award - talk about anti-climatic. It's as if I am watching Wolf of Wall Street and Jordan makes a deal with the feds and gets out with his money and power. Like seriously include some drama or conflict. For such a short piece I would recommend external conflict as internal conflict and exposition struggles in short pieces.
Conclusion: I am sorry if this was mean, but I didn't like it (that) much. There is a seed of an interesting story and I think you are a good writer- you just need to flush out the drama.
Critique time, let's do this;
General
I loved the way you started. Hospital, infants ward. It's a very different way to start a fantasy story. I was very excited about where it could go.
But then I just got confused. I struggled to follow the characters, I didn't connect with them, and was constantly pulled out of the story.
That was the first read. I'm going to break it down as I read it again, highlighting the things that stick out to me.
From The Top
As I said before, I like where this first paragraph is going. There are some niggles with changing tense (hated and were, making it past tense, but before are and all look indicating present tense.) That made me think about the tense, pulling me out of the story.
The imagery of rows of beds representing problematic data points and your introduced character Yiska hating it is nice. I would focus on that. It gives me a reason to like Yiska.
I would also just leave it as 'Yiska hated that.' Drop thought, it softens the statement.
And again, To use "Yiska hated that" of course you'll need to be in the past tense.
The Second Paragraph
Here's where you start to confuse me. It seems like you're trying to create a hierarchy of unpleasant sounds; Lullabies, Silence and Crying. But, it's not clear.
Why does Yiska worry when he can hear the crying? Shouldn't it be can't? Later you go on to say he prefers the gentle melody over the crying.
Here Comes Citali
On my first read-through, I assumed Citali was an infant. You paint a picture of a infants' ward, talk about how the nights and children crying, then introduce a character by saying a hand waved. I assumed it was an infant hand, especially since the next part says 'Citali smiles up at Yiska' - it creates a picture of an infant lying in a cot, waving her arms to get her caregivers attention and then smiling when she sees the caregiver.
Nothing about what you've written to that points would tell me otherwise. It's ambiguous. When I later discover Citali is not an infant, I'm confused.
Confusing Dialogue
Then comes the first dialogue, and it seems to confirm my assumption that Citali is an infant. On a re-reading, it makes more sense that "Let's go. The Other Healers are already here" is Citali speaking, but because you didn't add a 'Citali said', I continue in my assumption, and think it's Yiska.
This pattern of misunderstanding who the speaker is continues as you almost never tag the speaker. I understand it gets monotonous to say "Bla bla bla" Character said. But you do need to make sure the reader understands who is saying what.
The Elbow Thing
Then comes Citali's elbow catching Yiska's wrist, or the other way around, I can't remember. I can't remember, because it's just not something I can picture. I'm still picturing the infant. I think Yiska is trying to pick up Citali. I'm confused as to the action happening.
Ok, Citali is a strange infant
Then we get to the bit where Citali pulls him along and rolls her eyes. Now I'm really confused. Citali is an imp, but I'm still thinking infant. Maybe in your world infant imps are pretty big, toddler-like. I dunno. It's just not clear.
Yiska talks
Now Yiska talks, and I realise I've got it wrong. I go back, I re-read the previous paragraphs trying to make sense of what's happening. At one point I'm not sure if Yiska is male or female anymore, as I try to reconcile what is going on. It all seems a bit silly as I write this now, knowing that Citali and Yiska are both adults, but I kid you not, I was really this confused on my first read-through.
They meet up with Keres
Before this, there are the walking descriptions, and I'm getting a sense for your world, but there's nothing that really grabs me. Then a dialogue between three characters starts, but again it's not clear who is saying what.
In general, I think it's ok not to tag speech when there are only two speakers and they go back and forth. Add a third, and unless it's SUPER clear that one speaker is changing the flow of a conversation, you must tag the speech, or it gets confusing. Here's an example;
If I didn't want to tag Greg's speech, it could go like this.
But even then, I'd probably still tag a 'greg replied' in just to be clear.
Bring The Drama
Ok, the ceremony is over. Wait.. what? The ceremony is over? I'm expecting this story to go somewhere. There's got to be a conflict. But it's all queued up for Yiska to get the award, and well.. he gets the award.
There is zero drama. No hook, nothing to draw me in any more. The only reason I'm going to keep reading from here is that I'm going to critique it.
So I read more.. but I don't know. There's not much more to say. Without a discernable hook, I'm really not interested in the characters any more. There's probably some things that could be said about grammar, world choice, that kind of thing, but there's no meat, so as a reader, I would have abandoned it already.
Conclusion
Find a reason to make your reader care about this story. You've clearly got some characters you care about, make the reader care about them too. Without tension and release, there is no entertainment. The release doesn't exist without the tension, so it all just feels pretty flat.
Thank you so much for taking the time. You make very valid points.
This honestly didn't even occur to me, but now that you point it out, I can see it too. I'll definitely have to go through and fix that.
Very true haha. When I did essays for school, my parents used to say that it takes me about half the word count to get to the point. I guess I ended up doing the same thing here. I kinda wanted this scene to be an introduction to the charas/location, but these scenes end up being not important at all? So I think I'll rewrite it, jump straight to the start of the conflict, and build up the characters at the same time.
Anyway, thanks again and see you around.