[566] Crack

HOOK:

We have a small window above the sink where the sunlight seeps through.

Not a great hook. A bland sentence that involves details of kitchen design. It doesn't tell me what the story is about, it doesn't drop me into the action, it doesn't prompt any questions in my mind, except for "who cares?", which isn't a question you want the reader to start off with.

I'm not someone who insists that the hook "makes or breaks" your story. I do think it's important for it to provide some sort of lead-in that eases the reader into their immersion into the writing. It has to be at least a bit interesting.

I think you have some interesting imagery and phrasing in this story, and I think you can slightly rework the next bit into a more effective hook. Something like this might work as the first line:

Past the pane, beyond the front gate, the block bared itself like a little movie in pine colored casing.

To me that's an intriguing first sentence. It tells me right up front that I'm going to be encountering some interesting prose. It builds anticipation for the next line in a way that your current hook does not.

FIRST HALF/PROSE NOTES:

Minivans roll on clean pavements, kids in backpacks shuffle out their doors, and the rest of us drag off to work.

While I do enjoy the style of writing here, it feels unfinished and unpolished. If you cut a few words and rephrase, I think you'll come up with a stronger presentation. I'd suggest something like:

Minivans roll on clean pavement, kids in backpacks shuffle out of doors, and the rest of us drag ourselves off to work.

...or something similar. Always try to smooth out choppy wording and enhance flow in your text. Reading aloud is one piece of advice I can give you. I'm not sure if you've tried this, but it really helps me identify places that just don't sound right.

Charlie jogs out soon after him, rushes behind me and out the front, keys jangling in hand—sometimes, a suitcase in the other for those occasional weekend conferences (which he’ll frequently attend).

This is a great example of a sentence that really needs pruning. It's awkward and lacks cohesion with all the em-dash asides and parenthetical observations. Someone told me once that em dashes and parentheses should never be seen together in the same sentence. Not sure if that's true, but here they extend your description and that length is paid for in clarity and flow.

In a few places, it's just a word or two that needs to go.

In the evenings, the window frames around trees blackening against a dying orange light.

I'd cut the word "around".

Sometimes, it's a few words or a phrase.

Kids murmur outside the lifted glass while they peddle their bikes home before dinner, as they do every night.

Cut "as they do every night" and just add a period after "dinner" for a tighter, stronger sentence.

Other times the whole sentence is just awkward.

My body sways with my feet planted on the chair in front, paying little mind to the loosening leg and splintering wood.

This needs a rewrite.

The room is barely bright under the fading bulb

"barely bright" isn't a good way to express a lack of light.

It took a few days, fumbling with the lever and slumping into its sunken cushion, until the damage was obvious—even to Charlie.

I like em dashes as much as the next writer, but that one should be a comma, I think. Not grammatically incorrect but the em dash makes distant what should be close, and in this case a comma would keep things more together.

BECOND HALF/OVERALL:
Look, there are some interesting things going on here. I enjoy the style (though it's half-baked sometimes) in passages like this:

He’s still wearing his work uniform, unlike me, wrapped in a periwinkle robe that compliments his navy. There isn’t much talking between us anymore, not like when we first met. Together in the room, the air hangs around us like a heavy fog.

That's good stuff. The only nitpick is the second instance of the word "his". What's wrong with just "a periwinkle robe that compliments the navy" or "the navy blue"?

In general the story caught my attention and I think when another few editing passes are finished it will have a great atmosphere and real style. Right now there is still some work to do.

We move against each other, tugging at our blend of blues.

"Blend of blues" doesn't sound right, in fact it's a kind of humorous image that wrecks the atmpsphere I mentioned earlier.

Outside the mesh—I don’t know how long—wide eyes stare at me

Replace "long" with "far".

DIALOGUE:
There is no dialogue in the piece. It's a good sign that I didn't really notice or miss it while I was reading. Your prose was able to hold my attention without it.

SUMMARY COMMENTS:
Near the end of your story, we encounter this:

Thud. Thud. Thud.

Onomatapoeia is difficult to get right, and when used should be used sparingly. Here (maybe because it's a short piece and it hasn't been used until near the end) it sticks out like a sore thumb. Just a few lines later, we have another instance:

Crack.

This one is more forgiveable, since the story is reaching its climax/end and the title of the piece is Crack, so it makes sense to have this word at the end. I would argue that the previous repeats of "thud" actually lessen the story impact of the word "crack" at the end. I think the "crack" should be the only use of onomatapoeia in the story. The other one comes across as gimmicky.

Overall, I do think this is good and has more potential than some other pieces of similar size. You have a voice and a style, which some writers struggle developing. But I don't think you can cut corners, you need diligent editing to make your work shine. I say that as someone who is a terrible first-draft writer. People like us need to work and work at it before something is ready to present, and I envy every day those writers (some of whom submit here) who can write a first draft and have it already be decent.

I did like this piece, though, and think it will be a lot better in second- or third-draft form.

My Advice:
-Edit everything to flow better. You have a problem with choppiness and meandering sentences in places.

-Maintain atmosphere and try to eliminate passages or phrases that break the tone you are trying to convey.

-Stay away from gimmicks, this piece doesn't need distractions.

I hope some of this is useful to you. Good luck as you edit/revise.

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Prose

It's quite good! No major issues really stuck out to me. I did have a few potential wording quibbles that could be entirely subjective, but might be helpful if shared.

The little movie plays on repeat and I watch it play.

This line doesn't seem to flow as nicely as the previous ones. Perhaps it's due to the introduction of story's POV as the second independent clause. "Every day I watch this little movie on repeat." feels better to me, but this could be entirely personal.

As quick as he comes, he struts out of view again

I generally don't view strutting as quick as it generally has slow or stiff connotations so this word choice feels slightly contradictory to me.

for those occasional weekend conferences (which he’ll frequently attend).

Again this feels contradictory, calling them occasional and frequent in the same sentence is perplexing. Unless your intent is to have the narrator contradicting themselves or seeing things as different than they purportedly are?

Like the cheap thing it is, it croaks and whines and shakes.

Does wood usually croak? This isn't a sound I've ever associated with wooden furniture.

Some extra wear could convince otherwise

This feels off as well. "Some extra wear could convince him otherwise." sounds more natural, or some other variation.

He’s still wearing his work uniform, unlike me, wrapped in a periwinkle robe that compliments his navy.

I had to read this sentence twice. The switch between describing his clothes to yours then back to his so rapidly feels a bit harder to follow then simply describing his then yours.

Outside the mesh—I don’t know how long

Mesh feels like such an odd way to describe this.

Characters

The main character of the bored housewife is developed quite well within the given pages. I don't know if this was necessarily your intent or a personal affectation but she came off to me at least as quite unlikeable. She ostensibly spends her days staring into the neighborhood and drinking without any real purpose, while working to damage the furniture until her other lover comes to join her. She is setup from the start (for me at least) as being unlikeable even before the rather late reveal of the man coupling with her as being not her husband so it does feel like this is likely your intention, planting at least some seeds of foreshadowing of her not being a particularly "good" person before the reveal.

As the other poster pointed out her interaction with the mail-man "there isn't much talking between us anymore" is a bit perplexing however. I feel that that line is an intended misdirection to make the reader think, for the time being at least, that the man who has entered is her husband Charlie. The loud and obvious nature of his arrival (parking right in front of her house and entering through the front door) serves to also reinforce this feeling of potential misdirection as one would expect them to be more circumspect. However, it does seem a bit peculiar that there would have been previously a lot of talking between the two, but not anymore. For a long married husband and wife, who spend their time arguing over the level of dilapidation of furniture this makes sense, but it seems out of place as a description for two people in a sordid affair of convivence who one would expect to have always revolved less around conversations and more upon the physical intimacy.

Plot

The plot, although simple is also well developed within the limited space. Your use of furniture as the focal point of what was broken with the housewife having one view on it's state (needing to be thrown out) and the husband another was quite effective and reinforced by it apparently breaking at the end. I interpreted this as the husband was if not unaware of the issues in their marriage, of the opinion that like the furniture it could be worked on/repaired. The wife, on the other hand felt that it was too far gone and needed to thrown out as evidenced by her working to damage it even further to a state that even he could see it.

Overall

Overall, your prose paint a vivid picture of the bored adulterous housewife with a grudge against damaged furniture, and the use of the furniture as a metaphor for the state of their marriage was quite apparent and neatly done. My main suggestions would be a few adjustments as mentioned to the prose, and some potential rationale for why the new lover would have talked to her much in the past but not anymore along with his lack of concern for being caught, which even though she doesn't seem to particularly care, one would expect him to to an extent.

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GENERAL REMARKS

Lovely prose telling the story of a woman, her husband and her lover, not to mention the furniture. I think it was done well and although the story has been told many times, I think you found a new angle with the furniture. So well done with that.

MECHANICS

It's interesting how our protagonist watches the world through a window, an orderly world, a movie playing, repeating everything in a Truman Show way. I think with your language you pain the mundane in an enjoyable way.

The title feels like you just named the piece something. I do that too.

Sometimes I felt the story was so packed with prose, not purple!, that it became a little hard to read. Maybe choose your moments or ease up the density somehow. however your piece felt very active and not especially adverb heavy, which was nice.

SETTING AND STAGING

The setting is the house and the view outside. The setting is the furniture. I think you can do more with that. describe more furniture, where they we bought, the role they played, memories attached. There's not a lot to work with otherwise. I believe the setting of a house and the view would suffice, but this story is about what takes place in the house so more hints there of the protagonsits mindset I think would do the story good.

I like how the staging leads to breaking things, in your story. The furniture that break and the relationship that is broken since a log time. the staging and interaction was well portrayed because of that symbolism. I liked it a lot.

CHARACTER

We don't get to go very deep with the protagonists mind at all, not necessarily a bad thing since you replaced that with other important details. But adding a bit of a personality to the protagonist could balance out a few questions that could be raised regarding her, whether she's likeable, whether she enjoys being unfaithful, if you do want to explain or hint, that's up to you, but I think you could work with the furniture here again, as that's why you named the piece like you did, and with the use of that dig into the character even more. The other characters apart from the protagonist are very plain which I think is a positive thing, this is her story, after all.

PROSE AND PACING

The pacing was even throughout and the prose was vivid and sometimes not so clear. The way you choose to focus in on details removes some of the glue between sentences so check that and see if there are any big jumps from sentence to sentence where you could add some not so dense glue.

CLOSING COMMENTS

Good original take on a story that's familiar to all of us. Lovely prose.