Thanks for the comments!

The description of Don’s eyes was meant to show his seeming innocence. Both Don and Pete are about the same age, I was thinking early-mid twenties (so maybe “boyish” is still okay). The crime happened on the previous day (“yesterday”), and Pete can’t bring himself to feel okay about it. In the story (“today”), Don’s nonchalance reminds Pete that Don’s always been like that. I guess I didn’t manage to pull it off the way I wanted to.

The story starts with Pete trying to not think about what he and Don did the day before. He wants to escape from the memory. In the ending, he wants to get away from Don (psychologically), because he doesn’t seem to have a soul (i.e. remorse). So he makes mental connections that takes him away (Don->people/souls->angry people on the road). This part was deliberately written this way, but based on your comments and others’ I should take another look.

To be honest i haven't ready crime before. But i think i get what you were going for.

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Overall comment

Parts of the story are a bit jarring and kept throwing me out of it and there was a lot of things i had to think about. But other than that it seems like a solid concept and your almost nailing the tone i think your going for.

Parts that had me confused

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>He got out a pack of cigarettes, but couldn’t find his lighter. So he just stared at his feet. His heart was still thumping like it wanted to jump out.

There is no concept of how soon after the event you mentioned, but the tone feels reflective and it seems strange that his heart would still be racing/thumping

>“Let’s get some food.”  
>  
>Pete wasn’t feeling hungry. Of all the things he didn’t feel like doing, especially today, getting something to eat was on the top of the list. “How’s Angela?”

Did they actually go get food or not? it doesn't say

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>“Whaddya mean?” Something glinted in Donny’s eye

Thank you for the comments.

I think another person commented on the heart still pounding thing. The robbery did happen on the previous day, but Pete’s still pretty shook up. Can’t people get heightened heart rate from remembering recent trauma? I’ll have to look this up.

I agree with the use of “atop.” It’s not even important that Pete sits on the very top step anyway, so I’ll probably change it to “on.” The front steps I was imagining had 4-5 steps total, so I felt okay having Don jump back after saying something from a foot away. You’re right, Don is acting silly here. Maybe I should make that clearer.

And yes, I meant to write “crumple,” not “crumble.” Thanks for catching that.

Ohhh, I get it now. Thanks for the clarification. Don’t worry, I won’t go chasing waterfalls.

:D

Oops. I'll drop that from my internet shorthand. TLC before the [music group](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/TLC_(group)) and [station](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/TLC_(TV_network)) was an [abbreviation](https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/tlc) for tender loving care used mostly for help to get better. I did not even think about it as jargon or antiquated, but it probably is. You might be surprised how often the shorthand gets used at my work for basically "needs help/give extra attention."

Hey thank you for the comments!

I binge read a bunch of detective fiction earlier this year (mostly Chandler & Hammet). Maybe Pete’s being in a brooding mood was an influence from those books.

You’re right, Angie is a victim of a hit-and-run. She’s still in hospital, and her boyfriend (Don) is helping to pay the bills. The guy who hit her (I guess based on what Angie said and what they found out) is the person that was “ripped off” by Pete & Don. 

The “What could I done?” was pretty much meant like how you read it. I wanted to show Don sensing a change of heart/accusation in Pete’s voice, and becoming defensive (i.e. “What else could’ve I done?”)

The bit about Don’s eyes seem like a miss with a lot of people. I’ll see if I can come up with something else. I was trying to show a really close POV with the next part, but I think it could be cleaned up more. By the way, what’s TLC?

I see what you mean about the ending. I wanted to show Pete’s mind getting successively farther from the

Thanks for posting. Caveat: Most of my “crime” reading is old school existential hard boiled stuff (Hammett, Cain, Chandler) so not really coming from a more current reader of the genre seeing how Leonard or McCarthy stuff does not really fit and is old now.

**Overall** Nice bit of mystery where the lack of explicit clarity pulled me wanting to know what’s what and who’s who. 

**Plot** Don gives Pete money for a recent crime. 

**Characters** 

Pete (POV) reticent?    

Don comic relief  and foil to Pete. Partner/Spouse to Angie? He seems to be actively involved with the bill for her.

Angie victim? Something happened to her and she is seemingly being revenged. Or, she is an inbetween-er kind of thing and someone wronged her and these two are sending the proverbial message? It seems implied she or something of hers is the victim of a hit and run, but given the little detail we have it really is all just loose (but in a totally coherent way).

These people on the sidewalk (pedestrians

Hey thanks for the comments.

A couple of other commenters also asked why Don seems to get so angry. He’s thinking about the guy that pulled a hit-and-run on his girlfriend, and he’s also getting irritated by Pete’s question that maybe shows sympathy towards the guy they robbed (=the hit-and-run guy) or remorse.

Background: I think looked at this story last night, but am just posting it now. I don't read much crime and my perspectice is from a younger person (26). 
Overall: I think you have a husk of a good story but there are definetely parts that do not flow well and there is more that needs to be fleshed out. I liked the mood you created and overall I wanted to countinue reading this.

Setting: sprinkle in a bit more description so we better understand the time frame of the story. 

Specifics

“Whaddya mean?” This description seems childish and made me laugh. I see what you are attempting, but the dialogue is jarring. 

" He’d always been like that since they were kids—opposite things like fight and flight coexisting without breaking apart. Like fact and fiction. Yesterday and today." Unlike a previous critique, I like this imagery and metaphorical significance.

 
"So he just stared at his feet. His heart was still thumping like it wanted to jump out." this part takes me out of the mood yo

Maybe you could make a comment about him holding a cigarette that had burnt down to the filter and he had no memory of lighting or puffing. 

Put it before he looks for his lighter. That way he looks absent minded and distracted.

Thank you for the comments!

And the way you’ve summarized the story is pretty much exactly as I was visualizing it. Late autumn/early winter, both characters in their early-mid twenties.

About Don’s reaction to Pete’s “Shut it,” maybe I’ll change “jumped back” to “hopped back, landing on on one foot” or something. I meant to show Don being silly.

You’re right that Pete’s agitated at the beginning (from guilt or sick of having committed a crime) and he gets more introspective at the end (because he realizes that he can’t really understand Don, and that he’s the only one who feels guilty, he wants to get away from the conversation, mentally).

I wanted to show that mental dissociation. So his mind wanders farther and farther away from the conversation and things in his immediate surroundings. Maybe I need to figure out something else...!

I read through this story maybe 4 times. I like the scene. It feels cold, even though you don't describe the temperature. In general I like this and it makes me want to read more. I want to know more about Don, Pete, and I especially want to know more about Angela's accident.

Kurt Vonnegut gave the advice that a writer should "Start as close to the end as possible". Your story embraces this idea. I learn about things that have happened, character's motivations revealing during the dialogue, and I learn about future events and conflict. 

On to the critique...

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>sidewalk cared either, either way, a hundred percent.

This sentence is kind of clunky. With the same word right next to each other it relies on the punctuation too heavily. Its confusing.

>“Whoa.” He jumped back a bit, palms out. 

What made him jump? An aggressive tone? Something in Pete’s actions? Words? 

>crumble 

Did you mean crumple? Like paper or crumble like piecrust? 

>“What could I done?”

Is this a mann

Hi not a critique but a good story overall

Overall a nice story. Your dialogue is the strongest point; the description is pretty good as well but can improve somewhat. The mood you created was a strong point and I want to read more of this story. 

Setting: somewhat unclear. Get us some more so we can immerse ourselves deeper into the story. 

Characterization 

Pete seems to have two small differences in characterization that don’t wind up. He’s described in a tense mood in the beginning but then some of his actions are impassive and give the impression of someone who’s numb. There is no effluent transformation into this. 

Comments 

“The dusk began to cover the world in comfortable darkness.”

There is no particular reason to use the word “the” before dusk. Also, this story in its essence isn’t meant to be comfortable. I would like it if you could explain what about the darkness makes it comfortable. I would advise you to use a synonym here. You’re telling me, the reader, but I don’t know why. Stretching it out, dusk never c

I’ve flaired it “crime,” but the said crime doesn’t actually happen in the story. It’s more of a quiet moment after the fact. Any and all comments welcome!

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[Crit (868)](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/jnozq9/868_the_wooden_shack/gb73sf2/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=ios_app&amp;utm_name=iossmf&amp;context=3)

[547] Tomorrow