I'm not sure exactly why I used dashes, it just feels right. Normally I wouldn't but.. Yeah.

I opened this and was a little intrigued by your choice of dialogue tags, and just skimmed the story because I'm going to work soon.

As a genuine question, what was your reasoning behind using dashes? There are numerous exchanges (especially the Soldiers Choruses) where the dialogue comes in rapid bursts like gunfire, which I thought was stylistically appropriate for the story you're telling. However, where the dialogue is longer and more complex, or there's only one or two lines, I felt the dashes and lack of speaker attribution was distracting compared to a traditional format.

I usually don't reply to critiques, the text should speak for itself. But I thought I would comment a little on your excellent feedback. This story basically wrote itself. I just sat down one night, after watching 10 Cloverfield lane, and started with Janet removing her sunglasses. By the time I got to Butterfly I had figured out the mirrors of this story and how to wrap things up. I wrote it all in a couple of hours. I changed some minor things like the fate of Ronny in editing stages but largely the story remains as it was in the beginning. I laughed a lot while writing. I think it's a story very true to my sense of humor. At the same time I tried really hard to emphasize the different events basically playing out the same way of both sides and no way to tell the victor. The fact that Butterfly was and Janet will be stomped to death, both generals are ill, both sides have a secret weapon, the deserters, they're at a standstill, and so on, was important segments for me to try to get r

Thanks for posting. Not going to lie, this piece really threw me for a loop. I feel like there is an inside joke involving a cipher and I am just outside understanding. I don’t even know how to properly write a critique for this. Is this meant as a piece of humorous fantasy kind of fiction or satire? It felt like reading an AI describing bits of a Vietnam War PTSD flashback on happy pills with no emotional depth, but with a purpose and theme that did not completely read random. I would really like to know what the aim/goal/intent of this story is from you. I am not submit this as a critique for review when I submit, but I have questions.

**Absolute confusion** What is this setting or this genre? I have guns, sunglasses, kill machines, apprentices, but no artificial limbs or medical treatments for a quadruple amputee general who goes by Mr Gregor? I feel like I just did a tab, drank some shroom tea, and snorted anti-seizural drugs followed by a chaser of enough haldol to stop a rutting

Approved. If you were over 3500 words I'd probably squeeze you for another crit tho.

Mods: I've reviewed 771 words of this, not sure if I'll critique more later. I hope partial critiques count.

I've read about halfway through. This is an odd one - it has moments that really shine, and parts that don't work at all for me.

> Janet lowered her gun and removed her sunglasses.

This is ok, but could be more descriptive. "Removed" is quite a clinical verb, even "took off" would be better imo. There's a mechanical question of how many hands Janet has - she's in a warzone, shooting at (spoilers!) "birds", which would make me think of a big gun that uses two hands. But the first sentence makes me think of a (one-) handgun. I still don't know which you meant. If the former: "Janet rested the tip of her rifle on the ground and took off her sunglasses with one hand." (with the implied other hand resting on the gun) or maybe even "Janet rested her gun in the crook of her elbow and pulled off her sunglasses."

> The birds flying in and out of the smudged horizon were her only targ

**General remarks**

This was a read. You have a lot of work to do if you wish to improve, but don’t take that as disheartening. Instead, view it as a goal to be achieved. I hope these comments will help.

Most of these comments have been made as I read through the story. Others have been added after I read the other review, and, more importantly, your comment. While others have pointed that this might seem as absurdist or trippy, I would not characterize it as either, and nor is it messy to prove the messiness of war, though all of these arguments could work. From your comment, it does not seem that is what you aimed for.  

**Prose & mechanics**

I liked the opening line, but the rest of the paragraph did not live up to its expectation, sadly. What I lacked was discretion. The most off-putting word choice was “annihilated”, which has become an overused word that lacks any positive connotations, and instead of pulling me in I feel pulled out of the story. My best tip here is to try to

A three year old text I decided to edit and post. Any and all feedback welcome. Thanks in advance! 

CRITIQUE
(3814)
https://old.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/jxbtrp/3814_coriander_lemon_rind_deer_musk/gcxtpjg/
(Continuation)
https://old.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/jxbtrp/3814_coriander_lemon_rind_deer_musk/gcxw6qv/

Please let me know if the critique is not sufficient


STORY
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HR-HYg35cr_i7Ttyjrtz51GZYjcL7N2CBQ3cAdwX2jc/edit?usp=sharing

[3301] Battle Inferno