23Old and I read the diary of my friend, as if I'm a teenager again...

I feel so immature. You know the feeling when you do something and it remembers you of yourself, but younger and sadder. And it makes you feel like you keep being the same person. Even when you try so hard not to be, sometimes you even feel like you are actually evolving; Well by reading his diary, I afterwards felt like 12 again. A total setback.
Honestly, reading some scrabbles of him was not even bad. We drifted apart and our interactions changed for the worse. By reading them it showed me that we think so alike and that he is not only the cold person as he comes across lately. I know he is going through some shit, as we all do as afraid, soon to be, grown ups. And by reading his short handwriting I realised that I owned him to be the one who dared to start the conversation about how we changed.

Those scrabbles where 3 years old and laid between his old school books, I was honestly not looking for them. Reading those was already very very very debatable.

But then I got full stupid and searched for his recent stuff. Those where coherent writings, as the others were just little pieces of thoughts. These were on the other hand very personal. I robbed him of his mysteries, also of mine. Because I read shit that was totally not relevant to me, but was about me and a girl who had a crush on me. I didn't know. He wrote about how he loved her, but was conflicted if it was lovelove or friendshiplove. How he had his first sexual interaction with her and how nice it was. And I felt so so sick, this was his and I robbed him. Because he wrote how he decided not to tell us because that would eliminate the change of me and this girl to maybe get together.
This is not relevant, because I never knew until now and knowing this will not change anything, it doesn’t make me longing for her. It happened some time ago. Time didn't stand still. I think her feelings for me then, aren't relevant anymore now. Those go away. She has now a boyfriend for some time. It doesn't make me feel like, shit if had known, what could have been. I didn't sense here feelings towards me, with a reason. So me not knowing, was how is was supposed to be.
I violated his privacy badly, it was his experience he chose to keep for himself. But somewhere, I get so proud of him, how he liked it, how he is proud that having this sexual interaction didn’t change their friendship. Btw, this is not the reason why we drifted apart, we were already on weird terms. So it is not by reading it, al pieces came together, the contrary actually.. It was not our story, it was his.

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I feel stressed and reckless, but I guess this is the price I have to pay by being a stupid kiddo who stepped over the line. First cautious and then I kept walking further away from the line until I fell of the cliff.
I will not allow to make it worse, I'm conflicted by knowing this things, but that's on me, and it's on me to let it go. I promise to try to rethink this on my own and to not to discuss with anyone else. I guess this is my way to send the promise out in the world.