In the opening stanza I feel in love with the triple rhyming -angs that create a beat so readily for my mind. I struggled before it to capture you beat, part of me things taking “on” from line 2 and allowing it to hang off the end of line 1 would begin to give that sense of pause before the beats that would even better flow the mind into your poems pace. I found in most places where you had a bridging word like so or and or in you left it on the line before except for this opening one.
I liked the vision of this fallen Angel as bringing a storm but that this storm was also so beautiful that perhaps you could justify the storm he makes as he flies by. The stanza that followed it seemed to increase the beat, the rhythm was like rain pounding and the heavy wings flapping.
I was unsure about the word galvanic. I had to look it up and also for me it didn’t have a good mouth feel.
when you reached this first apex where you knocked down the angel of your own will, I feel surprised it led to a depression and a locking in. I had imagined somehow in the opening that I would find this malevolent creature had taken you up in its beautiful storm only to hammer you with your feelings. In his falling I imagined you’d overcome but instead I see you fallen with him.
There are a couple of stanzas in the center end that feel like you lose the mystical experience and it gets fairly mundane usages of i and me which take the edge of the deities representation of you down a few notches but then you come back roaring in the finaling.
Overall a lovely work. I would maybe just come back to it a few times to brush up its building and it’s crescendo but there is so much power and beauty in the forms and intents. Thank you for sharing.
In the opening stanza I feel in love with the triple rhyming -angs that create a beat so readily for my mind. I struggled before it to capture you beat, part of me things taking “on” from line 2 and allowing it to hang off the end of line 1 would begin to give that sense of pause before the beats that would even better flow the mind into your poems pace. I found in most places where you had a bridging word like so or and or in you left it on the line before except for this opening one.
I liked the vision of this fallen Angel as bringing a storm but that this storm was also so beautiful that perhaps you could justify the storm he makes as he flies by. The stanza that followed it seemed to increase the beat, the rhythm was like rain pounding and the heavy wings flapping.
I was unsure about the word galvanic. I had to look it up and also for me it didn’t have a good mouth feel.
when you reached this first apex where you knocked down the angel of your own will, I feel surprised it led to a depression and a locking in. I had imagined somehow in the opening that I would find this malevolent creature had taken you up in its beautiful storm only to hammer you with your feelings. In his falling I imagined you’d overcome but instead I see you fallen with him.
There are a couple of stanzas in the center end that feel like you lose the mystical experience and it gets fairly mundane usages of i and me which take the edge of the deities representation of you down a few notches but then you come back roaring in the finaling.
Overall a lovely work. I would maybe just come back to it a few times to brush up its building and it’s crescendo but there is so much power and beauty in the forms and intents. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much! I’m fairly new to writing poetry so I really appreciate all the advice!