Wandering Minds (feed back plz)
A mind that wanders forevermore,
Like eyes looking through many doors.
To press and ponder,
To sit and weep.
While darker Shadows slowly creep.
The sound of silence that is oh so sweet.
Because a mind that wanders is oh so weak.
For a mind that wanders forevermore,
Will forever travel down that long and narrow corridor.
I sit and i ponder forevermore
Because i use to walk down that same corridor,
And the things i saw will haunt me forever and more
Because those lessons not sought
Are forever sores.
More will come
And some will fade
But yet the pain will still remain.
And for this the mind is sure to blame.
For a mind that wanders forevermore,
Will forever walk down that long and narrow corridor,
And continue to open those same doors
Where the pain remains forevermore. 1
Posted Nov 29, 2020, 10:21 AM UTC
Overall I felt this had a great flow and beat, the rhythm played very naturally in my reading. The overall meaning was not lost for me, and I really enjoyed the visualization I incurred of a mind-like eye floating through these walk ways and staring into the open doorways, lost. An eternal sort of thing.
I was a bit bothered by the second use of corridor because it came so soon after the first which was a very stable line for me that was beginning the shed this light on we have the eyes looking in the doors outlined in the beginning of the poem. The second indicator you had also walked down the same places was valuable but for me using the same word felt like it removed my ability to really sink into you also being in that place.
I also felt some unsure sensation over the use of forevermore at the end when you have introduced the idea of forever AND More earlier which began to give a sense of an eternity BEYOND forever. But using the softer forevermore after feels like it reduced the length of time inscribed in it.
As I read to the end I wonder if the doorways were always only sad memories, I wonder if we could choose what doors to open and which doors to close, is every wandering mind always going to find sadness and sorrow and stuckness or can we shape our hallways to our liking so our minds can wander the best gateways in our mind?
This is my first post here, and my first time trying poetry outside of a school setting. This is why i thank you kindly and appreciate you taking the time to read this. :)