[2310] One Who Walks with the Stars : Arthur's Introduction [3]
G’day RDR gang.
Link
I hope you’re in the mood for some nice, chilled out dialogue, because I’ve got a bucketload for ya. This extract is the final in the three-part introduction that has been progressively posted over the last two weeks. It occurs directly after this prior submission, with the two separated only by line-break. For a summary of relevant information:
Arthur, a depressive burnt out sad-sap with an unexplained (presumably traumatic) backstory, has just fallen asleep at the wheel of his forklift while working a long factory shift. In doing so he nearly skewers the factory foreman, a characteristically vile man named Norman, who physically accosts Arthur. Leon is a previously mentioned but not introduced coworker. All three of these characters are of the same working class socio-racial demographic, as original inhabitants of the planet. The Union is the latest in a series of states to rule over the planet, their ownership commencing just ten years prior.
Besides this, essentially all relevant information should be provided in the dialogue. If the writing doesn’t focus on it, you can probably assume it’s not important.
My main dilemma for this extract [and for this piece in general] is Arthur. He’s a problematic character at heart, but what I’m specifically concerned about here is how well his thoughts and feelings are represented on the page. It’s been an issue in the past and we’re now getting to the stage where more of his mind is being unravelled, so I’m not at all confident that it’s working well [if at all]. Otherwise, tear it apart.
For the mods: 3190 banked from prior critiques + 1489 – 2310 = 2369 banked
I’m unsure about the rules around using banked word-count to make up for the difference. If this is in breach of the rules, please do me a favour and delete the post and I’ll fix it up and resubmit tomorrow as I’m about to sleep and won’t see any notifications for a good while. I think there’s most probably at least one unused critique’s worth in the bank, seeing as the last piece I submitted was shorter than the critiqued works. Ah well.
Thank you to anybody who reads or critiques this. It’s been a fun little ride finally submitting my first contiguous section of writing. Wishing you all good health and productive writing sessions.
Posted Dec 1, 2020, 6:11 PM UTC · edited
Alright - I'm back for another critique after reading the second part of your work. Don't take this to heart, but I have to say, this section was definitely not as strong as the last.
1.) Your specific request
To be completely honest, Arthur's thoughts and feelings are not coming across very clearly. He seems generally conflicted and a bit beat down, but there really isn't a whole lot outlining specifically what he's thinking. If anything he just seems sort of lost and dazed. I think adding just a few lines of dialogue where he opens up a bit to Leon would do wonders for this. It would also make it seem a bit more believable that Leon would want to push so hard to include Arthur in on whatever is about to happen next.
2.) Technical Things
This piece requires quite a bit more proofreading than the last. I noticed a lot of punctuation issues and have left edits in the Google Doc. A couple things to highlight:
You use the word "mate" a lot but you don't type it correctly. I've noticed you also do this a lot with names. For example:
“Did something else happen Leon?"
Really should be: "Did something else happen, Leon?" Same goes for numerous instances where you use the word "mate."
“Art mate, haven’t seen you in a coupla’ days, what’s goin’ on?” Should be: “Art, mate, haven’t seen you in a coupla’ days, what’s goin’ on?”
You did manage to get it right at least once when you say:
I understand, mate,” Leon said. So you do it right there. Just apply the same methodology across your writing.
Another thing is capitalization. Only capitalize proper nouns. For example:
Sounds silly, I know, but my Dad used to have one, way back when.
Should be: Sounds silly, I know, but my dad used to have one, way back when.
Another specific example of punctuation other than what I have in the Google Doc is this:
Arthur survived the forty minutes until midnight break, sleep’s heavy weight replaced by a subdued feeling of discomfort set deep into the pit of his gut.
I really think this needs to be broken out into two sentences. Try: Arthur survived the forty minutes until midnight break. Sleep's heavy weight was replaced by a subdued feeling of discomfort set deep into the pit of his gut.
3.) Setting/Imagery
This is still a strong suit of yours. That said, as with the other items so far, it's not quite as strong here as it is in your last submission. A couple specific things I'd point out:
There's some repetitiveness here in your use of descriptions. You mention multiple times that the air is moist and that it rained recently. This doesn't need to be mentioned more than once. The same goes for the grass. You mention multiple times that it's overgrown and tall - just the once will suffice.
There's also some missed opportunities where you're being overly-vague. A really good example is this part:
As he spoke, he made violent gestures with the cigarette wielding hand, which cast bright trails of sparks in its wake.
This is rather ambiguous. I have a tough time visualizing what he's doing. What exactly does a "violent gesture" look like? Is he stabbing at the air with his cigarette? Is he holding it between his knuckles and pounding the bottom of his fist against something? I really don't know so the obscurity of the description effectively renders it pointless. I found myself getting distracted and pulled out of the story simply because my mind was trying to conjure up an image of what this might look like.
4.) Characters
A little less engaging in this piece than the last. Arthur is effectively moping around and disassociating, which is understandable given his circumstances, but given that he's the primary character here it leaves your reader feeling disassociated as well - not good. There either needs to be more emphasis on Arthur's worries and negative emotions in order to draw out the reader's sympathy/anger at his circumstances or Leon needs to play a stronger role in order to serve as a sort of anchor that roots us into the story while Arthur is busy spacing off.
Speaking of Leon, it's not entirely clear why he wants to include Arthur so badly or why he's pushing him so hard. It almost feels forced, especially because we know that whatever happens at this meeting is going to drive the plot. I don't think it would be hard to make this seem a bit more natural. Have them establish a bit of a repertoire on something - maybe Arthur makes an offhand comment about something he disagrees with that Leon gets worked up about, convincing himself that it means Arthur is on his side whether Arthur explicitly acknowledges it or not.
5.) Dialogue
Still a strong suit, but a bit overdone at times. You use the word "mate" a lot, which is totally fine except I feel like its several times a page. I know this is how some people actually speak but on paper it's just...too much. Especially if this is going to be a regular thing throughout the entire story. Trim it down a bit.
6.) Plot
There is none. This is probably purely due to the fact that this is a small piece of a grander whole, but just like your last submission, nothing is really happening here. It's a bit tedious. I mean, this is effectively 2,000+ words that culminate to nothing more than the reader listening in on a couple of guys griping over a smoke break. I get that it's building up to something - I'm not one of those readers who thinks you need to actively move the plot ahead every paragraph and I'm fine with the slow burn, but the key to the slow burn is that when there is no action or plot advancement, there is still emotional development or tension. Again, the build-up to whatever happens next would be much better if you just spent a little more time parsing out what Arthur is thinking and feeling, because then we would at least be more invested in what this is building up to.
7.) Random bits
I don't know if this is an Aussie thing. If it is, ignore this, but the word "kerfuffle" just sounds ridiculous. I've never heard it used in my life and it seems totally out of place. Consider axing it.
Like I mentioned in my first critique - one of the things you nailed in your last submission is the tone of voice. It was undeniably blue collar, working class, and rough around the edges. This piece feels like its almost lost the tone of the last even though I believe they're two parts of the same chapter. I would heighten that up a bit and cut out a few things. For example, you use the words "amongst" and "thrice" which are both rather archaic and formal - they really don't fit the style here. More simple words will do the trick.
Ending Notes
All in all, this isn't quite what I was expecting after your last submission. There's nothing wrong with it in the whole but each individual piece is missing a little something that culminates into something less than what this has the potential to be. Run through it again for a thorough proofreading session, build up the relationship between Arthur and Leon a bit more before jumping onto the next plot point, put a magnifying glass on Arthur's emotions, and bring a bit more consistency in tone between this piece and the last piece and I think this will be workable. Keep up the good work!