[1414] Funeral

Hook

This is a very interesting start to a story. I really like the first paragraph, and it makes me curious why he fakes his death and what will happen next. Actually, the story kept me interested the whole way because Nicola kept hinting at a dark past, and I wanted to see what that past was. But you never disclose what that dark past is, which is a bit disappointing. Still, you start off strong.

Characters

The only character we really get to know is Nicola, and while I do think he could have a stronger presence, he kept my attention. He doesn't have much of a motivation, though. He seems perfectly fine with both faking his death and the fact that his daughters aren't really mourning him, but why? I guess he wants to escape fame but once again: why? Why is he doing all of this? And what is he even famous for? He talks a lot about being a celebrity but never mentions how he got his fame. I just wish I knew a bit more about the reasons behind his actions.

Plot

There isn't much of a plot. It's a man talking about how he faked his death and what he does afterwards, but there's no antagonist. No obstacles for him to overcome or internal conflict for him to get over. That being said, I was interested from the beginning to the end, so the lack of a "real" plot might not be that big of a hinderance. Still, I can see some readers being put off by the lack of plot. I think if you give Nicola a motivation, you will find it easier to create a plot since you can craft obstacles that keep him from meeting his goal. Also, if Nicola has a stronger motivation, the story can be more character-driven and still keep readers engaged with minimal plot.

Mechanics

You use a lot of "was" and "were" in this story. Just about any other verb will provide a more interesting and vivid description that was and were. I have this problem when I write, too. Was and were are easy to use, and in your first draft I wouldn't worry too much about overusing them. But you should go back and use the search tool to find instances of was and were and see if you can remove them, or replace them with a more vivid verb.

Similarly, you use "have" and "had" quite a lot. Sometimes the word is necessary, such as in this sentence: "No doubt my ex-wife had something to do with that." But other times you can replace it with a more interesting verb, such as here: "The newspapers all had the same headlines." You could write "The newspapers all printed the same headlines." And in other places, you can remove the word "had" altogether, for example here: "all they could talk about was the movie he had made with that Swedish star 45 years earlier." Once again I suggest you use the search tool to find have and had and see if you can replace or remove them.

You need to work on tense. Specifically, with the word "would." Would is future tense. It means either: something will happen in the future, or you are speculating about something that might happen. Let me show you these two sentences from your story:

>"Paying off the maid who made the discovery, the Mykonos medical examiner, and the poor ferry captain would be too easy.  Each received €2,500 for a quick statement to the press..."

You cay paying off these people would be easy, meaning the main character hasn't actually done it yet but he plans to do it. Then, in the next sentence, you say they already received some money. So has he payed these people yet or not? Why is Nicola saying he would give them the money in the future, if they've already been payed? Example 2:

>"The ferry would run into trouble near Crete (what was it doing so far south?), where it was intercepted by a humanitarian vessel carrying refugees (that’s still illegal in Greece, isn’t it?), and the rough water would make them lose all of the cargo, including my casket, to the sea (the mystery may never be solved!)"

The ferry would run into trouble. This is something that will happen in the future but has not occurred yet. But then we find out it was intercepted. "Was" means something already happened in the past. How can the ferry have already been intercepted if it hasn't gotten into trouble in Crete yet? Then you switch back to would and say the ship would lose all its cargo. There's a third example of something like this that I left a comment on in your doc. Be careful with your tenses. And by the way, the use of "was" in "(what was it doing so far south?)" is correct, because it's implied this quote will be said after the ferry runs into trouble, so the person saying it will use "was" to refer to the past event of the ferry getting into trouble.

Conclusion

As you can probably tell, you mainly need to work on the mechanics of your writing, and adding some more motivation for Nicola. I do like the concept of this story (it's not something I've read about before) and I think Nicola is an interesting main character. You've got a good start here, it just needs bit more editing before it's truly great.

First criticism is to try to add questions to your post on what specific areas you want us to look at and what things you are interested in getting an opinion on. While we will still give our regular feedback we will also answer the questions and give you something extra to work with.
The things you have done well are the fact you have gotten me interested in reading right away with the first sentence, but that's also the weakness of your first paragraph as I’ll explain later. Second thing is you have done well writing in the characters perspective and using the words the character would use. This gave me a great picture of what the character is really like.

First criticism is that you use some weird language in some areas that makes me reread it like five times making the flow grind to a halt. I would go over those areas but they are already highlighted in your doc.
Your first line gets me interested in reading your work but the rest of the paragraph reads like a car repair manual. The reason that this happens is you are telling and not showing. You tell me its at a church he hasn’t been to since childhood but it would create a much richer image if you showed me the church. Describe to me the church from the perspective of the character. Additionally instead of saying he hasn’t been there since childhood give that character a memory to recall and contrast with reality to show that he hasn’t been there in a while. example: ‘Faded walls contrasted the brilliant white paint that used to coat them. Wood carved benched a much paler brown then I remembered them; hiding from my parents in those rows as a child.’
Also the same could be said about the next line about the daughters. Show me how he sees them there, how they look, if they are crying or not. And here the character can remark that ‘of course they would choose this place’. This indirectly says the same thing but it shows it and makes the character more grounded in the story. “ my relationship with them was similar to with the church” is an excellent line. While you could leave the next line as is, I think you can enrich the text be having the character recall another memory of how the daughters were absent in his life, give them a bit of character so believe that they are opportunists. The line about the media at the very end is kinda weird and out of place, I would omit it entirely.

The second and third paragraphs surfer from the same problem of telling not showing which causes the entire story to read in an unstory like manner. The part where he talks about in what good health he is is really good. The ending of the second paragraph where he says the ‘flair’ the publicist added isn’t really flair, that's just what the morgue report would have. Make the flair actual flair. ‘Heart attack while jet skying on the...’. Third paragraph again, show me the crowd, give me some detail. The graffiti is good but you can say more about it. Also I don’t quite believe that the cops would also be crying. I think it would be more believable if you showed how they had to control the hysteria unfolding in the city. Also if the character is narcissistic enough to compare their life to a movie I think they will be narcissistic enough to be dying to know what everyone thinks about him now. Not only should you make the line “I took a peak..” should be more urgent, but also you can add other places where he looks to see what people think of him now. Like the tele or radio broadcasts. “Dying is not easy...” this line could be made more interesting if you specify what are the hard parts of faking your own death.
Fourth p[paragraph first line is a bit confusing cause it contradicts the first paragraph, so was he at his funeral or not? His disguise could be described in a more interesting way with a bit more detail but overall its good. “...or read in the papers” You don’t really need to list every form of media reporting on his death, just the tele or the newspaper is enough. The big thing with the rest of the paragraph is the voice does resonate the character but it just feels so passive. Try to use active words. Like instead of saying “it was a good photo” say instead ‘the photo showed me in my prime’. The word ‘was’ is very passive and boring to read. If you see yourself using it alot you know you are using a passive voice. Use active verbs and adjectives.

“though they ...before that time” I would instead put something like ‘but in reality I knew the body would never arrive’. This shows the character in a more active instead of observing role. Also you over use brackets, try it integrate it into the character voice instead. The next paragraph about paying people off is actually pretty good but I feel like you can expand on it by adding some more detail. Next paragraph could use a bit more show rather than tell, but other than that its alright. I think however that you can expand on the line “the media are gods” and give a bit more insight on what he really thinks of them and what his relationship was with them through out his life and after life now. “ I told them that I was dead, and now I am dead.” seems like you are repeating what was said in a previous line, consider deleting. The line about the anecdote about the fan was really good.

The rest of it is really the same as above. Use more show don’t tell and make the voice more active. Additionally the story doesn’t feel like a story. Perhaps an epilogue to a story? But it does kinda seem a lot like some rich guys journal. Also the characterization wasn’t very consistent. Is this guy a self indulgent asshole? A sympathetic character? Giving him a more concrete basis should fix that.

I'll start off by saying that I found the story to be very engaging. A lot of that has to do with the premise, but also the style in which you write. However, that style is also a double edged sword. But I'll elaborate on that in a bit. First, let me briefly mention the two story points that stood out the most as perhaps not belonging.

First, your hook is very good, but perhaps not entirely truthful. "I attended my own funeral today" is a short but gripping opening to a story. However, it is revealed later on that Nicola doesn't actually go to the funeral but rather watches from his apartment on TV. "I watched my own funeral today" would be a simple fix. As an alternative idea, since most of the story is his commentary on how the media reacts to his death and paints his life post-mortem, it might be more appropriate to modify the hook to filter his involvement in his funeral through some form of media. Maybe something along the lines of "I looked better in death, than I ever did alive; at least, if the media had anything to say about it." It's just an idea; I do think your hook's theme is better (short, more impactful).

The google doc already has a lot of grammatical corrections so I won't spend too much time on that. Your prose suffers a little because of small grammar mistakes, but I don't think I'll be adding any value by just repeating what others have already suggested in that department.

As the story progresses, you reveal that Nicola is indeed alive and feeling well. However, you then have the character mention that it's amazing what [fame] can buy - as a way of showing how great he's doing. But then you go on to allude to a dark past and how his life had gone downhill after his fame in his youth. You mention family members that seem to not care for him genuinely. All of that seems to be a result of this life spent in front of the camera, and the pressures of the industry. On the one hand, fame seems to be the cause for this man wanting to fake his own death, but on the other here you're showing that his fame also has given him the opportunity to be fit and happy. That is an interesting message to convey, but doing so with just that one sentence of "It really is incredible what celebrity will buy you" is a not enough. Indeed that sentence just feels like it undermines your overall message, and it can be removed in my opinion.

The little sentences you have, such as " I have been in an apartment in downtown Rome, waiting to experience the first couple of days of my afterlife according to the media" do lend your character a nice sense of humor. Sprinkled throughout your story, it does do a good job of painting Nicola as someone watching these proceedings with detached amusement, and I think it's something you did quite well. The writing style also helps that. The fact that Nicola seems to take everything happening in stride, and even pauses to consider the hilarious consequences of him sneaking into his own funeral in disguise and getting caught by the police all serve to cement that detached style. He's not getting super serious or emotional about things. But while that has served you well, I think you've done it too much and that can make your character suffer. Here's why:

You're writing in first person. So, we have a chance to get very intimate with the character and his thoughts and feelings. This can help when you want the reader to immerse themselves in the character's perspective on a lot of things. For example, in your story, we get Nicola's view on media and reality and the detached style you write in (where Nicola is not being very emotionally attached to anything he's thinking about) can cement the theme that these fabrications of reality are very matter-of-fact. The average reader might think that lying about reality is a shocking phenomenon, but from the film-star's perspective, this has always been the case. And so that's an impactful way to show that. But, it can get a little one-note if we never get any emotion out of Nicola, especially since he's the only character we have. I don't think you should be so detached. Occasionally, we see Nicola's emotions slip out: for example when he calls that mourner an idiot in Italian. That was good. But we need more. When Nicola is summarizing his ex-wife as trying to make everything about her, or thinking about how his daughters simply only care about the money they're going to be inheriting, it's a good place to show some emotion from him. How does he feel about that? If he's faking his death to escape all of this, surely he should have strong feelings about these people? Maybe a curse for them? Or even perhaps a few words showing him forgiving or moving on? Anything from him would help make him feel more real of a character. Having the completely detached Nicola the entire time makes it feel like he's just a glorified narrator. That's my main stylistic critique.

Hope that helps!

GENERAL REMARKS
I could feel a sense of empathy towards the story which I really compliment you for. The voice given to your protag seemed to align with the tone of the story really well which made the read even smoother. But, there seemed to be a lack of narrative in the story. It seemed as if you have the story in arms reach but didn’t actually grab it when necessary.

MECHANICS
The first sentence did its job, it had my attention by its neck. I really enjoyed the intrigue that the paragraph built within me while reading it.

The writing, in particular, seemed to jump between "formal" and "informal" tone frequently which made it seem unintentional and thus discomforting to read. Also, the language seemed to have a flow you'd hear people talk in and not something you'd enjoy reading. eg: excessive use of "the" before every noun and also that of "with" and "would".

But as the story continued I sensed a lack of character in the writing which I would say was because of the slow pacing of the story. I could read the story move forward but the words didn’t justify the movement in the narrative which made the words written not give their best to the story.

Also, there were parts where the story would linger around a particular point even though it had been told clean and clear previously. One such example would be about media houses and their narrative. There was a use of two different sections of the story to make the same point. Better use of this would be to highlight different aspects of the media houses or use the two sections to highlight two different moments.

SETTING
I really enjoyed the subtle backstory and cause behind every setting in the story. And if done or purpose, the ambiguity in the exact location of Protag gave a layer of intertextuality to the story as well. On the other hand, there was not enough to fill my imagination of the settings each character sat on.

CHARACTER

I could sense a backstory behind every word the protag spoke and that made him feel real throughout the story. But at the same time as I mentioned, it seemed like you dipped your toes in a dozen topics but didn't jump into any of them. Mentioning just one person's relation with the protag at the funeral (those who were giving speeches with no actual positive effect towards him) would have given a good enough understanding of the rest of the speakers as well.

Also, the Protag felt generic till the end of the story. the very light introduction to his characteristics such as a past with alcohol and detachment to his daughter is something we've read enough. This makes it important to make your character distinguishable in other sections of his persona which could have been done better.

PLOT & STORY

The story within this prose was a very interesting one. as I said before, I was held onto the story for the entire run. But there seemed to be a lack of a plot within it. The questions I had at the start of the story remained unanswered at the end. This might be a conscious decision from your end but it didn't work for me as even after reading about his "funeral" I didn't know enough about the protag.

CLOSING COMMENTS

There was enough to have me gripped to the story and a few points such as a sort-of0generic character helped in making the character feel known very easily. I would easily read a longer version of the same plot to know more about what happened before and after this particular instance.