first time here. I came to the realization my mom is a narcissist this year at the age of 29

I cant believe I didn’t see it sooner but I am trying to go easy on myself about it since she was so covert, gas lighted me my entire life and I never really had any “council” growing up like most people (a friend or group of friends I trusted enough) to talk to about our relationship and tell me “that’s fucked up and here’s why”. I always knew there was something wrong, I always thought of her as a perfectionist with issues but looking back at all the times I left a conversation with her feeling drained, disappointed or exhausted, not knowing why, makes sense now.

It feels like everything has become clearer but also sucks because im continually realizing how she’s hurt me throughout the years. I feel so betrayed and used because she was the only person I trusted in my life and now im realizing it’s because she wants me to be reliant on her, she wants me to never leave since I was the oldest daughter and the invisible child (of 4) that was her emotional support person. I spent 4 years of my life being her caregiver when she got sick because I was so deep in her pocket and was parentified from a young age.

The worst part of all this is that ive been trapped living with her in social isolation for many years because im broke, dont own a car, disabled and my ability to connect with/trust people is messed up. I still need her to avoid homelessness or death because that’s how id end up if I was on my own. Ive tried everything and the only way I see an out is if I married someone (same as she did because she was homeless and autistic on her own) who could support me but I dont want to marry, or fight for crumbs from ssi or ssdi for years with no guarantee i’ll get it. It sucks because part of the reason im so unable to be independent and have keep jobs I hate is because of her and I have to pretend everything is fine. thank gods I finally got a therapist for the first time this year since I was a kid, they’re the only council I can really open up to and tell me “thats fucked up and heres why”.

sharing this is nerve racking even anonymously.