Will I ever not be surprised by what I can survive?

I'm always thinking whatever is happening is the worst, the end, the rock bottom of my abyss, that I won't be able to maintain my sanity anymore but then here I am again. I've had so many crisis where I was so closed to end It all and haven't... You may think "wow you're so strong and have survived a lot... Many suicide attempts, long term panic attacks, and taking so many pills just to not loser all of It", but actually I'm so tired... I've faced the worst in my mind, I've seen my hell, my abyss and I'm honestly tired. And when I think I can't take it anymore... There I am, facing it all again. I've got to a point that I'm not even scared anymore, I just know that I have to keep going, keep moving, I don't know where, but I have to keep going. But honestly, I feel so empty... I feel so angry... I keep bottling everything up until I can't take anymore and then have the worst crisis ever, then get back again. It's always this... I think things keep pilling up, until I lose my shit. But then I've survived It all. I'm here. And I should feel happy or proud, but after ten years fighting depression and anxiety I just feel tired. I'm tired of fighting, every single day is a battle and I'm so tired. I wish life was simpler and normal, I wish I could wake up one day and feel hope, and smile like it's a brand new day to live and not another 24 hours battle to keep my sanity.