I love him, I really do (NAW)

I'll probably be writing this for a few days just to be able to get things off my chest.

My boyfriend (ex now) broke up with me after I confessed to cheating on him. Probably not the best intro but we don't live together or in the same country for that matter. (nonetheless cheating is bad people) This doesn't justify my actions and I own up them wholeheartedly.

A few months went by and before all this we would talk almost everyday. We always call each other - converse about anything. His day, my day, you get the idea. It was painful and I guess this was the moment I realized just how much I wanted to be with him. It's hard seeing myself without him and I think of him constantly.

I... I'm able to separate love, sex and friendship quite easily. I can keep a secret etc. However, I live in the UK and him in the US. I love him exclusively but I've been seeing other guys every now and again because I like a hook-up every once and awhile.

I'm also practicing safe sex and I'll be honest with him every time because I love him. As I was before.

I guess I'm just looking someone to accept me for who I am. My promise is to keep it exclusive once we're together. (physically, living together the whole 9 yards)

I think maybe I'm an asshole...I told him he can see other people (I tell him this a lot) but he didn't want anyone else. I accept that life isn't fairy tales and love is messy sometimes.

I'm willing to put my life on the line for him, I'm scared and I'm still learning. We've been talking for 3 years now. I wanna marry him. I fear for our relationship. I'm scared I'm going to lose him. I guess I'm subconsciously looking for a temporary fix in case my heart gets broken again.